


Moon Bound

by clownsteeth



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Marauders, Modern, Post Hogwarts AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 06:06:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 67,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13183938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clownsteeth/pseuds/clownsteeth
Summary: After falling in love with Sirius Black once, Remus doesn't think he can do it again.





	1. Prologue - An explanation

Almost an entire year of living in a too-small house and the five of them had grown increasingly tired of it. Constantly arguing over spending too much time in the bathroom, someone stinking it up or making the mirrors foggy after a shower- but that was just the beginning. The constant complaining of who got to sit at the small table containing four chairs, fighting over who got to or had to cook in their kitchen meant for a single person, and who in their right mind decided to let three boys share a bedroom?

Plus, Lily, being the only girl, was more tired of it than the others. Well, that's not exactly true, because there was someone who had reached his breaking point before her, and honestly, she couldn't blame him. So, when he called a meeting with everyone a few days after one particularly nasty spat between Sirius and Remus, she was relieved to hear his solution. Once it was announced, however, she was suddenly less enthused and more confused- or even annoyed.

She expected something like letting James and Lily move out on their own, or the other three moving out and letting the couple have the tiny house to themselves. Or maybe all moving into a larger house, or even a large flat in Muggle London- but of course, no such luck. Remus Lupin, the most logical of them all, had suggested moving overseas to America. Well, no, not quite that, he didn't want to move there- no, he wanted to go on a road trip across America.

Now, she'd be lying if she said the idea didn't appeal to her because it certainly did, but with all five of them? Definitely not, so she voiced her opinion. Remus went on to explain his reasoning, and after hearing it, Lily was rather pleased. He explained that they were growing tired of each other, and if it went on they wouldn't talk anymore a year down the road and he was not to keen to allow that to happen. He said doing this would give the friends that sense of adventure they all craved, it would give them more memories, and most importantly it would give them the space they needed.

After another long, long moment of silence, Lily finally spoke up. "I'm not usually comfortable doing something so spontaneous, but after dating James for two years you kind of need to be ready for something like this, so I'm in. I think it's a good idea and it would be just what we need, we were all Gryffindors and we crave adventure, don't we? We're brave. What's braver than leaving everything behind and moving to a completely new country?" Once Lily had agreed, James did too.

"Lily is right," Peter agreed finally, looking away from the plate of cookies sat on the counter next to the stove. He, like James, had an inclination to agree and go with whatever Lily said. He reminded her of James in his first year, pining after her like a sad puppy. The only difference, he didn't pine, he just followed. She knew he didn't like her romantically, he just considered her a good friend, and she was thankful.

"I suppose I can't be the only one of us left behind," Sirius sighed, leaning back against the counter, smirking. "I'm in."


	2. America, we're there

A month was all it took to get everything ready and planned out. They had converted most of their money into American dollars, and Lily managed to buy a car before they even left Europe so they didn't have to worry about that when they got there. Though Lily, James, and Sirius were the only ones with a license. Lily got hers because her parents had been muggles, so it was easy to do. James and Sirius had gotten theirs with her, seeing as how they were both eager to do so, while Peter and Remus weren't as eager.

They had planned to fly across the Atlantic and land in New York. They wanted to start with one of the uppermost states and make their way to California, coast to coast, before deciding what they wanted to do from there. Lily had informed them that really a road trip across America didn't take very long, if they really wanted to it may only take a week to get coast to coast. Of course, they didn't like the idea of only having it take a week, so they all agreed to drag it out anywhere from one month to six. "The longer the better," Sirius had decided.

They had everything packed and ready to go, all they had left to do is apparate to the airport and fly, then pick up their car and find a hotel for the night, discussing what they were going to do after. Remus was conflicted on many levels because he had just suggested one of his biggest fears. Travelling to a new place with little to no knowledge on it, and  _flying_ , in a  _plane_ , that didn't sound too fun either. He also wasn't too excited to sit next to James on the flight because he knew James would interrogate him on why he was doing this and if it had anything to do with his old relationship with Sirius.

And of course, the answer was no. He was doing this because he didn't want to jeopardize their friendship and living in such a small space was doing just that. Besides, maybe he did just need a break from London and metaphorically leave everything behind because Merlin knows he needed to; he needed to leave his broken past behind, even is he was taking a pretty big piece of it with him. At the mere thought of him, Remus couldn't help but glance at him, at that goddamn playful smile twitching on his lips.

Remus couldn't help but realize how he fell in love with that godforsaken man, but once was enough. Falling out of love was even harder, more painful, and he couldn't bear to put himself through that again. He sighed and gripped James' arm, feeling the tug as they apparated away from their now-old house, arriving in the back of the airport where the couple wizard employees assured them they could go. Remus gently gripped the back of James' jacket as he walked through the airport since Remus was always the one to get lost or overwhelmed with the crushing amount of people.

Once on the plane, his heart was pounding in his chest; he got the window seat, something he was not happy about. He didn't like heights and this was a height. He was just glad James sat next to him rather than Peter, and especially Sirius. He'd be wanting to hurl himself out of the window if Sirius had been the one next to him. He felt safe with James next to him; he was always the baby of the group, oddly enough, and James had been the one to initially take Remus under his wing. Sirius had just been a bonus, one he now wished he would've ignored.

"Remus?" James whispered. They were in the air now, the initial fear of the take-off had passed and left him slightly queasy, wanting nothing more than to once again be safe on the ground. James huffed and grabbed Remus' hand, almost roughly, to properly get his attention. He looked over at James curiously, making the older boy sigh and loosen his grip on his hand. "I just... are you going to be okay?"

"What do you mean?" Remus wondered, internally cringing because he  _knew_ James was referring to Sirius, he just didn't want to deal with it, he didn't want to talk about Sirius yet.

"With..."

"Sirius," Remus confirmed for him, nodding slightly. James smiled sheepishly and nodded.

"What about Sirius?" Lily wondered, looking past James over at Remus. The younger boy shrunk back into the plane seat, abandoning all hope. Maybe if it had just been James he would've opened up about it a little, but he didn't exactly want Lily to know about it. "What is it?"

"It's nothing," James assured her. It wasn't very convincing, but it seemed to do the job. She eyed him skeptically, but sat back in her seat and rested her head against James' shoulder, leaving Remus to only sink closer to the window, suddenly wondering if the window could open and he could just be sucked away. He closed his eyes for a moment. Maybe sleeping through the whole plane ride could make it more bearable.

//

_Fourth year. A scared now-fifteen-year-old Remus, realizing he was in love with Sirius Black was not the way the boy wanted to spend his birthday, which was already pretty shit because it fell on a full moon and he was abandoned in the Shrieking Shack. In the minutes before he turned into the wolf and attempted to rip off his own skin, he couldn't get Sirius out of his mind. His stupid grin and perfect teeth and his goddamn hair._

_He sat naked on the floor, his skin pale and clammy, his cheeks tear-stained because he didn't want to do this tonight. He never wanted to do this, but tonight the fear was especially bad. He was shaking, his back against the wall, sobs echoing throughout the otherwise quiet Shack. It wasn't long before he started to feel the effects of the full moon sweeping over him. He felt the bone-breaking feeling and the immense fear and the bloodlust that came every night. A few more moments of consciousness and he was gone._

_Like every morning after a full moon, he was in the hospital wing. It smelled of clean, stale sheets and bitter potions. He attempted to sit up, but Madam Pomfrey came in before he could, gently pushing him back onto the bed and shoving a potion in his hands, urging him to take it. He obliged, grimacing at the taste. She came back with a sigh and a second potion, looking down at Remus sadly. "Last night wasn't as bad as previous nights, I can release you now if you promise to come back if any pain gets worse, okay?"_

_"Okay!" He said, nodding eagerly. She pulled a small package out of the pocket of her robes and handed it to him. It was wrapped in plain red wrapping paper with a shiny gold bow on top. She smiled when he opened it, revealing a small pendant on a mock silver chain._

_"I know I shouldn't be getting you a gift," She admitted, "But it was your birthday last night and I can't imagine what it's like to have a day like that, feeling ill the whole time. It's a pendant that shows the phase of the moon. I hope it's not too obvious, but I just thought..." He cut her off and hugged her tightly. Ever since his mother had died he'd had nothing but his dad who had done the best he could, but to him, Madam Pomfrey was something of a second mother and he was pretty sure she knew that._

_"Thank you so much!" He exclaimed, slipping the chain around his neck. She smiled once more before getting up and handing him his robes that he'd left with her the night before just as he always did. She walked off and allowed him the privacy to change. He was eager to get out of here, he always was, despite how much he admittedly enjoyed Pomfrey's company, he wanted out._

_He rushed into the Great Hall, only to crash into Sirius upon his entrance. He was immediately struck with warm grey eyes and kissable lips, he shrunk back, his cheeks turning a bright pink. "What happened to your eye?" Remus instinctively reached up to touch it. He rarely got bruises, it was usually just new scars in the form of cuts and scratches._

_"I- well, I'm not sure," Remus admitted, frowning slightly. It scared him that it wasn't even a lie, he was so used to thinking them up the day after every full moon. His friends and dormmates all assumed he was going to visit a sick family member every month, and he told them they had a vicious cat who hated him. So far, they'd bought it. Sirius frowned as well and reach up to touch the bruise (at least Remus assumed it was a bruise, he felt no scratches) around his eye before dropping his hand._

_"C'mon, I can hide it with a simple spell, just come here where no one can see." Remus nodded and let Sirius lead him away from the crowd where he cast a simple spell, smiling after doing so. Because of the smile, Remus assumed he had done it correctly and the bruise was now hidden with magic._

_"Thank you." Sirius smiled that godforsaken smile of his and Remus melted, happily following Sirius back to the Great Hall where breakfast was being served._

//

Remus woke with a start, which, in turn, startled James awake as well, but Lily simply groaned in her sleep and held onto James' arm even tighter. It didn't take long for James to drink in his surroundings and turned to Remus, who was gripping onto his arm thighs for dear life. James put a hand on Remus's shoulder, snapping him out of his thoughts. "You dreamt of him again, didn't you?" Remus deflated, any ounce of confidence his body held flew away with the words, and he merely nodded.

"What he did was... unforgivable," James said with a nod. "But if we're going to go on this... trip, you need to at least try to befriend him again. I know it's easier said than done, but you can't stay mad at him forever."

"I'm  _not_ ," Remus insisted even though they both knew it was a blatant lie. "Okay, maybe I am, but he's not any better. I've been polite and decent but he always snaps back, I apologized and it's not even my fault!" 

"No, it's certainly not your fault. Just wait it out, he... he'll come around." Remus shrugged passively and looked out the window though all he could see was a mass of clouds. "Listen, Remus, please just be patient. He's... it'll be okay." 

"I can assure you, James, waiting for someone for three years is not good for the soul. Not that I have one, of course, werewolves don't have souls," He hissed quietly. James dropped the subject, but Lily was more confused than ever. Pretending to sleep had its perks, after all. She'd known Remus was a werewolf, she was pretty sure she figured that out before anyone else, even James. Might as well pretend to wake up, she thought to herself.

She let out a small hum and opened her eyes, stretching her arms and blinking tiredly. "What were you guys talking about?" She wondered.

"How we're almost there, just ten more minutes until we land." Remus looked pale at the words. 

"It'll be okay, Remus," Lily assured him. "Taking off and the actual flight are the most unsafe aspects of flying, landing is probably the safest." Of course, she didn't know that, she was just lying to make the poor boy feel better. He seemed to relax at the words, so she slumped back into her seat.

"You know, Remus, what are we going to do with the full moon?" He'd thought about this a lot. So much, in fact, he should have an answer for this particular question, but he didn't. He was just hoping on that particular night there was somewhere for him to lock himself up, trapping him in solitude. Well, solitude with the company of a red stag and a fat rat, his two best friends. "It's only a week away, Remus." That was true, only a week. A full week of anxiety and planning.

"I know," Remus said finally. "We can just find a secure abandoned building somewhere. You and Pete can do your best to make sure I don't completely wreck the place. Or me, for that matter. Who knows what the wolf will do to me in an unfamiliar place."

"I have a surprise, by the way," Lily piped up, squirming a bit in her chair. "I was going to wait until the full moon to tell you, but I... well, I'm not the best at potions, I know, but I managed to make the potion to become an Animagus. I've been trying since my sixth year at Hogwarts, it's not easy. I always ended up swallowing the mandrake leaf, and once it was a cloudy night so that couldn't work," she explained sheepishly. 

"Is that why you wouldn't kiss me for a month or so at a time?" James asked. Lily just nodded.

"It's illegal to be unregistered, but after seeing the three of them fret over you, I just... I wanted to help," She explained, her cheeks holding a pink tinge.

"Lily, you..." Remus expected the other three idiots to do something like this, but Lily? Certainly not! "For  _me_?" 

"Yes, and I was mildly curious as to what animal I'd take," She told them. "I'm a doe, like my Patronus." James looked pleased to know that his girlfriend was, in every sense, his soulmate. Typical sappy git. "So, you have one extra animal to help keep him in check."

"It'd be even better, easier even if we had a giant dog to help too," James said rather loudly, drawing the attention of other passengers and shooting a pointed look at Sirius who was chatting away with Peter.

"Shut up!" Lily hissed, elbowing her boyfriend in the ribs. "You don't want to draw the attention of mug... other people." James crossed his arms and continued to glare across the aisle at his best friend. 

"It's fine, James," Remus assured him, though it didn't sound too convincing. Lily glanced between the two boys and narrowed her eyes. She knew something had happened to them and hurt their friendship, but she didn't know what. She'd already interrogated James about it and he wouldn't budge, and Peter didn't even know what was going on. She knew she had to talk to one of the boys directly, but she didn't want to be too nosy.

Oh hell, of course, she did! She wanted to help them!

But, she dropped it, giving Remus one last look in hopes he knew that meant this was not over.

//

After they landed, hauled all their stuff to the hotel room, and went to their respective rooms, Remus was finally alone. Well, away from the three guys. He was alone with Lily and quite frankly that was worse because he knew she wanted to talk to him about what had happened on the plane. They had, originally, planned to have James and Lily share a room, and then the other three. But Sirius, being the prat he is, had privately pulled James aside and sternly told him there was no way in hell he was going to voluntarily share a room with Remus. So, James, being the arsehole he was, said Remus could share the room with Lily instead.

"Before you say anything, Lily, I would rather not talk about it right now," Remus said once he had all of his luggage shoved away in the corner of the room. She didn't say anything at first, just continued brushing her hair before she took a shower. Remus was letting her go first. 

"Alright, I'll respect that." Remus breathed a sigh of relief, glancing around the room and up at a black glass-like this mounted on the wall. So, he asked Lily what it was, since she grew up around muggles and knew more than any of the others combined. "It's called a television, TV for short. It... it's like... well, why don't I show you?" She set down the hairbrush on the counter and picked up a small, black rectangle and pressed a button, turning the television on.

"It's like moving pictures, but there's sound and it's long and it tells a story. Muggles use them to keep up with news and others use them for entertainment," She explained, pressing a button that made the picture change. "Just..." She put on another one, one that looked animated, and set the black box on the nightstand next to the bed. "Watch this while I shower and it'll give you a good idea about Muggle culture."

So he did. It was some show about a fish whose son gets kidnapped and they had to search the whole ocean for him. Admittedly, he could see why Muggles enjoyed these things so much. But once Lily was out of the shower, he took one. It was very brief because the water was now a bit colder and he couldn't stand cold showers, and he changed into sweatpants and an old ratty t-shirt. He usually slept in nothing more but boxers, but he and Lily were sharing a bed and that wouldn't be right to do.

They had booked the hotel before this new arrangement, so Lily and James were supposed to share this bed, and Remus and Sirius were going to get the twin beds in the other room while Peter slept on the couch. But Remus had no doubt that James had forced Sirius to share a bed with him so Pete could have one too, and the thought made Remus grin slightly. That  _was_ a James thing to do.

Lily was already in bed, propped up and reading a book. When he climbed in next to her, he stayed as close to the edge as he could without falling off. "I don't bite, Remus, you don't have to be so scared. Scoot a bit closer. James chose you over Sirius to share a bed with me, he trusts both of us. Calm down." Remus reluctantly scooted a bit closer, but barely enough so that none of his limbs were hanging off the side of the bed.

"When did you figure out I was a werewolf?" Before they moved in together Lily and Remus rarely spoke; maybe once a month they shared a brief conversation. Even after they moved in, Remus had kept mostly to himself, usually only talking to James or Peter. This was not a conversation they ever would've had if it hadn't been for the fact they were sharing a bed.

"End of our third year. I'm surprised it took the other three as long as it did. Your lies weren't bad, but I can put two and two together better than any of them." Remus grinned slightly. In this light, Remus could tell why James was infatuated with her. Of course, he would've been barking up the wrong tree if he had tried to woo her. He played for the other team, and he was pretty sure Lily knew that.

But in this lighting, he could see every freckle that adorned her rosy cheeks, the tip of her nose a shade darker when she blushed, long eyelashes that kissed her cheeks with every blink and striking green eyes, the perfect match for James. "I can feel you staring." Remus scooted back so far he rolled off the bed, falling to the floor with a loud yelp and a thud. Lily let out a something between a gasp and a laugh and leaned to the other side of the bed, where Remus was now sitting up, rubbing his elbow. "I'm sorry! I was just teasing," She apologized, doing her best to help Remus back onto the bed, but it didn't do much good.

"You're pretty," Remus deadpanned, shrugging. "I was just admiring you. Not in a creepy way! James would kill me, I'm not attracted to you, but I can appreciate beauty anyway."

"You're gay, aren't you?" Lily asked, clearly confused. Remus breathed a loud sigh of relief and nodded.  _That's what it was!_  Lily shouted at herself internally, glancing over at Remus who was now cuddling into the covers, a lot less tense as before. That's what went on between Remus and Sirius, surely, something a bit more than friendship.

//

_"Remus, come on! We're going to be late!" Sirius exclaimed, shoving more of Remus's clothes into a trunk. The younger boy sighed and decided that would have to do, they were going to be late if they didn't leave now. They were going home today, end of their fourth year and Remus wasn't looking forward to it. A whole two months without Sirius, a whole month with Sirius in an unsafe environment with his parents and there was nothing he could do about it._

_"Alright, alright, I'm coming!" Remus droned, hauling his trunk out of the tower and to Hogsmeade, where the train was waiting for them._

_"Peter and James are already on the train, I'm sure they're at the compartment at the back of the train." Remus mentally agreed. They always sat back there, it was undisturbed. Sirius grabbed Remus's wrist and practically dragged him there._

_"You're oddly happy about summer holidays." Remus glanced over at Sirius briefly to make sure it was an okay thing to say, but he nodded, still beaming._

_"The Potters said I could stay with them! My parents are going to France over the holiday with my brother and they didn't want me to come, so I told them I'm sure the Potters wouldn't mind, and sure enough, they didn't!" Remus grinned, patting Sirius on the shoulder._

_"Aw, c'mon, all I get is a pat on the shoulder? A summer without insults and bruises! I at least deserve a high-five, but a hug would suffice as well." Sirius didn't even wait for a response, he stopped in the middle of the hall and scooped Remus up into a hug, surprising the smaller of the two, causing him to blush a bright red. "Sorry. I know you're not a touchy-feely person like I am but I'm just so happy, Rem!"_

_When they entered the compartment on the end, James' leg was bouncing nervously and Peter had already broken out the chocolate frogs and was currently biting off the head of one. "What's got your knickers in a twist?" Sirius teased, poking James' shoulder playfully._

_"Lily," the raven-haired boy whispered, appearing horrorstruck. "She talked to me, and I didn't even have to initiate the conversation!"_

_"Oh? And what was it that she said to you?"_

_"Well... she.. she told me to keep my eyes to myself." Sirius let out a bark of laughter and Remus buried his face in his hands, groaning._

_"Step number one for trying to get a girl to notice you, do not look at her arse!" Remus exclaimed, shaking his head once more. Sirius just grinned and clapped Remus on the shoulder. He didn't say anything, but the look was enough to make his insides melt._

//

Remus woke with a start. Glancing at the clock, he realized it was just past midnight. He rolled onto his stomach and buried his face into the pillow. Dreams suck, he concluded. He rolled over again, only to get a face full of hair. He rolled back the other way and held the blankets close to his chest. Just one night, that was all he was asking, one night without the dreams.


	3. Goodnight, Evans

Much to Remus's relief, the rest of the night was dreamless, for the most part. He dreamt of flying, but that was all. No transforming, no Sirius, no... no flashbacks. Remus groaned through his half-asleep state and draped an arm over his eyes, shielding them from the sun's harsh rays. He felt the bed next to him move, so Lily must be getting up and out of bed- he could hear the rustling of the sheets and the blankets. Did this mean he also had to get up now? Oh Merlin, he hoped not, he couldn't do that right now.

Well, he  _could_ , but he certainly didn't want to.

He didn't move until he heard Lily's voice through the pounding in his own ears. "If you don't get up now you're going to miss breakfast," She told him. He moved the arm from his face and cracked his eyes open, looking at Lily who was pulling her hair back into a ponytail. He shut his eyes again tightly. "Remus, you really don't want to miss breakfast, we're going to leave right after and try to go to a couple tourist attractions before coming back here for the night."

"Where are we gonna go?" He sat up tiredly, once again looking over at Lily who was now tying her shoes. 

"I'm not sure, probably a museum on our, well  _your_ , behalf and a few cafes and shops," She explained, standing up and setting some clothes on the bed. "Here, I grabbed some clothes for you, I hope you don't mind. They were right on top so I didn't dig through your things."

"On my behalf?" He wondered, throwing back the covers and climbing out of the bed. He grabbed his clothes and slipped into the bathroom to change. "And don't worry about going through my clothes, I have nothing to hide in there, unlike the others."

"You're an art lover! Well, I mean, I am too, but not as avidly as you are. And I know, but you still deserve your privacy. So do they." Remus grinned, tugging on his jeans. She respected him, his privacy, that meant a lot. None of the guys had the same respect. Well, James did now that he was older but during his Hogwarts years? Anything in their dorm was shared and nothing was private. He sometimes wondered how Frank put up with having the four of them as roommates.

"Would you do the same for James?" He heard her scoff.

"Of course I would!" Remus didn't reply as he slipped on his shirt. "Alright, maybe not." He opened the bathroom door and sat on the bed, pulling on his socks and shoes.

"I didn't think so. I wouldn't blame you. There, are we ready now?" Remus asked. 

"Yes, but I want to make sure the others are up first," Lily said with a sigh. He couldn't blame her, they were known to sleep in until noon. "They should be up by now anyway because it's already three in London and I'd be surprised if they weren't affected by the jetlag. Merlin knows I am." 

"What about me?"

"It's different for you, I can tell. You don't sleep properly anyway, so I would imagine any sleep that you can get you'll take, regardless of when or what time it happens to be." Remus couldn't argue with that. So, after checking that at least  _he_ had his hotel room key, they went to the room across from theirs, where the other three were staying. Lily knocked on the door and waited for an answer, but she never got one.

"I didn't think they'd be awake."

"God, they're like bears! All they ever do is  _sleep_!" She knocked on the door louder this time, and this time there was a loud thud. Remus imaged one of the two sharing a bed (if they had, in fact, shared a bed like Remus thought) had been shoved out of it. A moment later, a sleepy, disheveled Sirius opened the door. Remus immediately looked away, the sight of Sirius like this would feel him with a sense of nostalgia he'd never be able to feel again. He could feel Sirius's eyes burning holes in him.

"Move!" Lily snapped, shoving past Sirius to get into the hotel room to wake the others. Sirius didn't leave the door, he continued to stare at Remus. Was this just to make him feel uncomfortable? Surely,  _surely_ that was it. Finally, the werewolf grew tired of the silence.

"How'd you sleep?" That was the first thing he could think of? Remus mentally slapped himself. This was the first time he'd properly spoken to Sirius in at least four months, he usually snapped or yelled because he was still mad at this bloody arsehole! Sirius didn't bother to reply, he usually didn't when Remus was trying to be polite. Finally, Sirius moved from the doorway and left Remus standing outside it with a pounding heart. Being around someone you used to love so passionately was exhausting enough, but knowing they now hated you was even worse.

Finally, he entered the hotel room, shutting the door behind him. He was immediately ambushed by James, who had grabbed his arms and hid behind him. "Help!" Remus sighed and looked over at Lily, who had her arms crossed and was tapping her foot. Remus shook his friend's hands off and let out a laugh. Peter emerged from the bathroom fully dressed and wide-eyed.

"Best just do what she says, mate, I don't think you want to get on her bad side." James snorted and walked over to Lily, pulling her into a kiss. But, of course, it was cut short because she pushed him away and pushed a pile of clothes into his chest and pointed to the bathroom.

"Alright, I'm going, I'm going!" She then turned to Sirius, who was changing in the corner of the room. The sight of his bare chest made Remus want to drop dead on the spot. This road trip was a good idea, but it would've been better without Sirius Black somehow bringing back old memories with every move.

//

_"Remus!" It was the beginning of their fifth year, and Remus began it by being knocked down to the ground by someone who must have grown at least four inches and twenty pounds over the summer. He heard James and Peter snicker from nearby, so Remus just lifted an arm and patted Sirius on the back._

_"Merlin, Sirius. You didn't need to knock the boy to the ground!" Remus sat up suddenly at the voice, merely making Sirius cling to him tighter to keep himself from ungracefully falling to the ground. There stood Mrs. Potter, a kind smile on her face. Mrs. Potter was the one to help him gather his school supplies first year when his father had refused, she was the one to help him and give him advice and inform him about the school._

_"Hi, Mrs. Potter!" He said happily. She grinned and returned the greeting. Sirius, still resting comfortably on top of Remus, finally got up._

_"We should get going! Maybe I'll trick my parents into going on another trip next summer so I can stay with you again."_

_"Well, you know you're always welcome, Sirius. Don't hesitate to owl me if you need anything."_

_//_

"The museum was marvelous!" Lily exclaimed. Remus was pretty sure that somehow she had managed to enjoy it more than he had. And he had  _really_ enjoyed it. Most of the art was pretty modern, but there were also some older paintings and other pieces of art. There was one in particular of a moon, but it wasn't portrayed as bright and beautiful, but rather menacing and terrifying. Remus had briefly wondered if the person who painted it went through the same horrors he did everytime the full moon hung in the sky.

"James," Sirius said, tossing an arm around his best friend's shoulders, "Would you please get your girlfriend to stop talking about the damn museum." Lily huffed and smacked the back of Sirius's head, falling back a bit to walk beside Remus, who had stayed quiet throughout the whole walk around the museum.

"Did you enjoy it?" She asked him. He nodded eagerly in response.

"Oh,  _definitely_! The art was so different from what I had expected from a museum here, and the variety was fascinating, too." Lily grinned and stuck her tongue out at Sirius, who was looking behind him, simply watching the two of them talk. 

"See? I wasn't the only one who liked it!" She said, smirking proudly. Remus looked away until he was sure Sirius had turned away again. "You okay, Remus?" Lily placed a hand on his shoulder and looked at him sympathetically.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, pfft- I'm fine, don't worry about it, Lily." He shrugged her hand off and looked down at the ground, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Lily eyed him skeptically but said nothing more, she knew he wasn't. A while of walking later, Peter announced that he wanted Italian food. So of course, they got Italian food.

//

 _His fifth year, Remus had decided, was the worst one yet. Now that he was back at school, he was constantly around Sirius, pining over him like some lost dog, and he was pretty sure his friends were beginning to notice. Or rather,_ James  _was beginning to notice. It was only a month into the new school year when he had been locked in an empty classroom with James, by James, who knew something was off and he was determined to find out what it was. Remus, of course, didn't think it was about the Sirius thing._

_"Was it the pendant?" He blurted out after James had implied he knew his 'secret'. "Madam Pomfrey gave it to me on my last and I didn't really think it would be enough for someone to find out." James furrowed his eyebrows together. What was he going on about? "And the full moons, I suppose it wasn't really that hard to find out. Oh Merlin, please don't hate me!"_

_"What? The.... the full moons..." James trailed off, and it suddenly clicked with Remus. The werewolf thing wasn't what he wanted to talk about- Merlin's beard, he really messed up this time. "You're a werewolf? Like, you turn into a raging beast every full moon?" James spluttered, eyes widening. "You? Sweater-Wearing-Can't-Hurt-A-Fly-Remus?"_

_"Oh my god that's not what you wanted to talk about! Oh, Merlin, I'm so screwed. James, you can't say anything to anyone!" He begged, his wide-eyes now filled with sparkling tears. "Especially not Sirius. Oh please James, I'm so sorry."_

_"I won't Remus, just- hold on this is a lot to take in." Remus nodded in understanding and waited for James to process this new information. "How long?"_

_"I'm sorry," Remus whispered. "If that makes a difference."_

_"There's no need to apologize for something like that, Remus, I'm pretty sure you didn't walk up to a werewolf and ask it to bite you." Remus nodded and assured James that isn't what happened. "How long, Remus? What_ did  _happen?"_

_"Fenrir Greyback wanted to get back at my father for insulting and tormenting the werewolves held by the ministry, and he did so by killing my mother and attacking me in my sleep when I was just four, turning me in a monster. My father wasn't happy about it, he used to ignore me and he couldn't look at me for months after. He still hates me now, but... he does his best." Remus shrugged weakly. James hesitated for a moment but he ended up pulling Remus into a hug._

_"I want you to know right here and right now, I don't care what you're a werewolf.  You're not a bloody monster, You can't help it. You're still the same Remus we all know and we all love, you just have... you have a furry little problem." The named made Remus laugh despite the heavy atmosphere between the two of them. "And I promise this can stay our secret if that's what you want. This... this wasn't what I wanted to talk about, but I'm glad we did. Admittedly, now I'm only curious! I've never met a werewolf before!" Remus laughed again._

_"It's really not that exciting. I just go down to the Shrieking Shack every full moon and wake up clothed again in the infirmary," He explained._

_"That's you in the Shack? What does it feel like?"_

_"That's me. It feels like someone dropped me into a pool of flesh-eating fish." James flinched at the description._

_"What do you look like?" Remus didn't have an answer for that one because he didn't know what he looked like. "I know what you look like now but even as a human Greyback looks wolf-like and you don't."_

_"I'm not sure. As a wolf, I don't exactly have time to check myself out in a mirror. I don't remember anything that happens in wolf form," He admitted. James nodded slowly and began processing ideas through his head. "I usually scratch and cut myself in wolf form, too, leaving me horribly scarred. That's why I don't shower in front of the other boys."_

_"Oh Remus, I'm so sorry." Remus shrugged. He didn't want his friends to know about his lycanthropy, but now it was too late. He was just thankful it was James who knew rather than Peter who wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut, or Sirius, who had been raised to hate werewolves. "I'll figure out a way to help."_

_"Uh huh, good luck with that. Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"_

_"Oh, that... it doesn't matter now, we can put it off for a later time."_

_"No, it's okay. We're here, why not now?" James glanced at the door. He didn't know why. He just didn't want Remus to have something else to weigh on his shoulders, he already looked weak from it._

_"We're going to be late for class," James tried. Remus just rolled his eyes._

_"And when has that stopped you before?"_

_"I know you like Sirius," James told him, hopping up on the teacher's desk behind him. "And if I'm wrong, I apologize greatly. But the way you look at him, I just... there's something about you two. Or you, I guess. You look at him like he's the only thing that matters, like... like he's perfection tied up in a neat little package."_

_"You're not wrong," Remus assured him. "Do I really look at him like that? Do you think he noticed?"_

_"I just really wanted to tell you I'm almost positive Sirius feels the same way. Over summer all I heard was 'Remus this' or 'Remus that'. I love you, don't get me wrong, but I would've loved to talk about something other than you all summer." Remus felt his cheeks grow warm. "And yes, you do. I think he's noticed, but I'm not entirely sure."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes, really. Now you've got to do something about it, tell him you feel the same way or... just something, I can't stand watching two of my best friends pine after each other when they both feel the same way."_

_//_

"Aren't full moons just beautiful?" Lily sighed, looking out the hotel window up at the sky, where the almost-full moon hung in the sky. Remus snorted but said nothing, he just continued sketching out the drawing he was working on. "Oh! Remus, I'm-" He waved a hand to cut her off, laughing lightly.

"It's fine. If it weren't for my... condition, I'm pretty sure I'd love them too, don't worry about it. It's okay." Lily looked skeptical but nodded nonetheless. "Really, Lily, it's fine."

"I just... I know the other three so well, but I feel like we're strangers despite having lived together," she explained.

"I'm just a private person, I've known the other three for a long time. I have you, too, but it's not the same." Lily sat on her side of the bed, letting out a quiet sigh, nodding in agreement.

"I know exactly what you mean. I hope after sharing a bed we'll start talking more." Remus grinned.

"Me too. I think we will. Now, you've been looking at me all day like there's something you want to ask but you haven't."

"I haven't asked because I don't know if it's a good idea," She said nervously.

"Fire away. You can ask me anything you want, but that doesn't mean I'll answer it." She still hesitated, but after a little bit more encouragement, she finally asked the long-awaited question.

"What's going on between you and Sirius? Or rather, what happened between you." Remus shrugged mindlessly and smoothed out a line on his drawing.

"We just... fell and in love and then we fell apart."

"I can tell there's more to it than that," She snapped. It didn't come out harsh, though, her voice was still as soft as ever.

"There always is more to something though, isn't there?" He said with a nervous chuckle. She nodded. "I promise I'll tell you, but not tonight."

"Can you at least tell me how you got together?"

"I suppose I can do that. It was just before Christmas break of our fourth year..."

//

_"Come on, Sirius! You've got to stay here for Christmas, the rest of us are and it wouldn't feel right not to have you here with us!" Remus was pretty sure the only reason James was so dead-set on having Sirius here this Christmas was so he could somehow get the two of them stuck under a mistletoe. With that thought in mind, Remus shot James a curious glance, but he just winked at him._

_"Plus, we can finish our Animagi transformations, the full moon is just a few days away," Peter added hopefully. The reminder of the full moon made Remus's skin crawl with unease. James had done his research and realized werewolves got along better with animals, so his great idea was to change them all into Animagi even though he was the only one who knew about Remus. After a lot of convincing, Sirius and Peter had agreed, but Remus kept refusing. Of course, James was the only one who knew why, so he assured the others to leave it be._

_"I already told you I'm staying," Sirius reminded them. Remus snorted. That was true, the previous night Sirius had informed the three of them he was staying. Of course, Peter and James were sound asleep and Remus was the only one who remained awake. Not that Sirius knew that of course._

_"You did?"_

_"I did."_

_"Huh, okay." Remus snorted into his glass of pumpkin juice. Sirius shot him a smile that he hoped went unnoticed by James, but of course, James was scarily observant when it comes to Remus and Sirius, so he just winked at the latter._

_"So, since you two apparently don't listen when I talk, I'm going to go study with_ Remus  _in the library. You two are all on your own now!" Peter looked horrified, if it hadn't been for the oter three he wouldn't be passing his classes._

_"You'll still help me, right James?" The messy haired boy gave a nod and shooed the other two off. Sirius stood up from the table and offered a hand to Remus, who gladly took it. Sirius led them to the library hand in hand. The entire walk there Remus could feel his cheeks burning at the fact Sirius made no effort to let go of his hand. "You go wait for me, I need to go grab my books."_

_"Alright," Remus replied, still blushing, he was sure. Sirius let go of Remus's hand and headed towards the Gryffindor dorms. Remus went to the library, towards the back where they always sat and he set his stuff on the table. He'd been meaning to do more research on Animagi, seeing as how the other three weren't quite sure how to finish the potion, they just knew it had to be done on the full moon. The book James had found was missing the page needed to complete it, so he had begged Remus to try and find something, or if not, to ask Professor McGonagall since she wouldn't suspect anything from him._

_He knew it was more than likely the books were in the restricted section but he didn't really want to look there again. Last time he'd searched for things in the restricted section he'd almost gotten his hand bitten off by one of the books. He went to the section containing various potion books and began looking through them. Book after book and nothing contained any information an Animagi. Wouldn't it be in the potions section? Or maybe in the section containing books on_ _Transfiguration?_

_Remus put back the book he was looking through and went to go look elsewhere, but before he could get too far he ran into Sirius._   _He almost fell over and he probably would've if Sirius hadn't grabbed his arm to steady him. Remus couldn't help but notice how incredibly close to him he was, their noses nearly touching. "Look up." Remus did as Sirius had requested and looked up. There hung a piece of Mistletoe, dangling from Sirius's fingers._

_Before he had time to comprehend exactly what that meant, Sirius had kissed him. Remus, of course, tensed up at the sudden movement so the older boy pulled away, looking down at Remus nervously. "I'm sorry, I just thought you felt the same way, I-" Mustering up every ounce of courage he could, he stood on his toes and cut Sirius off by kissing him again. It was certainly more effective than trying to get him to stop talking by interrupting, that never worked. He heard the Mistletoe fall to the floor when Sirius dropped it to put his hands on Remus's hips._

_They stood there for a few more seconds, both of them nervous, gentle and slow with their movements before Remus pulled away. He put his heels back on the ground and let out a shaky laugh, resting his forehead against Sirius' chin. He wrapped his arms around Remus and pulled him closer. "Was that okay?" Remus whispered._

_"No, no that was perfect."_

//

"I think that's one of, if not the sweetest thing I've ever heard," She cooed. Remus shrugged and set his sketchbook on the counter next to the sink so he could brush his teeth. "What in the world happened between you two? You two used to be so happy, and now..."

"We were happy because we had each other and no one knew it. Well, James did, but that's... I guess that's a story for another time." Remus slipped into the bathroom to change his clothes into something more comfortable, into something he could sleep in. 

"Will you tell me the whole story, though? One day?" Lily queried. Remus grinned and slipped into bed, on the side he had slept on before while she watched him, eagerly awaiting an answer.

"What's the point of a story if one never finishes it? Of course, I'll tell you the whole story, you just have to be patient." She grinned back at him.

"I waited years for James to pull his head out of his arse, I think I can wait a month for the ending of a story."

"Good."

"Goodnight, Remus."

"Goodnight, Evans."

"Dear Merlin, Remus! Please don't call me Evans!"

"Goodnight, Evans."


	4. Pre-Moon Moony

They left New York the next day.

They piled their bags into the back of the car they had gotten, a van with the back seats taken out. Their bags could hold anything they could possibly need, they were practically bottomless. Clothes, healing potions, other such toiletries that they might need - anything. So, naturally, they didn't take up as much space as Muggle bags and suitcases usually would. Lily found them especially useful. She grew up a Muggle and knew the struggles of trying to shove a multitude of bags into a small space.

They also had a tent in the back of the van in case there were no hotels nearby, just a mass of land. And, to Lily's dismay, it wasn't a Muggle tent. She'd pushed and nearly begged since it would give a more authentic Muggle feel to the whole road trip. But as Remus had kindly pointed out, the fact their bags were already charmed was kind of a deal breaker, so she reluctantly agreed. Lastly, they had shoved a mattress along with a few pillows into the back for comfort since the seats were taken out.

Lily was the first person to drive. Remus sat up front with her since Sirius didn't want to and he'd rather not be in the back of a van with him. The first thirty minutes were spent sitting in silence, clearly unsure of what to do or say until Sirius pulled out an old tape player. Without saying a word, he rummaged through his bag and pulled out a tape to play. The second music flooded the car he recognized the song.

//

_Remus was sprawled out on Sirius's bed while the older boy searched for something. Christmas break had just started and the dorms were completely empty. James had winked at the two and assured them he'd keep Pete occupied so they could have some alone time. Neither of them really wanted to do anything other than enjoy the other's company. But they had to admit, it was nice being alone._

_"Found it!" Remus looked up lazily just in time to watch Sirius shove something into something else. "It's a tape player. Some Muggle thing... funnily enough Lily gave it to me, claiming she thought I'd like it. She charmed it so it could play here since most things like this don't work at Hogwarts because of the magic. It's a bit older now, but I still like it." He sat on the bed next to Remus._

_"That's wonderful, Sirius, But what exactly does it do?" Remus wondered, scooting closer to Sirius to rest his head in his lap._

_"Oh! It plays Muggle music! It's some of the best music I've ever listened to, you'll love it, Rem." Remus smiled fondly at the nickname. Sirius had given it to him a few days after they had officially become friends, James had tried to use it once back in their second year and Sirius looked like he was going to rip James' hair out. Sirius pressed a button and soft music filled the room._

_"It's nice," Remus confirmed after a moment, humming contentedly as Sirius ran his fingers through Remus's short hair._

_"Can I ask you something?"_

_"Of course, but that doesn't mean I'll answer."_

_"Fair enough. Why didn't you want to become an Animagus?" Remus knew this question was coming up and he really didn't want to have to face it._

_"That..." Remus sighed and sat up, prompting Sirius to turn and face him. "It's a long story, Sirius. I promise I'll tell you one day, just not... today's just not that day, okay?"_

_"Alright," Sirius agreed. He lay back on the bed and invited Remus to lay with him, so he did. That's how James found them thirty minutes later, fast asleep with Remus's head on the older boy's chest, the music still softly playing in the background._

//

Remus didn't react or say anything at first, mainly because he didn't know how Sirius would react to it, but the older boy just caught his eye and grinned widely. "Come on, Rem, I chose this tape specifically for you. You look like the ground is going to up and swallow you whole. Don't be so tense, loosen up a bit." That was the complete opposite of what Remus was currently doing and his words only made it worse. He was acting like old Sirius, it was as if a switched had been flipped.

"Sirius is right," Peter agreed. He looked mildly confused, glancing between the two of them. Remus fought back a sigh, even  _Peter_ noticed something was off, how lovely. "Come on, Moony, sit back here with us!" He shot a glance towards Lily, who was grinning widely.

"Yeah,  _Moony_ , go sit back there with your friends," she teased.

"You're my friend too!" He reminded her.

"I know, but not like they are. Go on, I'll survive up here on my own." Remus sighed and unbuckled his seatbelt, crawling into the back of the van to join his friends. He sat next to James. Sirius was on the other side of James, bobbing his head and quietly singing the lyrics. 

"Sing with me, Remus, I swear you know this song better than I do," Sirius said. Remus was unsure and confused on so many levels. After one last grin from Sirius, he gave in, quietly singing along to the lyrics with Sirius. Why was he suddenly being pleasant again? Remus wondered, discreetly eyeing Sirius over. Did James put him up to this? No, he wouldn't do something like this. Peter wouldn't either, he didn't know what was going on in the first place.

"Told you," James whispered to Remus.

"Told you what?" Sirius butted in.

"That you brought along that stupid tape player!" James responded, playfully shoving Sirius's shoulder. The older boy grinned widely and shoved James back, knocking him into Remus, who was now happily laughing along.  Peter was on the other side of Sirius, watching the three of them interact with amusement. 

"I haven't seen you smile that big in ages," Peter commented, looking past the other two boys and at Remus, whose smile disappeared with those words.

"Aw Pete, let the boy have some fun without commenting on what he has or hasn't done in ages," James replied. Peter raised his hands in defense.

"Hey! I was just making an observation!" He said indignantly. 

"It's okay James, no harm done," Remus reassured his friend, though it wasn't quite as reassuring as he had wanted it to be. James glanced at him skeptically but dropped it anyway, turning back to Sirius who was oblivious to what was going around him.

"Put in another tape Sirius," James requested. Sirius responded in the form of grabbing his back and pulling out a smaller bag filled with tapes and handing it to James. 

"You choose one."

"But I don't know what they are!"

"I know that, but it'll be funny to see what you pick with no knowledge beforehand," Sirius explained.

"Here, Remus, you pick one. You actually know what they are." Remus shook his head.

"No, it will be pretty funny to see what you pick." James huffed and looked in the bag, pulling out a few tapes and reading them. Finally, he handed one to Sirius.

"Oh? The Sex Pistols? That's nice, James," Sirius snickered.

"Oh fuck off, Sirius," James replied playfully. Remus couldn't help but laugh too, that was a very James thing to do, pick a band with the word 'sex' in the title. James pouted and snatched it back out of Sirius's hand, shoving it back into the bag and looking through them again.

"Oh fine, James, I'll choose something. You're taking forever!" James gladly passed the bag over to Remus, who looked through a few before handing one to Sirius. The older boy happily took it and put it in the tape player.

"What did you choose?" James wondered.

"The same thing he always chooses," Sirius replied for him. "Can't listen to it without thinking of him anymore." Remus glanced at Sirius curiously, and he now appeared a lot more morose than he was before.

"Okay that's lovely Sirius, but what is it?"

"My favorite," Remus replied teasingly.

"Lily!" James whined, crawling into the passenger seat. "They're being mean."

"Oh, you poor baby!" James pouted in response to his girlfriend. Sirius scooted a bit closer to Remus, taking advantage of the space James had left when he went up front and hit play. "It's The Beatles, James, are you happy now?" 

"Very!" Despite his enthusiastic response, James remained up front. 

"The Beatles? Why does that sound familiar?" Pete queried, glancing over at the two boys next to him.

"They're a very popular old Muggle band, arguably the most popular," Sirius explained. Peter nodded in response but said nothing more. Remus' skin was crawling at being this close to Sirius without the family spats and arguments that usually ensued their closeness. But, Remus noted silently, it was nice to not exhaust himself with the arguments he was so used to. "Where are we headed now?"

"The next state is Pennsylvania."

"Isn't that where vampires are from?"

"Sirius, that's  _Tran_ sylvania," Remus reminded him, a slight laugh in his voice.

"Oh! I was close, though?"

"Sure, Sirius, you were close," Lily assured him, sharing an amused look with James. Remus snorted in amusement and laid back on the mattress, enjoying the calm atmosphere around them all. He wanted to keep these friends for the rest of his life, he wouldn't be able to bear losing any of them. And to his confusion, his brain grouped Sirius with them. The thought of losing Sirius made his chest tighten and his eyes water.  _Dear Merlin_ , he thought to himself,  _not this again_.

Finally, he just snapped his eyes shut and rolled away from Sirius so he was facing the door of the van. Sleeping made trips faster and more bearable, and it certainly made the close proximity with Sirius easier to deal with. So, much to his luck, he finally managed to fall asleep to the soft sound of music, just like those few years ago. Except, this time, he was much more alone.

//

_"Merry Christmas, Moony!" Sirius murmured, placing a small kiss on Remus's jaw. It was Christmas morning and Remus was still half asleep. It was a moment before he groaned and cracked his eyes open, looking up at his incredibly excited boyfriend. Boyfriend. Oh, that word had a lovely ring to it. He was officially dating the infamous Sirius Black, the disgrace of the Black family, the love of his life. Well, Remus was still figuring out what love was but whenever he thought about it he only saw Sirius's warm eyes._

_"Moony?" Remus croaked. Sirius nodded happily and swung a leg on the other side of the werewolf before leaning down and kissing him. Remus hummed happily and kissed his boyfriend back, just in time for James to rip back the curtains surrounding the bed._

_"Get up you two lovebirds!" James exclaimed. Sirius paid no mind to his friend and continued kissing Remus, who was still happily responding to his movements. James rolled his eyes and shoved Sirius off Remus, causing him to fall onto the floor._

_"You prick!" Sirius exclaimed after standing up. "Now my arse hurts, what's your problem?" James snickered and looked down at Remus, whose tired eyes were filled with amusement._

_"I don't mind you two kissing in front of me, but full-blown snogging in front of me isn't what I'd like to see," James explained, sitting on the bed next to Remus._

_"Whatever James," Sirius grumbled. "It's Christmas! Let's open our presents!"_

_"Where'd Moony come from?" Remus asked tiredly as he climbed out of bed and followed the boys into the common room._

_"From me!" James said smugly. "I referred to you as Moony last night and it just... stuck." Remus shot a warning glance at James just as Sirius spoke up._

_"Exactly! Because you're so pale!"_

_"Hey!" Remus shouted indignantly, shoving Sirius's shoulder, causing him to topple over a couch. Remus snorted in amusement while James broke out into a whole fit of laughter._

_"That was brilliant, Moony!"_

_"All I did was shove him into a couch," Remus reminded him, sitting in front of the Christmas tree. Sirius had crawled over to the tree once he landed on the ground._

_"And he fell over because of it. Sirius Black is a man of grace and you just destroyed his reputation."_

_"Sirius? Graceful? What are you on, James? And do you have any more?" James huffed and sat on the other side of Sirius, who was already sorting through the presents._

_"Enough talking, it's time to open presents!"_

//

Remus, for the past couple years, was used to waking up alone. He was always the first one up when they all lived together, and usually even before that at Hogwarts, too. Being alone first thing in the morning while the moon was still sinking into the horizon was the most comforting thing about the day. Except, there were two differences when Remus woke up this time. One, he could feel sunlight on his eyelids. And two, he was distinctly aware of his hair being tugged and... played with.

His eyes shot open and he turned his head to the left, where Sirius was happily talking to Lily and James up front, his arm extending down towards Remus, and his hand was attached to... oh  _Merlin_ , why was Sirius messing with his hair? He looked past Sirius at Peter, who had his back facing Remus, clearly asleep. He looked back at Sirius and took a moment to realize just how much he'd changed since their years at Hogwarts. He looked more refined, almost, but at the same time, he looked rougher.

"Aw, Moony's awake!" Remus mentally cursed at James, but on the outside, he just forced a smirk and flipped him off.

"Because you couldn't shut up!" Remus teased. He was hyper-aware of Sirius still tangling strands of his hair between his fingers and he didn't like how he couldn't help but notice. He wanted to ignore it, but he was still stuck on the fact why Sirius was doing this. 

"Sorry for waking you, princess. Did someone not get enough beauty sleep?"

"I'm not the one who needs it, Potter." James grinned over at Remus, who finally sat up. Sirius moved his hand away and glanced at Remus briefly, almost enough for no one to notice, but James did. He always noticed, but he never said anything.

//

After that day in the van, Sirius decided to go back to ignoring Remus. Of course, Remus felt a little hurt by this but he didn't say anything and nobody brought it up despite the fact they all wanted to. Even Peter was beginning to notice something was a bit off between the two, he just couldn't seem to pinpoint what it was. It went back to normal, in a sense. Or at least, what was normal to Remus.

Until the full moon, of course.

Lily had packed quite a few potions for such an occasion. Because she didn't know how long they were going to stay in America, she brought more than was needed. They were near Cleveland, Ohio on that night. Remus stayed in the hotel room that day, pacing, sweating, scared he wouldn't be able to find a secure place to transform. Surely that would make news headlines.  _"Deformed wolf runs wild and kills civilians in Cleveland while a stag and doe chase it!"_  Oh, yes, that would make headlines.

"It's okay Remus," Lily assured him. None of them wanted to rent three hotel rooms and Sirius still refused to stay in the same hotel room with Remus. James' great solution was to continue to let Remus and Lily share a room while he stayed with Peter and Sirius. None of them particularly minded this arrangement except for Remus who was hurt that Sirius wouldn't even sleep in the same room as him. What did he expect? For Remus to kill him in his sleep? "James and Peter are driving around looking for somewhere you can go. Don't worry."

"I only have a few more hours," Remus whimpered helplessly. "I don't want to hurt anyone Lily, I've only ever hurt Peter and it was because I was playing a little too rough with Wormtail as Moony, and I  _still_ feel bad about it." Lily sat next to Remus and did her best to comfort him by rubbing small circles on his back. 

"Tell me more about Sirius, it'll help get your mind off things." Remus nodded weakly and began to talk about his previous relationship with Sirius.

//

_"We did it!" James exclaimed the next morning, rushing into the Hospital Wing where Remus currently was. He knew what they were referring to almost immediately. They had successfully transformed into animagi the previous night. "I'm sorry I wasn't with you last night, I wanted to be but it was too late for everything. You don't look quite as torn up as you usually do, which is good."_

_"It wasn't particularly bad last night, I think the wolf could hear the wind and it soothed him, I think I slept most of the night," Remus exclaimed, doing his best to sit up in bed. "I just have a particularly bad scratch on my leg. But that's irrelevant right now, what are your forms?"_

_"What are you going to tell the other two?" James asked, sitting on the chair next to the bed Remus was in._

_"What?"_

_"About your leg. What are you going to tell Peter and Sirius?"_

_"I don't know, I'm kind of hoping they won't find out," Remus sighed, shrugging. "But what are your forms?"_

_"Take a guess!"_

_"You're all pigs," Remus joked._

_"Ha. Very funny, Moony." Remus grinned at his best friend and leaned back a bit, repositioning his pillow into a more comfortable position._

_"I'm not telling you, Sirius and Peter can show you later," James told him. A moment after the words left his lips, Madam Pomfrey came rushing into the room, a small vile in her hand._

_"Who let you in?" Madam Pomfrey asked James._

_"I know about Remus if that's what you're worried about," James informed her._

_"That's not my main concern, Mr. Potter. My main concern is you waking up my patients!"_

_"I was awake when he came in," Remus defended._

_"Regardless, he should not be in here without my knowledge." She gave Remus the vile. "After you take that you can go." She turned around to glare at James, who shrunk back into his chair. "As for you, next time you want in, come to me first. You can escort Remus back to the dorms." Remus uncapped the potion and drank it all at once, grimacing at the foul, familiar taste. "You may go now, Mr. Lupin."_

_James was incredibly eager to get Remus back to the dorms and for once, he was excited to go. He usually took all the time he could to get back to the dorms, wracking his brain for stupid excuses to explain his absence this month. But this time, an excuse was the last thing on his mind. He just wanted to see his friends, especially Sirius, as well as their animagi forms. When they walked into the dorms, there was a shaggy black dog sat on Remus's bed, resting his head on his paws._

_This dog was huge, easily the size of a small bear. Beside him was a rat, his nose twitching rapidly, and James looked at the sight and grinned. The dog, once he caught sight of Remus, lept off the bed and ran towards him, knocking the small rat off the bed in the process. The dog jumped on Remus, nearly knocking him over. "You'll have to see my form later, it's probably not a good idea for me to transform inside our dorms."_

_"What is it? A hippo? An elephant?" James flipped him off. "Wait, Sirius?" The dog didn't reply, he just happily licked Remus's face. The werewolf grinned and ran his fingers through the shaggy fur. He looked back over at the rat, he sat mildly dazed on the floor at the foot of Remus's bed. "Peter?" The rat squeaked and ran over to Remus, crawling onto his feet. "This is amazing," Remus breathed, sitting down on the floor to allow the dog, Sirius, to climb into his lap and nearly crush him in the process._

_"See what you're missing, Moony?" James said with a wink._

_"Since you have me a ridiculous nickname I'm going to give you one. And you, Sirius, and Peter, since you all call me Moony." Sirius whined and licked Remus's hand._

_"Ooh! Can I help?" James asked excitedly._

_"No, you came up with Moony." James huffed, but he didn't protest again. "Let's go for a walk to the forest, I'm rather eager to see just what your form is, James. Maybe I'll have to call you Lardfoot or something."_

_"I promise you won't be calling me that."_

_"We'll see." Sirius rolled onto his back and pawed at Remus's face, begging for attention. "You literally_ just  _turned into a dog, Sirius, why are the pads on your feet already so rough?"_

_"That's not a bad name," James commented. "Padfoot."_

_"I'm supposed to be the one doing the naming!"_

_Sirius and Peter didn't transform back into their human form while on their way to the forest, they just stayed away from teachers and happily walked along. As soon as they were hidden by the trees, James changed. Remus staggered back when he did, seeing as how he was almost touching James' shoulder as they walked. A stag, he mused to himself. A red stag, very handsome for a deer._

_"Wow," Remus breathed. James dipped his head, so Remus took the liberty to gently stroke his nose, and James tilted his head and nudged his hand. "This is... amazing. Now you'll be able to keep me in check." James let out a puff of air and changed back, along with Peter, but Sirius remained as his dog form, licking Remus's hand in search of attention. Remus simply smiled and ran his hand across the fur on the top of his head._

_"What did you mean by now he'll be able to keep you in check?" Peter wondered._

_"I don't really know, but he's a fucking_ stag _, that's insane," Remus replied. He was hoping the other two hadn't caught that, but of course, they had. "I'm going to give you two the stupidest nicknames."_

_"I have a good one for Peter if you want it, Moony," James told him._

_"Oh? And what would that be?"_

_"Wormtail."_

_"Wormtail!" Peter yelped, turning back to James and huffing indignantly. "You're a stag and I'm a bloody rat! The least you could do is give me a nickname better than Wormtail!" Then he whirled around and faced Remus accusingly. "And you! What made you think I was the rat?"_

_"No, I quite like it," Remus said. Peter turned back to him and deflated, shrugging weakly. "I recognized Sirius's grey eyes."  
_

_"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and... what am I?" James questioned, frowning. It was that moment Sirius took the liberty of changing back into his human form, smirking widely._

_"Prongs!" Remus crossed his arms and pouted._

_"I was supposed to name all three of you, but you all stole my job!" Sirius slung an arm around Remus's shoulders, planting a quick kiss on his cheek. Sirius was always affectionate, so it wasn't an unusual thing for him to do. But all of them except for Peter knew it was a bit more between the two of them._

_"I didn't get to name anyone either!" Peter huffed._    _  
_

_"Sorry, but I couldn't resist," Sirius replied, resting his head on Remus's shoulder._

_"Oh, it's okay. I'm just being dramatic."_

_"Might wanna tone it down a bit, that's James' job." Peter snorted at Sirius's comment and the other two laughed at James who looked offended at the comment. "See? There he goes now!"_

//

As soon as he finished talking, James entered the room. "C'mon Moony, we found somewhere for you to transform. Lily, Peter, and I will all be there for you. It'll be okay." Remus turned to face Lily who had a sympathetic frown on her face.

"It'll be okay." He knew this transformation was bound to be worse than other nights because of the new environment, the wolf never liked any sort of change. He especially wouldn't like being cooped up like a caged animal. Back home James and Peter always took him out into the middle of the forest and let the wolf roam free.

"Let's go."


	5. Almost

The next morning he woke up on the floor of the empty, abandoned building James had taken him to last night. He could smell dirt and blood filling the air, as well as an underlying hint of mold and old water. He let out a soft groan and immediately felt hands on his shoulders, pulling him up. It was undoubtedly James. He was always the one to help him after the full moon, he'd get him home and Lily would do all the healing while Peter hung around quietly, observing Remus after. It used to bother Remus that he would do that once he found out, but after a couple years of it happening, he got used to it.

Remus moved his arm to pull himself up, but he before he could it brushed against soft fur. Not the fur of a deer and it was far too big to be a rat. Remus's eyes shot open and he was face to... well,  _fur_. Black fur. Remus craned his neck around to see Peter in the corner of the room while Lily was rummaging through her bag for the potions she'd brought with her. "Remus," James said. "C'mon, get up." His torso was stinging. So was his leg and arm and other various parts of his body, but those three places definitely hurt the worst. 

"What happened?" Remus croaked, his eyes still sticky with sleep. James wrapped an arm around his torso and pulled him into a sitting position, resting his back against the wall. He was careful to avoid the cut, which Remus was thankful for. He looked back at where he was previously laying, and there was Sirius, now awake, looking over at James and Remus. If dogs could look nervous, Remus could swear Sirius looked nervous. Eyes wider than usual, head slightly ducked. "What  _happened_ , James?"

"Maybe you should get dressed," James murmured, handing his friend his clothes. 

"You know, if my torso didn't hurt so bad I'd love to. Care to help me?" James nodded and helped his friend get into his boxers and jeans. 

"Lily, can you come help with the wounds?" She nodded and pulled out her wand before walking over to Remus and murmuring a couple spells, one to clean to wound and another to heal it. Of course, it wasn't fully healed, but it was good enough for the time being. 

"Take these," She told him. Lily stuck out her hand which held two small vials. He happily drank both of them. 

"Now, can someone tell me what happened?" James shifted on his feet nervously and Peter looked away, deciding that the small nest of spiders a few meters away was very fascinating. Lily knelt next to Remus and handed him his shirt.

"After you transformed, the first couple hours or so was fine. You were playing with James and me while Peter scurried around beneath your paws. Nothing unusual, but then you started pawing at the door. Of course, we had secured it so you couldn't open it and no one could come in, so we weren't worried about you getting out. You got so mad that you couldn't get out, so you started making other noises, howling and yapping...

"That we could deal with, but it only got worse. We tried to distract you, but you just started biting and scratching yourself. James tried to stop you and you got defense and started snapping at him instead, so finally he just... kicked you into the wall and knocked you out. A moment after Sirius apparated in and turned into Padfoot and... just slept next to you until you woke up."

"Is that why I felt like I was hit by a bus when I woke up?" Remus said. "Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry James."

"Probably," James replied. Then he shrugged. "The wolf isn't you, Remus, you can't help it. How are you feeling now?"

"I feel a lot better now that I've taken the potions, but still not... good. I feel heavy." Lily wrapped an arm around Remus and did her best to help him to stand. Remus was mildly surprised. He certainly wasn't the lightest person in the world but she still supported him. 

"Well? Let's go!" James and Peter happily left the building with Lily and Remus following behind them at a slower speed. Sirius followed behind all of them slowly, almost regretfully. Lily, after helping Remus, climbed into the back of the van after him. Sirius then lept up into the back too, laying down next to Remus and putting his head in the werewolf's lap. 

"Sirius..." The dog let out a small whine at his name but made no effort to move. Remus sighed and ran a hand through Sirius's shaggy fur, his stomach clenching at the familiarity. James started up the van and drove off. Remus rested his head on Lily's shoulder and continued petting Sirius who was licking his other hand. Why couldn't Sirius always be this way? Why did he have to treat Remus like he was a walking disease?

It wasn't long before the dog fell asleep, his head still resting in Remus's lap. "You miss him, don't you?" To his surprise, the question hadn't come from Lily, it hadn't even come from James. Instead, it was Peter who asked the one question the other two couldn't bear to ask him. Remus simply sighed as his first response, continuing to run his finger's through his fur.

"Yeah, I do. How could I not?" He admitted. "But it doesn't matter. It's unrequited. So as long as he's my friend I'll be happy." Lily rested her head on his as a show of comfort, and he could see James frown in the mirror. He wasn't quite sure about Peter, he always looked scared and right now it was no different. "I'm just scared."

"Scared?" Lily repeated.

"Yeah. I don't want him to continue treating me like I'm the bane of his existence. But... I'm also scared that if he does stop treating me that way I'll fall in love again and it'll all go to hell." Lily lifted her head and instead ran her finger's through his hair.

"Don't worry about that now, Moony," James said. "Just focus on something else. Everything will be okay, everything will turn out in the end. I promise." Remus just glanced over at James warily. Aren't all promises meant to be broken?

//

Later that night after a lot of sleeping on all of their part's, Lily decided that she wanted to take Remus around the city. Just on a nighttime walk around the immediate area surrounding the hotel. James was hesitant to let them at first, but after reassuring James that he had no interest in girls whatsoever, he was far more willing to let the two of them go on their own. James was, naturally, also worried about Lily and her safety, so after she rolled her eyes and reminded him she was going with a werewolf who was obnoxiously strong, he gave in completely.

"So, was this just a walk with a friend or did you have an ulterior motive for dragging me out here?" Lily flashed him a cheeky grin and tossed her jacket around her shoulders, leading the two out of their hotel room.

"Aw, Moony! You're getting to know me so much better already!" She cooed teasingly. Much to his relief, she didn't say anything until they were at least a block away from the hotel when she all but demanded to know the rest of his story with Sirius. Remus should've known this was why, especially after today. He kind of did, but he certainly didn't want to think about it.

"No," Remus replied flatly. He was suddenly a lot less enthusiastic about this walk with her than he was just a moment before.

"Why not?" Remus didn't reply, he just ducked his head shyly. Truthfully, he didn't have a proper response to this question other than he just didn't want to talk about right now. So eventually, he just told her the truth. "Why don't you want to talk about it?"

"What is this? Twenty questions?" He snapped. She rolled her eyes, unphased by his harsh tone.

"It will be if you don't tell me what happened. I want to help you, Remus!"

"Help me? How?" Remus scoffed. "Enlighten me,  _how_ will you help me?" She frowned and wrapped her arms around herself, and for a moment, Remus felt guilty. "You don't know?"

"Well, how am I supposed to know how to help if you don't tell me?"

"What are you going to do?"

"Help you forget him. Help you pursue him. I don't know, not exactly, I just don't want there to be a rift in the group because of you two." Remus sighed and rubbed his cheek.

"What's done is done, Lily."

"But it can be fixed!" They went silent as they passed a rather large group of people walking past them.

"Yeah? Well, I'm not so sure about that."

"But you still love him!" She insisted. Remus snapped his head towards her, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

"No, I don't. When did I say that?"

"You said you missed him," She reminded him. 

"That doesn't mean I still love him. Just, do you miss Severus?" Lily hesitated for a moment before nodding. "But do you still love him?"

"I never loved him," She whispered. 

"See? You're allowed to miss people you don't love. Hell, you're allowed to miss relationships and feelings you no longer have, it doesn't mean anything." Lily sighed. "I admit, I miss Sirius. I miss his kisses and hugs, I miss waking up next to him in the morning and holding his hand, but I don't love him anymore."

"But you said you could?" Lily pressed.

"Yes, I did. And I could. Falling in love with him was the easiest thing I'd ever done, but falling out of love wasn't quite as forgiving."

"Will you just tell me what happened, Remus? What did he do that was so bad?" He simply shook his head again.

"Not yet. I promise I will by the time the month is over." Lily nodded her silent agreement, and that was the end of that.

"I'm scared too," She admitted after a moment. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"How much of a secret is it?"

"No one knows."

"Not even James?"

"Not even James," She confirmed.

"I can't promise I won't freak out, but I can promise that this secret will stay between us. Unless you're dying, then I'm definitely going to tell James." She didn't reply to him. "You're not dying, right?" He followed up quickly, worry pitting itself in his throat.

"No, Remus. Don't worry, I'm not dying."

"Then what is it? Are you pregnant or something?" Once again, she didn't breathe a word. "So I suggested you were dying and you didn't say anything, and now you're not saying anything again so I'm going to need some confirmation, Lily." She still didn't say anything to confirm or deny his comment. "You are, aren't you?"

"You can't tell James!" She blurted out. She wiped at her eyes furiously. Remus paused for a moment and wrapped his arms around the worried girl. Why would he tell James? This wasn't his secret to tell, this was Lily's.

"I won't, I promise" he assured her. "It isn't my place to say anything, don't worry. Shh, it's okay." He held her as she cried, although he could tell she was reluctant to let herself do so. "When did you find out?"

"A couple days before the full moon," She admitted, gently pushing Remus away. He took a step back and gave her the space she wanted, allowing her to continue. "I wasn't really sure if I should change into my Animagus form that night but I did anyway because I know you can always use an extra person, or animal, there to help."

"How far along are you?" He asked.

"Two, maybe three months."

"Then it's perfectly okay to transform. It's safe to transform up until your fourth or fifth month."

"How do you know?" Remus flushed red at the question.

"Do you really want to know?"

"I asked, didn't I?"

"James, when he and the others were studying to become Animagi, he looked up things on pregnancy, claiming that when you and he ever got together and had a child he wanted you to be safe. Didn't even consider the fact you may not want to be an Animagus, nor the fact you may not want to be with him, or the fact you may not want children." Lily let out a chuckle.

"He really hasn't ever fancied someone else?" Remus smiled and shook his head.

"He's been determined to be with you since our first year. I swear at first he only liked the challenge, but as he grew up he really did begin to like you." 

"I shouldn't be so scared to tell him, should I?"

"It depends on a few factors. Like whether or not you want to keep the baby. If you don't, I recommend not telling him because he isn't exactly keen on the idea of abortion. And if you're planning on ditching him I recommend not telling him. Also, if you don't want him worrying about you and watching you like a hawk, I'd recommend waiting. But other than that, I say go for it."

"Are you sure he won't be mad? I want to keep it, I know I'm young, but... I think I'm ready to be a mom." Remus smiled at Lily.

"He'd kill us all to save you, you could become horribly disfigured and he wouldn't care. You could try to kill him and he wouldn't care. He loves you so much it's almost disgustingly sweet, I'm absolutely positive he won't be mad. I will assure you he'll freak out at first, but he'll be overjoyed." 

"Are you sure?" She asked again. Remus nodded and opened the door to the hotel for her. 

"I'm beyond sure." When they reached their hotel room, James was sprawled out on the bed on his stomach wearing nothing more than sweatpants, a book held in his hands as he read. "James?" His friend looked up lazily, though there was an underlying piece of annoyance held within his gaze. "Er, aren't you sharing a room with Sirius and Peter?"

"Not tonight. Sirius won't turn back into a human so I'm spending the night with my girlfriend since he can't protest." He swung his legs around and stood up, capturing Lily in a quick kiss.

"What do you mean he won't change back?"

"He wants to stay as Padfoot," James replied with a shrug.

"Won't or can't?"

"Won't. He's been an Animagus long enough to know how to change back." Remus sighed and took the room key off the nightstand next to the bed.

"Alright, but if I'm mauled by Sirius in the middle of the night just know you only have yourself to blame."

"I will take full responsibility for your death," James promised. Remus left the hotel room with all his clothes inside and went into the other one. Peter was already passed out on one of the beds, and on the other Sirius laid, still in his Animagus form. Sirius lifted his eyes to meet Remus's when he entered, giving him puppy-dog eyes.

"You're not stuck in this form, are you?" Sirius lifted his head and shook it like he was shaking water out of his long, shaggy fur. Remus sighed and shut the door behind him. He rested his back and head against the door, keeping his eyes fixed on Sirius. "Then you best move, I'm not sleeping on the floor or some uncomfortable couch because you refuse to turn human again. Down." Remus pointed at the floor and Sirius obeyed, hopping off the bed. "Thank you, Padfoot." The dog began to wag his tail and walked over to Remus to lick his hand.

"Can I sleep in some of your clothes? Or James' clothes? Lily and James are probably having sex and I would rather not walk in on that," Remus asked sheepishly. "Unless she told him she was pregnant, then she may not- wait! Shit, I shouldn't have said that! Don't tell James if Lily didn't! Oh god, I promised I'd keep it a secret, please-" Sirius let out a whine and licked Remus's hand again. "Thank you."

The dog trotted over to the three bags in the corner of the room and pulled one over to Remus. "Is it James' bag?" Sirius shook his head. "Yours?" He nodded this time and nudged it with his nose. "So I can grab some of your sweatpants?" Sirius nodded again. "You're sure I can go through it and grab some?" Another nod. Remus crouched down and opened the bag. Much to his relief, sweatpants were easy to find. 

Once he was changed and in bed, Sirius hopped up next to him. Like all dogs do, he walked around in a circle before laying on Remus's legs. It couldn't have been comfortable for him, Remus knew, so he sighed and patted the spot next to him, properly inviting Sirius to lay next to him. "You know this is a 'No dog's allowed' kind of hotel, right? How will the maids like to find a bunch of black dog fur on a clean, white comforter?" Sirius crawled up next to him and rested his head on his friend's chest. Remus sighed and ran a hand over his head. 

"I think I like you more like this," Remus admitted. "Because now you don't act like you hate me. I never wanted you to hate me." Sirius licked Remus's chin and whimpered. "I always knew you'd hate me eventually, I shouldn't have prolonged the inevitable." Sirius whimpered again and climbed on top of Remus so his entire dog-body was on top of the werewolf. Remus smiled weakly and patted Sirius. "Get some sleep, you know you need it. Even in dog form." 

//

Remus was surprised when he woke up the next morning. There was no longer a dog happily sleeping on top of him, but rather a human sleeping next to him, holding him. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who, Remus just hoped Peter, James, and Lily hadn't seen this. When he felt Sirius move, it was everything he could do to keep pretending he was asleep. He felt Sirius's arms slip away from him and a soft hand brushed away the hair on his forehead. "I'm sorry, Rem," He heard Sirius whisper. Remus wanted nothing more than to assure him it was okay, even though it really wasn't.

He didn't pretend to wake up until he could feel Sirius's paws against his ribcage. He did his best to fake a yawn and opened his eyes, looking down at the dog next to him. His tongue was lolling out of his mouth and his eyes were bright and playful. "Maybe after I wake up we can sneak you out to a park so you can run around, how does that sound." Sirius yipped happily, his tail going a mile a minute. "Shh! This is a dog free hotel, you can't forget that. Now I have to go get clothes from my other room, I'll be back."

Remus knocked on the door to the other hotel room softly. He didn't want to wake James if he was still asleep, he wanted to talk to Lily before that, if possible. To his relief, Lily opened the door. Her hair was tied in a bun on the top of her head and she smiled when she saw him, though it was a tired smile. "Good morning, princess," Remus mused, lifting his eyebrows. "Did James keep you up last night?" She laughed at opened the door wider, inviting him inside.

"What brings you here so early this morning, Remus?" She wondered, briefly glancing at a snoring James who was sprawled across the bed in a similar fashion to a starfish. 

"I wanna tell you about Sirius now." Her eyes widened a bit and she ushered him back out of the hotel room. 

"Let's go downstairs to get some breakfast, yeah?" He nodded and let her lead him to where they were serving the breakfast. "You go find us a seat, I'll get us some food." He walked off to the farthest corner and sat down. There weren't many people here this early in the morning, just one aside from he and Lily, breakfast had just started being served not even ten minutes ago. 

Once she brought him his food and took a seat in front of him, he told her.


	6. Love gone wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, the first part of this chapter is a series of small flashbacks detailing their relationship and how it came to an end.

The summer following their fifth year they wrote to each other whenever they had the chance. Sirius told Remus about what his family was like, what happened between them, and his reason for moving in with James a mere week after summer had started. He managed to convince his father to let him go over to James' place the week following the full moon. They, Sirius and Remus, spent their time lazing around and listing to tapes, pretending no one else existed. Truly, their first summer together was one to look back on and remember. 

All four (Peter visited for a month, arriving three days after Remus had) of them stayed up many nights talking and wandering the vast expanse of land the Potters' house sat on. They memorized it, every lake and trail and tree. Remus lost his virginity to Sirius that summer out by the lake one night. They had taken a few blankets, pillows, and a basket of food for a moonlight picnic but it turned into something so much more.

Remus only had to go back because of the upcoming full moon, apologizing numerous times to Sirius, who was near begging him to stay. The full moon that month had been particularly bad because he had gotten used to Moony having someone else to play with and be around, someone to keep him distracted and in check, to keep him from hurting himself. Moony hadn't been happy with his friend's absence, and in result clawed himself up rather than the door to the shed he was locked in.

He didn't see his friends again until the start of the next school year, where Sirius ran up to him and hugged him as tightly as he possibly could, making the bruises and scratches from his most recent transformation ache even more. Remus only hugged him back as tightly as he could until Remus's father decided he wanted to meet Sirius. The introduction went smoothly, his father seemed to like the boy despite his rock tee and leather jacket, something Remus could only picture Sirius in.

The first two months of the school year were uneventful until Sirius couldn't help but notice whenever Remus was gone overnight, so was James. It had barely crossed his mind the day after the second full moon of the year and he quickly brushed it off. But the next month, they disappeared at the same time once again. The night after, Remus had been lying in Sirius's bed and he decided to ask Remus about it.

"Why is it whenever you disappear for a night James does too?" With the way they were laying, Sirius could feel his boyfriend's heart rate speed up. Sirius held him closer while he awaited an answer.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you've disappeared overnight a few times and every time you do, James is gone that night too," Sirius explained. Remus let out a soft chuckle and nuzzled his nose into Sirius's neck.

"Sometimes I take nighttime walks, I like walking around alone sometimes, it's nice to just gather my thoughts and take some time to myself. I don't have a clue what James is doing, you'll have to ask him yourself," Remus replied. 

"You're not..." Sirius swallowed thickly before continuing. "You're not cheating on me with him, are you?" Remus couldn't hold back a bark of laughter that was sure to wake someone if they hadn't cast a silencing charm on the bed. 

"Cheat on you with someone like James? I have god himself in my arms and you think I'd cheat on  _you_ , with  _James_? Oh, Siri, you must be insane, the Black bloodline is finally getting to you. Besides, he's been in love with Lily since the day she decided she hated him." Sirius grinned down at him and nodded briefly. He knew it was stupid to think about, but this confirmation made him feel better. He knew Remus wasn't being completely honest with the first half of his story, but he was pretty damn sure Remus wasn't cheating on him. James didn't even like blokes, what was he thinking?

"Sorry for thinking that," Sirius murmured, burying his nose in Remus's hair. 

"Don't worry about it, I can't blame you. You're jealous by nature, it's okay. I am too," Remus responded. "Now shut up, I'm tired." And so he did.

The whole of their sixth year went by relatively smooth. The only thing that would suggest otherwise is the fact Sirius couldn't help but notice that whenever Remus was gone, so was James. Whenever it happened it made his skin crawl because there was something Remus wasn't telling him, even if he wasn't cheating. The longer it went on, the more it bothered him. He just didn't want to risk whatever they had.

So he let it be. He didn't say anything until summer came around and Remus was in the kitchen at the Potters helping James' mom cook breakfast for the other ones in the house. They were talking about little things like school and grades and what he wanted to do after school. Remus hadn't realized before how much he enjoyed Mrs. Potter's company. She wasn't young but she was certainly a good mother, one very accepting and relatively laid back.

Sirius saw them and wondered that if his family wasn't toxic if Remus would make this much of an effort to get to know his mother as he had Mrs. Potter. The thought irked Sirius, and he knew it was better not to say anything about that either, but that night he just couldn't help it. Something was off and Sirius was positively determined to find out what exactly it was.

"Rem?" Sirius asked. They had decided to take a walk that evening. Well, Sirius had and he wanted Remus to come along so he could ask him about what was going on. Remus hummed in response, looking over at him.

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Sirius paused and turned to face Remus.

"With James. All year, you were gone when he was at night and... I can't help but wonder what." He heard Remus's sharp intake of breath and he didn't like it.

"I already told you what I do, I can't speak for James."

"But it's always the same night, and you're never gone otherwise, neither is he!" Sirius bit, immediately regretting the harsh tone of his words.

"Listen, you've got to trust me-"

"How about you trust  _me_! You're my boyfriend and I bloody love you! What's so bad you can't tell me?"

"You'll hate me. I can't have you hate me," Remus whimpered.

"I won't hate you, Rem. I promise." Promise, Remus thought bitterly, everyone promised him things and they only broke them.

"You will! Everyone does! Everyone... they'd hate me."

"Rem, please," Sirius begged. He took his hands in his own and held him tightly. "It's okay."

"I go to the Shrieking Shack every month," Remus told him hesitantly.

"The haunted place in Hogsmeade?" Remus nodded slowly. "Why?"

"Well, it's not actually haunted..."

"Then what makes the noise?" Remus held his breath as he waited for the realization to dawn on his boyfriend. Sirius only looked at him curiously, he wasn't going to get it without Remus's help.

"I do. I'm..."

"You're what?" Now even Sirius sounded hesitant, almost like he didn't want an answer. Remus knew he didn't want the truth, he only wanted an answer.

"I'm a werewolf, Siri," He whispered. Sirius practically leaped back at the word, dropping Remus's hands in the process. He felt his eyes begin to fill with tears, Sirius looked mad, he looked... disgusted. "I was bitten as a child because my father... he hated them, wanted them all killed. And... one of the werewolves he had captured overheard him and, well... he came after me in revenge."

"Can't blame him, really," Sirius spat angrily, taking a large step back from Remus.

"W-who?" Remus squeaked.

"Your father, of course." That hurt worse than any transformation Remus had ever gone through. The harshness of his words and the clear hatred behind him. Had they come from anyone else he wouldn't have cared, but  _Sirius_? He didn't even try to hold back the sob that slipped out, he tried not to cry in front of Sirius, but that wasn't hard to do seeing as how he left back towards the Potter estate, leaving Remus to himself. Leaving him to break and pick up whatever was left of his heart.

He began walking back to the estate a few minutes later, meeting James halfway. The boy didn't stop running towards Remus until his arms were wrapped around the smaller boy. James was breathing heavily, squeezing Remus in a similar was a boa constrictor would kill its prey. James petted the top of Remus's head in an attempt to soothe him, but it only made him start crying again. "You can't let him know that you knew before he did. He'd kill us both, then."

"He's not going to know, and he's not going to kill anyone, Remus. Trust me."

"But he wants me killed," Remus murmured.

"No, he doesn't want you killed. Did he say that?"

"Well, he said that he couldn't blame my father for wanting all werewolves killed, so I'd say he said that." James stilled before pulled away from Remus. 

"That fucking prick!" James seethed. "I'm going to fucking kill him-" Remus grabbed the hem of James' shirt before he could go anywhere.

"No, James don't, there's no point. I'll just go home and give him some alone time. The full moon is in a couple days anyway." 

"I'm going home with you, then. I want to be with you for the full moon, I don't like it when you're alone. And I have a sneaking suspicion tonight might be worse than usual."

"But Sirius can't know you knew-"

"He came back inside cursing and kicking things and then he told Peter and me about you. I didn't let him know I knew beforehand, we already went over this." Remus sighed and agreed to let James go home with him. And so they went.

It was Christmas over their seventh year when Sirius finally apologized for insinuating that he wanted Remus killed. Of course, he was scarily quick to forgive Sirius despite what he'd done, but after that, nothing was ever the same between the two of them. Sirius always took the liberty of ignoring Remus and treating him like the plague, and in return, Remus slowly fell out of love with the one person he thought he'd grow old with.

//

By the end of explaining everything to Lily, including this morning's events, Remus was near tears. Lily, on the other hand, looked righteously pissed off. "Why would anyone think it's okay to tell someone they're better off dead? Especially a loved one! What the fuck was going through his head?" Remus shrugged weakly and moved the food around his plate with his fork. Lily reached across the table and took his other hand in both of hers as a show of comfort.

"Betrayal, maybe?" Remus suggested. She sighed and let go of his hand. 

"Based on what you told me he's regretting his decision. Or something like that, I'm not sure. I would kill James if he ever said that to me, I don't know how you're so calm about this." Remus laughed bitterly and looked up at Lily as though it were obvious. And perhaps it was, but she just didn't want it to be true.

"It's because I hear it all the time. Just because I loved him didn't change the fact I was used to hearing it. Werewolves are always treated poorly, they always have been. I was lucky that Peter and James were okay with it, that they didn't want me killed- and you, of course. Everyone else hates me for it, even my father. Although my father would never say it to me, it's still obvious enough about what he thinks of me."

"You are most definitely in a difficult situation here," Lily commented over the room of her coffee cup.

"Yeah, no shit. After the full moon a couple nights ago, I don't think he wants to face the fact he was there with me while I was Moony, while I was the wolf. He won't change back, he doesn't want to. Not yet. At least, I think that's the case. He'd never seen me like that before and I'm not sure how he feels about it.  _I'm_  not sure how to feel about it." Lily sighed and set the cup of coffee down, meeting Remus's eyes.

"Do you wish he hadn't seen you? Do you want to talk to him about it? Think about it, Remus, and do what you want to do. Do what you think is right."

"Yes, no, I don't know! That's just it, Lily! I don't know what's right, I don't have a goddamn clue what I want to do. I want to be completely done with him, but on the other hand... I also miss him. I miss him terribly."  Lily handed Remus an apple before continuing. 

"Well, then maybe you should start by rebuilding your friendship with him and seeing where it goes from there," She suggested. Remus bit into his apple and looked out the window of the hotel. The sun was high in the sky, shining brightly, drowning out all shadows.

"But what if I fall in love again?" Lily didn't hesitate to answer, she gave him a small smile.

"Then you fall in love again, Remus, don't over complicate things."

"I don't know if I could ever handle heartbreak like that again, Lily, it left me completely broken." She smiled wider and rolled her eyes.

"Okay, I still haven't told James about the baby. Let's say that when I do, he leaves me and breaks my heart. Then he comes back to me two years later after I'd already fallen out of love with him, claiming he wants to be in the baby's life. I'd let him. And if I fell in love again only for him to break my heart again, so be it. Remus, you and Sirius have something even James and I don't. You can't give up on that." Now it was his turn to sigh because deep down, he knew she was right.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Beyond sure. Don't give up on him because you're afraid, of anything that's all the more reason to stay. He can keep you safe, he can keep your fears at bay. He can now be with you before, during, and after the full moon, taking care of you and making sure you're safe and okay."

"What if he doesn't feel the same." Lily rolled her eyes again, but this time it was pretty accusing and annoyed than playful like it had been before.

"Based on what you told me about today, he does. He'd be a fool not to feel the same way. And if he really doesn't feel the same way, your friendship was just as strong as your relationship, you can work on that instead."

"You're absolutely brilliant, Lily, truly. You're a good friend." Lily blushed at the compliment and waved it off.

"Yes, well,  I'm tired of watching the two of you mope around like children. Fix it."

"What if I can't?"

 _"Merlin,_  Remus! Have some faith in yourself. Now, go back up there and talk to him."

"Are you s-"

"Yes, I'm bloody sure! Go!" So he went. He left the table and walked down to the room he currently shared with Peter and Sirius. Remus was admittedly afraid to talk to him, for a variety of reasons, all of which seemed rather foolish as a second thought. He passed Peter in the hall, hurrying down to the breakfast.

He hesitated once he reached the room, his hand hovering above the door handle, too scared to open it. What would Lily say? He gripped it and walked into the room hesitantly. "Sirius?" He heard a whine come from under the bed they have slept on before. "No, still Padfoot. All right, c'mere." His furry black head popped out from under the bed.

He crawled out the rest of the way and hopped up on the bed. Remus sat next to him and ran a hand across his soft fur, letting out a small sigh. He'd missed this more than he'd ever care to admit. "Okay, you were with me on the full moon. Why?" Moony picked up a few simplified words in dog language, whatever it was.

"Padfoot sad, hurt Moony. Moony sad." Remus sighed again and gently messed with Padfoot's ears.

"Back when I told you what I was, you did hurt me, you broke my heart, Sirius. You apologized to me months later and I forgave you without a second thought, and you never accepted that. You treated me like the plague, you still do. It hurts me, Padfoot, it hurts a lot, but I still forgive you." Padfoot crawled into his lap and licked his hand sadly.

"I accept your apology, but can you accept my forgiveness?" Padfoot bobbed his head up and down in confirmation. "Good, can you back now?" Padfoot jumped off the bed and changed back into Sirius, who looked exceptionally guilty.

"How can you forgive me for everything I've done to you?"

"Because I know you, Siri. You don't think before you speak and you were raised to hate dark creatures." Sirius flinched at the words.

"You're not a dark creature! You're you with a single night a month where you go all furry and wild."

"I am a dark creature, and I know that."

"No. You have a dark creature inside you that appears on the full moon. You're Remus, not Moony."

"All right, I'll accept that." Sirius smiled sadly and finally sat back down next to Remus.

"So... Lily's pregnant?" Remus's eyes widened. He'd forgotten he let that slip, he wasn't supposed to tell anyone.

"Yeah, she is. And she still hasn't toted James and she told me not to tell you guys, so you can't know."

"My lips are sealed. I'll try not to let it slip to her that I know. Is James still asleep?"

"Not sure, he probably is if Lily hasn't woken him up yet." Sirius grinned and his eyes twinkled with mischief and delight.

"Okay, then let's go scare him!"

"What are we, Sirius? First years?"

"Sure, why not?"

"The question was rhetorical- you know what, never mind. I don't know why I bother." 

//

Truthfully, Remus knew it wouldn't be easy to snap back into the old swing of things, and he knew it wouldn't go back to normal just like that. He and Sirius had a lot of history between them, and although Remus had done his best to sweep that all under the rug, he wasn't sure about the older boy. Remus had dealt with being ignored by him since before their seventh year and he imaged Sirius had grown used to ignoring his presence.

Remus, as well as Sirius, had also grown accustomed to their angry spats, releasing whatever anger they held towards the other. These arguments were always (not always, but almost always) about small, insignificant things that they (usually Sirius) would pick out solely for the sake of arguing with each other. Remus knew that they couldn't exactly flip a switch and make everything okay. They couldn't exactly immediately go back to being friends after everything that happened between them.

Remus had fallen in, then back out of, love with Sirius. So, he decided as he stood on the shore of one of the Great Lakes, Lake Erie, that he wouldn't make the same mistake once again. He couldn't afford to go through something like that again, that sort of heartbreak, the wolf might kill him the next time. "Well, at least now I can say I've been to one of the great lakes," Peter sighed while he looked out over the chemical-filled water.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed with a nod. "But it  _is_ the most boring of the great lakes, isn't it? It's so filled with chemicals and bacteria we can't even swim in it!"

"Yes we can," Remus told him. "It's just not advised." Sirius huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, somewhat like a pouting child.

"Then let's just go to Lake Michigan, people swim there," James suggested. 

"But I thought we agreed to head to Florida after this?" Remus nodded along with Lily's comment, they  _had_ agreed to that.

"We can go after, I promise, Lils," James murmured. He snaked one of his arms around her waist and pulled her close, kissing her temple, and in return, he leaned into him. Peter watched them with his watery blue eyes and let out a small noise of discontent.

"Why can't I find a decent girl?" He fretted. "What if I die alone, oh dear Merlin, I'm going to die alone!" Sirius turned to his friend and clapped him on the back, making his slightly chubby friend jump. 

"Ah, don't worry, Pete! Girls are just intimidated by you, mate. I promise it's just better to wait for the perfect girl rather than rushing into things." Sirius grinned down at his friend, but Peter didn't look too convinced.

"Really, Pete, don't worry. You're an attractive looking bloke. Sirius is right, you just have to wait for the right girl, it'll be worth it, I promise." Peter definitely seemed more content with Remus's word over Sirius's, but he still nodded mournfully.

"Anyway!" James placed one last kiss on Lily's temple and pulled away, clapping his hands together. "Let's get a move on, shall we?" 

"Race you." Sirius flashed a sly grin towards Remus and took off running towards the van. Remus snorted and rolled his eyes before taking off after him. It didn't take Remus long to catch up to him, of course. Werewolf strength and speed or whatever, something like that. In the end, they both arrived at the van the same time, both out of breath and laughing.

"I thought for sure I'd beat you. You know, I would've, but I was just going easy on you." Sirius stuck his tongue out at Remus and opened the door to the van, allowing the younger boy to climb inside first. 

"How are you so fast, Rem?" Remus tried not to pay attention to the old nickname because quite frankly, it always made his stomach roll over because he was the only one who ever used it.

"Werewolf," Remus said mindlessly. When Sirius didn't reply right away, he feared he'd said the wrong thing. But when Remus opened his mouth to apologize, or something of that sort, Sirius beat him to it.

"I'm sorry, you know. If that makes any difference. For the way I acted and the things I said when you told me, and even... well, after that I was just scared you'd hate me so I ignored you, I didn't want to face what I'd done."

"You really don't know me, Sirius," Remus said, leaning against the other side of the van. "Even then, I forgave you with a simple apology. I didn't hold it against you, werewolves are always treated that way, I couldn't blame you for it. You were raised to hate us, it's what I expected."

"Merlin, I'm an idiot, aren't I?" 

"That you are, Padfoot dear." The two boys looked up to see James climbing into the passenger seat of the car while Lily climbed into the other side. "Next stop, Michigan!"


	7. Midnight Kisses

Remus was beyond positive that the ride to Michigan from Ohio wasn't near as long as it felt. Between Sirius playing loud music that they used to listen to when they were together and singing off key as well as Peter's fearful chat with James about love and failed relationships and how he was destined to die alone to whether Peter's unrational fear of Pygmy Puffs was justifiable or not. Remus just did his best to focus on the music and Sirius as he sung while trying not to let it affect him in a negative way versus listening to Peter on the verge of tears.

In reality (or rather, according to James when Remus had asked him), the whole ride only took approximately two hours to get them where they were headed, but it certainly felt much longer. To Remus, the ride had felt like a solid eight hours. By the time they actually arrived, James was whining to Lily about the heat, Peter was snoring right next to him, and worst of all Sirius had fallen asleep on Remus's shoulder. 

Remus couldn't seem to shake the buzzing awareness of just his bloody existence and how close Sirius was. He could feel the older's boys breath tickling his neck hairs and his warmth radiating off of him, his hand was resting on Remus's knee and his knee was touching his and it was a bloody mess because Remus had not mentally prepared himself for something like this if it were to happen and, to his luck (not), it  _did_. He met Lily's eyes in the mirror. He didn't like how all-knowing they seemed at that moment.

"All right boys, here we are," Lily announced, though her voice was quiet as if to make sure she didn't wake the others. Remus somewhat glared at her before shaking Sirius's shoulder in an attempt to wake him, and thankfully, this was the only attempt needed. Sirius let out a noise of discontent and stretched before he actually opened his eyes and gazed up at Remus with a small grin.

"G'morning, Moony," He hummed sleepily. Sirius then sat up and stretched his arms high above his head once more, sighing happily.

"It sun is going to set soon, Padfoot," Remus reminded him. He huffed and pouted, then he stuck his foot out and kicked Peter's leg in order to wake him. The blonde yelped mid-snore and scrambled into a sitting position, glaring over at a smug-looking Sirius. Lily and James both climbed out of the car, leaving the other three.

"Will you ever wake me like you wake a normal person?" Sirius tapped his chin, as if in deep thought, before shaking his head.

"Hmm... nope, you're out of luck!" Lily then decided to open the side door to the van and give Sirius a look of disappointment. 

"Sirius, he is your friend. Play nice." Remus climbed out of the van, the other two Marauders following close behind him. " _Sirius_ , if you're not bringing your bag what exactly are you planning on swimming in?" The raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"Nothing?" He sounded hopeful.

"Nice try, prat. Go grab your bag, and get the rest of ours while you're at it." Sirius didn't protest and he climbed back into the van and distributed all the bags before climbing back out. Lily grabbed her hand from beneath the passenger seat and tucked it into her back before she shut the door. "All right, does everyone have what they need?"

//

The rest of that day, that evening, went by in a blur. James and Lily were being as cute as they always were, Peter had seemingly tossed all dignity out the window and began flirting with various girls always swimming at the lake, only to get shot down.  _Repeatedly_. It was kind of sad, really, to watch the poor boy try to chat girls up. He wasn't unattractive by any means, he just couldn't talk to girls without tripping over his words and talking with his hands.

Remus just sat and read on the shore until Sirius decided it had been long enough and he dragged Remus into the lake with him. It had been... nice. Being so friendly with Sirius again, even though he was absolutely convinced he could physically feel his heart bouncing around within his ribcage. Sirius hadn't mentioned anything about their past since they'd started talking again and neither had Remus, he was afraid that if he did it would scare the older boy away.

Lily, on the other hand, watched the two interact throughout the evening. They were both smiling and laughing, they both looked blissfully happy, Lily hadn't seen Remus smile that wide since their school years at Hogwarts. "They look so..."

"Happy?" James supplied. They were sitting on the shore, watching the other two wrestle and disappear beneath the water for a few minutes before breaking the surface and laugh open-mouthed. "They always were. At least, Remus was. Neither of them had a good childhood but Remus had this pure soul, he was always smiling and laughing, he was the beacon of hope. Sirius was a fake kind of happy, putting on a show only to break down later. Remus helped, they both helped each other. After they broke up I'd never seen either of them look so... so sad."

"Do either of them realize it?" Lily wondered, leaning against James' frame.

"Realize what?"

"How happy they are with each other." 

"Oh, that." James sighed through his nose and lifted his head to watch the two of them for a while longer. "Maybe. I think they realize it, just not consciously."

"Do you think they'll fall in love again?" 

"Oh, yeah, definitely. Whether they do anything about it is a whole different story. Remus is stubborn, once he's made up his mind he won't change it. He doesn't want to fall in love with him again, so if he does, he won't admit it to himself." Lily nodded along. He was right, they were both going to keep trailing after each other even if something did happen.

"James?"

"Hmm?" 

"I'm pregnant." She felt James still beneath her. "Please don't be mad, even wizard protection can't work all the time, I-"

"I'm not mad, Lily!" James breathed. 

"Oh thank Godric," Lily replied, turning up and touching her nose to the underside of James' chin. 

"How long have you known?"

"Not long, I'm a little past three months along. I was scared to transform into my Animagus form, but Remus told me it's safe until my fourth or fifth month along."

"You told him before you told me?" James didn't sound upset, much to Lily's relief, just amused.

"I was scared," she admitted hesitantly. "I didn't know how you'd react."

"Oh, Lily, I've been wanting to marry you since you decided you hated me. Having children? That's brilliant. I'm  _excited_ , Lily. Do you know if it's going to be a boy or  girl?" She let out a sigh of relief and rolled so she was practically on top of him, and she hugged him, shaking her head. 

"No. I love you so fucking much." With those words, James pulled her closer. "We should get married in Vegas."

" _What_?"

"You heard me. I mean, why not? Sirius can be your best man and Remus can be my man of honor or something and Peter can... Peter can be the ring bearer or something, maybe he can give me away or something. I don't know, I just know I want to seal everything we have."

"Didn't you want a big, fancy wedding? You always told me you wanted one."

"And I did," She replied, rolling back off him and gazing up at the pink sky. "But then I realized that that doesn't matter. What matters is I marry you." 

"Lily! James!" They both turned their heads and saw a frantic Sirius being chased by a running Remus rushing towards them. 

"Oh Merlin, what now?"

"Padfoot, what the bloody hell did you do this time?" 

" _He put a fucking fish down my shorts!_ " Remus shouted back, tackling Sirius to the ground. He sat on Sirius's chest so his back was facing Sirius's face and grabbed a handful of sand and shoved it down his pants. James lost it, doubling over in laughter. Lily grinned and flicked her boyfriend (fiance, maybe? She didn't know) on the nose. 

"You deserve that, Black!" She replied.

"I feel bad for the fish!" James said through wheezes.

"I really need another girl to join us."

"Why not Peter? He's not much of a- ow!" Remus had stood up and dropped more sand onto Sirius, except this time it was on his face. 

"Sirius Orion Black!" Lily shouted, "He is your friend!" Now Lily was on the warpath, grasping a handful of sand.

//

They had all refused to let Sirius have his wand to charm the sand away. He'd taken a total of four showers since they'd arrived back at the hotel and every time he walked back out of the bathroom, he just complained about the sand that was 'attached to his scalp and wedged down... there'.  Remus had sighed at his wording and simply instructed Sirius to take another shower while Lily giggled from on top of one of the two beds, busying herself with a book.

"You two seem to be getting on well," She had commented. James and Peter were both out grabbing some food, the other three had decided to stay at the hotel. Remus sighed and flopped down face-first onto the bed Lily was sitting on.

"For now." He rolled onto his back and sat up, running a hand through his messy ear-length hair, he really needed to trim it, long hair was Sirius's thing. He looked over at Lily, who had her eyebrows raised.

"For now?" Remus gave a short nod. "Why only for now?"

"It's Sirius, Lils. He's all over the place, I wouldn't be surprised if he snapped back in a week or two, and if he hasn't by then it'll only take until the full moon. I know him, I know we'll eventually start fighting again, it's only a matter of time." Remus ended with a shrug. He smoothed out the comforter that had been messed up when he laid on it, trying to distract himself.

"Remus... please don't think like that. Even after all the stupid shit he's done you've always bounced back, this is just like that. Please." Remus fell back onto the back once again, messing up the smoothed out comforter.

"I'll try. I'm sorry, I'm just..."

"Scared?" She supplied. Remus didn't respond at first, they both knew that was the only word they could use to describe how he felt. Well, close to the only word. Nervous, anxious, and maybe slightly excited, but scared summed it all up into one. She nodded in silent agreement with him and patted his shoulder.

"I should hate him," Remus said mournfully. Lily didn't respond. She didn't want to respond, she didn't know how to respond, all she knew is that he was right about that. Saying someone should be dead was certainly unforgivable, especially if they couldn't help what they were. "But I just can't."

"Then don't. You don't have to beat yourself over not hating someone, isn't that a good thing?"  He shrugged his shoulders and sighed.

"Maybe," He whispered.

"What are you two talking about?"

"Ways to get back at you for insulting Peter and shoving a fish down my pants," Remus replied smoothly, without so much as batting an eye. Sirius glanced between the two of them uneasily.

"Okay guys, really, wasn't the sand enough? I swear I can still feel it-"

"He was joking, Sirius. We were talking about James," Lily told him, shooting a playful glare in Remus's direction that went unnoticed by Sirius. The older boy was using a towel to dry his hair, shirtless and wearing low-rise shorts, Remus swore he was having breathing problems.

"James? Why James?"

"I'm pregnant," She told him. Remus met Sirius's eye for a brief moment before one of them, Remus wasn't exactly sure who, looked away.

"That's wonderful news! How far along are you?" Sirius seemed genuinely surprised, Remus was glad he didn't let onto the fact he knew before now.

"A little over three months!"

"Speaking of pregnancy," Remus interrupted, sitting upright once more. "I've been looking up spells to find out the sex if you're interested." Lily turned to look at Remus, eyes bright and bubbling with excitement. 

"I'd love to know!" Remus smiled and reached to grab his wand off the bedside table, before casting the simple spell. A green light shimmered into view.

"Looks like you're going to have a boy, Lils." She threw her arms around Remus and hugged him as tight as she could. Her shoulders were shaking as she clung to him, he patted her back uncomfortably and looked over at Sirius to help. She pulled away a second later and let out a watery laugh.

"Thank you," she breathed as she wiped off the tears trailing down her rosy cheeks. "You didn't have to go out of your way to do that."

"No, but I wanted to."

"We have food!" All three looked up at James who was balancing two pizzas on his hand and carrying a bag in the other, while Peter appeared to be holding drinks. "Let's eat!"

//

It was later that night when Remus realized it was hopeless. What was hopeless, he wasn't quite sure, he just felt... hopeless. He didn't know if that hopelessness disappeared or worsened when he felt another body slip into bed beside him. Remus slid over so the person, who was Sirius, of course, could have more room. The beds were small, there was no way they could both lay in the bed without sharing warmth, without touching the other. "Do you like Lily?"

"Of course I do, she's dating James and she's a good person, she's a good  _friend_." Remus looked at Sirius in the dark light, his wolf-like eyes slightly more attuned to the near-black room. He looked tired and worn out, Remus wondered why.

"Do you like her like James does?" Remus almost laughed at the absurdity of the question, he was almost it was Sirius's idea of a joke until he saw the look on Sirius's face, not a hint of amusement or doubt.

"What? Sirius, no- Sirius I'm  _gay_ ," Remus reminded him. Sirius looked (and felt) oddly small. His feet were hanging off the end of the bed because he had his head below Remus's chin so he could look up at the younger boy, eyes wide.

"Then kiss me." Sirius sounded sad, it held so many emotions that it made Remus feel sick. 

"Sirius, I-"

"Please, Rem," He begged. Remus wanted to. He really, truly, wanted to kiss Sirius. He wanted to feel the warmth and the rough, chapped feel and the taste of rain and smoke, he wanted to feel everything he had to offer. Remus felt slightly light-headed, he couldn't hold onto a single rational thought, so he leaned in and kissed him. He could've sworn Sirius shuttered at the touch. They melted into each other like warm chocolate.

Remus slotted his leg between Sirius's and put one hand behind his neck, the other tangled in his long hair, it was so much longer than Remus remembered. Remus parted his lips and let Sirius have control, just for the night. Only for the night, one last time couldn't hurt.

They did nothing more than kiss that night, every barrier they had built was ripped apart, but while they slept they rebuilt themselves. Remus couldn't let himself get hurt again and Sirius simply knew it could never happen again. Whatever they used to have, whatever future they were building, Sirius had wiped the slate clean with only a few words. But he didn't realize that anything could happen with a blank canvas.

Sirius didn't return to his bed that night. He had rested his head on Remus's chest and let himself be lulled to sleep by the steady sound of the werewolf's heartbeat. Remus didn't fall asleep until long after Sirius had, he was too busy arguing with himself to allow himself to get any rest. He only fell asleep when he knew it was hopeless.

Why prolong the inevitable?

Remus woke up to someone shaking his arm. He knew it was Lily, anyone else would've done something much worse. Remus groaned and pulled his arms closer to his body. 

It took him a minute to realize he still had his arms wrapped around Sirius.

"Remus?" He felt Sirius stir in his arms. Remus mentally cursed Lily but opened his eyes anyway. She gazed down at him with that motherly gaze she wore so well. "Do you want breakfast?" He shook his head, he was worried that he wouldn't be able to keep food down.

"Not particularly, no." She nodded without another word and left the room. Sirius stirred again, and this time he sat up and untangled his limbs from Remus's. "Sirius?" No reply. "Sirius, please talk to me." Again, no reply. Remus wasn't very surprised, he should've prepared better for the inevitable.

The older boy got up, grabbed his bag, and disappeared into the bathroom. Remus sucked in a deep breath and shut his eyes, gathering his thoughts for a moment. He tossed back the bed covers and got up, leaving the room to catch up with Lily. "Hey, sleepy head!" She teased, ruffling his already messy hair.

"Mornin', Lils. How'd you sleep?" She giggled and turned to look up at Remus with her all-knowing eyes.

"I should be asking you that question." Remus sighed and slung an arm over Lily's shoulders. He turned to look down at her, smiling slightly.

"Last night he crawled into my bed wondering if I liked you the same way James did, apparently he didn't remember that I'm gay." He paused as they turned down the hall, did he really want to explain this to her? Maybe? He looked down at the patterned hotel carpet, running over situations in his head. "I guess he didn't believe me," He continued, looking back over at the red-haired girl who gazed back at him expectantly.

"He didn't believe you?"

"He told me to prove it, told me to kiss him." Remus shrugged, she could piece together the rest, she was a bright witch. "Now he won't speak to me." Lily sighed, then chucked humorlessly and shook her head.

"He's a bloody idiot, isn't he?" Lily mused, mostly to herself. 

"The biggest bloody idiot I've ever met, does he think that's just... okay?"

"Course he does! It's Sirius, Remus, if you give him a couple days I'm sure it'll all go back to the way it was yesterday." He hoped she was right.

//

"Sirius, mate, what the bloody hell happened? Remus looked like someone shot his dog, what did you do?" James fretted, tangling his hands in his hair like he always did, making it stand up. "You two were fine yesterday and now you won't look at each other. _What did you do?_ " Sirius patiently folded one of his shirts for the third time as he tried to block James out, but it wasn't working very well.

"What makes you think  _I_ did something?" Sirius wondered. He unfolded the shirt again, smoothing it out so there were no more wrinkles.

"Because I  _know_ you. We're practically brothers, I love you. So tell me, what the fuck did you do? I don't want you two moping again!" Sirius folded in the sleeves of the shirt.

"I don't mope!" He folded the shirt in half.

"Yes, you bloody do! What did you do!"

"Nothing!" He folded the shirt in half again, straightening out the edges.

"Don't lie to me, you know Remus probably told Lily and she'd have to problem telling me." Sirius grabbed the collar of the shirt and shook it out. This time, though, James snatched the shirt out of his hands. "Stop with the shirt!"

"I kissed him, okay! I accused him of loving Lily and... well... when he told me he was gay I told him to prove it by kissing me." Sirius shrugged helplessly and grabbed the shirt back. He shook it out and laid it next to him on the bed. James began pacing in front of him as he folded the shirt again, this time making it as perfect as he could by taking all the time he could.

"Fucking idiot," James muttered to himself. "Let me guess, too scared to talk to him now?" Sirius nodded miserably, finally just tossing the folded shirt on the ground. "You don't have to, you know. Show little signs of affection, as Padfoot or otherwise, make bloody sure he knows you don't hate him. So did you kiss him, or-?"

"He was the one who kissed me. I just asked him to."

"Then take this as the opportunity to be with him again, clearly he isn't against the idea." Sirius twisted the hem of his shirt in his fingertips, frowning.

"I can't hurt him again. I can't lose him again."

"Goddamn it, Sirius," James huffed, finally taking a seat next to his friend. "If he's willing to take you back after what you did I would imagine he's very, very aware of the risks he'd be taking."

"I told him I couldn't blame his dad for wanting him dead," Sirius whispered. James pulled his friend into a tight hug.

"No. I think I did at the time, but a day or so after I said it I realized the severity of it. I was so scared. I could never want him dead."

"And he knows that. He knows you were raised to hate anything that isn't a pure-blooded wizard, he knows."

"I can't take him back, James." He pulled away and frowned slightly. 

"Fine, but  just make sure he knows you don't hate him." Sirius nodded and left James' room, heading back into his. Remus was laying on the bed, his nose buried in a book despite the fact it was noon.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to say. It was a moment of weakness, and I..." He trailed off, finding himself lost in Remus's eyes once he looked up.

"I understand, Sirius, it's okay." Sirius shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Come here." Remus scooted to the sided of the bed, and Sirius laid next to him. They were both dressed, shoes and all, laying on top of the comforter. They had left the Florida idea and decided they'd rather go camping somewhere on the way from here to Tennessee. Remus had done a bit of research and stumbled upon the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, and that was very high on the list.

"Thank you," Sirius mumbled. Remus smiled and said nothing.


	8. Camping with a familiar face

Remus, like the road trip, was the one who had suggested camping. Because weren't you supposed to camp on road trips? Or was that just some wild idea he had? They were driving down to Tennessee now, they'd park the van at the edge of the forest and put a concealment charm on it, then proceed to apparate deep into the forest where they (hopefully) wouldn't be found. They had just entered Kentucky, and like every time they seemed to be on the road, Sirius was scarily affectionate and Remus didn't know how to handle it.

If they hadn't kissed, he would have been fine, but because of that... it changed the situation, how he felt, and everything else. Given, at least Sirius wasn't asleep on his shoulder this time, nor was he singing at the top of his lungs, his arm slung around Remus's shoulder. No, he was sitting very close to Remus, his hand resting on his knee while he talked about his favorite non-magical creatures. Peter was sitting up front with James, so for once, Lily was one in the back, her nose buried in a book.

Remus caught her glancing in their direction many times, and each time she did Remus flared bright red because he felt stupid for being so nervous. He listened to Sirius talk the best he could, which wasn't very well since he was far too busy planning escape routes in his head that all consisted of jumping out of the moving car. After another moment, Remus gathered up whatever courage was left in his body and grabbed the hand that was on his knee, just to hold it, just to keep it warm.

Sirius didn't make any move to acknowledge the fact, but he heard Lily make some noise of realization all the while Remus wondered if jumping out of the car really was a possible option. Remus just held his hand for a while, until Sirius moved his hand away from his, but another second later he laced their fingers together and continued talking. Remus tried not to make any noise, and instead focussed on other things.

Turns out Sirius was fascinated with giraffes.

"Did wizards breed them? Did they just become so popular they took over the muggle world too? Certainly, something like that has magic origins!" Remus fought the urge to sigh again, he'd been at this for at least ten minutes despite the constant reassurance from everyone in the car that  _no_ , giraffes did  _not_ have magical origins. "But are you sure? How are necks that long without magic?" This time Remus did sigh and he fell back onto the mattress, draping his free arm over his eyes.

"I think you broke him," James mused, glancing back at them through the rearview mirror. He felt the mattress sag next to him. Dear Godric, is this how it's going to be from now on? Every time Sirius shows the smallest sign of affection he's going to worry that his heart might pop out of his chest? Remus sucked in a breath and held it, hoping Sirius wouldn't do something too drastic.

"He's not broken," Sirius assured them, jabbing his finger into Remus's cheek. Remus swatted his hand away and glared at him, making Sirius beam. "See, he's fine!" Remus moved his arm from over his eyes and flipped Sirius off, untangling their fingers and rolling over to face the door of the car. He felt Sirius put his hand on his hip, his cold fingers making contact with a small patch of exposed skin. "You're not broken, right Rem?"

"Right," Remus muttered. The fingers on his skin moved slightly until his thumb was rubbing small circles on his hipbone. He allowed himself to relish in the feeling, that's not wrong, is it? Remus didn't think so, just because he used to love Sirius didn't change the fact he was still a friend.

"We should arrive there in five hours," James announced. The rest of them nodded in silent acknowledgment and on they went. James was happily singing to some song on the radio, Pete was eating the snacks up front, and Lily was reading. The last two, however, were both far too aware of the hand that remained on Remus's hip.

Remus was almost beyond positive that he would've fallen asleep if it hadn't been for Sirius's scarily warm hand resting on his hip, his fingers occasionally tracing soft patterns along his skin. Remus laid there for a solid two hours, pretending to be asleep. During that time, he hoped that Lily would talk to Sirius the same way she would talk to Remus about the other. But, to his luck (not), she remained silent.

He would've kept pretending to be asleep if James hadn't stopped to get gas, the closing door 'waking' him up. He stirred slightly and groaned, lifting up a hand to rub his tired eyes. The hand on his hip shifted slightly upward and gave a small, barely noticeable squeeze before it disappeared altogether.

Remus didn't welcome the disappointment that came with it.

In fact, he loathed it.

"Aw, mornin' sleepy head!" Sirius exclaimed. Remus didn't move at first, but once he did it was so he could lift his hand and flip Sirius off. He pulled himself up and stretched his arms high above his head, exposing a small strip of skin above his waist. "How'd you sleep?"

"Fine." Was his reply. His voice cracked slightly, much to his embarrassment. Thankfully, Sirius didn't notice it, but Lily did, he knew she did when she winked at him from behind her book.

"Did you have any good dreams?" Sirius asked suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows as a way to further what he was intending. Remus felt his stomach twist and turn, what did he expect?

"Oh, yeah definitely. I dreamt that James cast a permanent sticking charm on your lips," Remus teased. Sirius huffed indignantly and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting like a child.

"Fine! Then I'm not going to get you anything from inside, I  _was_  going to offer. I, for one, am craving something sweet. Maybe chocolate?" Sirius tapped his chin mockingly before opening the door.

"Wait! If you could please get me a water and some chocolate, that would be really nice."

"Oh yeah? What's in it for me?" Sirius replied, leaning against the open door.

"We'll see," Sirius smirked and shut the door behind him, leaving Remus to sigh in relief. Here it comes, interrogation time. Lily turned to face him after making sure that Peter really was asleep in the front.

"No sleep?"

"No sleep." Lily sighed and shut her book so she could scoot closer to Remus, who looked a bit disoriented. "You know, sometimes I wonder why I used to love him.," Remus sighed, pulled at a stray string on the pillowcase. "And then, other times, I remember so vividly I wonder if I all love him even now, too." Lily set her book off to the side and laid her head in Remus's lap.

"All soulmates, if they really are meant to be, find their way back to each other in the end. Sometimes it takes days, other times weeks or months or years. Just be patient, Moony, your time will come, yours and his." Remus chuckled and shook his head ever so slightly.

"You just called me Moony." Lily grinned up at him.

"Hmm, that I did." The door to the van swung open right at the moment, revealing Sirius, who had a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. Remus shared a confused look with Lily, both thinking the same thing.  _Merlin, what now?_

"Guys, guess who I found!"

" _Who_  you found? Merlin, Sirius, don't you mean  _what_  you found?" Sirius grinned even wider (if they were even physically possible) and shook his head, stepping to the side to reveal a terribly familiar face.  _Marlene_. How'd that happen? How did he find her?  _Why her_?

Her hair was significantly shorter than it was the last time he had seen her. Last time it was nearly down to her waist, now it was cut just above her shoulders. It was dyed so blonde that it appeared white, her eyes were the same piercing blue that they'd always been, her skin just as pale, freckles still dotting her cheeks. Remus felt physically sick. She was just as beautiful as ever, just as beautiful as she'd been the day Sirius asked her to be his girlfriend. Not that it lasted long.

//

_It was late January during their final year at Hogwarts. Remus was sitting out in the Quidditch field, studying for exams while he watched James (and Sirius) practice. James was the seeker for their team this year since their old one had graduated and James was beyond happy, he was beyond happy when he became captain. Plus, Lily appeared to be mildly impressed, which was only an added bonus for James, the two of them seemed to be getting along now._

_Sirius, on the other hand, was a whole different story. Sirius, he had noticed, had taken a liking to Marlene McKinnon, one of Lily's closest friends, if not the closest. James had noticed it as well, and he wasn't too happy about it, neither was Lily. She was convinced it was all some prank on Sirius's part, but the boys' knew it was more of a backup plan. They made a cute couple, Remus had to admit, but they weren't good together._

_Whatever they had wad merely sexual attraction, no feelings involved, but did they know that? Remus assumed they didn't, or if they did he wondered why she accepted to be his girlfriend when he asked her after practice. He caught James' eyes across the common room, he looked pissed while Remus just felt betrayed._

_It was early May when they finally broke it off. Rumors flew, some said it was because Sirius remained too loyal to his friends, others said it was because he cheated. Some even thought Marlene had become pregnant, not many people believed that one, though. According to James, Marlene had simply told him that he was becoming boring. Sirius? Boring? Those two words did not belong in the same sentence._

//

"Marlene," Remus greeted. He was hoping he was being kind enough, he didn't know how to act around her, he didn't like her. There were very, very few people that he knew that he disliked, and somehow Marlene was almost at the top of the very short list. The kind smile she gave him made Remus want to hurl, but instead, he returned it.

"What are you doing here?" Thank Godric Lily wasn't afraid to speak her mind. The fiery-haired girl remained in Remus's lap, seemingly without a care in the world. Thankfully, James was headed back to the van, Remus noticed his hands were filled with chocolate and other sweets. His eyes narrowed when he saw Marlene. He didn't say a word to her when he climbed up front, distributing the various sweet foods he'd gotten for them. 

"Joining you." Remus couldn't deny that Marlene was a sweet girl. He knew Lily wouldn't have associated with her if she wasn't, Lily kept herself surrounded by good people.  But they did have a falling out at some point, at some point they'd all started excluding Marlene, and Remus still didn't know why. No one had ever told him and he'd never thought to ask. He never wanted to, truthfully. But by the looks they were all (even Peter) giving her, it wasn't good.

"And who's idea was that?" James was the one who spoke this time. Marlene turned to face him, the smile slightly faltering. 

"Mine," Sirius replied coolly, slipping an arm around her waist. Remus really did think he was going to be sick. He saw Peter fake a gag out of the corner of his eye, but it went unnoticed by Marlene who had turned back to Lily.

"Don't you want another girl? Isn't it hard being the only girl among four guys?" Lily didn't hesitate, she immediately shook her head.

"No, they're the best friends I could ask for, they're all more loyal than you, anyway. Except for maybe Sirius, here," Lily replied easily, shrugging. Sirius's happy face dropped, and he turned to James for some sort of back up, and then Remus. Remus wasn't going to say anything, he really wasn't, but the look in Sirius's eyes made him rethink that decision.

"Just... let them come. What's the worst that could happen?" Sirius smiled at him, a sincere smile, one that was filled with thankfulness. Nobody said anything more when the two climbed into the van. A moment later, they drove off, and Remus couldn't help but wonder that maybe if he'd said something different he could've prevented Sirius from going inside.

"So, Lily." The red-haired girl turned to face Marlene, who looked slightly uncomfortable. "Are you and James still together, or..." She glanced up at Remus. He snorted his response, did she really think, after everything, that he would date Lily? No, definitely not.

"I'm carrying his baby," Lily told her.

"Remu-"

"No! Merlin, no! James' baby, we're engaged, James and I." The whole van slipped into a silence. Remus looked up front, where James was clearly trying to fight off a nagging smile, but he couldn't seem to succeed. The look on James' face was priceless, he looked so happy.

"James finally worked up the balls to propose?" Peter gasped. Remus figured the shorter boy didn't want it to sound quite rude.

"He didn't," Lily mused. "I did."

"It wasn't proper!" James huffed.

"But we're going to get married there, aren't we?" Lily asked innocently. "If we are, I'd say it was proper enough." James went silent and Remus laughed as Lily proudly settled back down into Remus's lap. He glanced over at Sirius to share the small piece of amusement, but it all disappeared when he noticed Marlene comfortably leaning back into Sirius's chest, his arms protectively wrapped around her.

"It's bullshit," Lily whispered to Remus, nodding her head to Sirius and Marlene. "How did he even find her?"

"I owled her," Sirius piped up. Remus physically felt the pain that brought him.

"Bullshit indeed," Remus whispered back, ignoring the sinking stones inside his stomach.

//

After the had arrived and set up the tents, Sirius and Marlene had retreated into one. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if they had more than one tent. Even wizard tents weren't  _that_ big. James was silently fuming, Lily was trying to calm him down, and Peter was doing his very best to comfort the werewolf. Remus was sitting on a fallen tree, his head buried in his hands while Pete patted his back awkwardly. "It's okay, Remus," Peter assured him. "We'll just sleep out beneath the stars tonight, it's okay." 

"Marlene!" Remus bit suddenly, shooting upwards. He startled poor Peter in the process, almost causing him to trip over a small bush. "Out of  _all_ people, it had to be her!" Remus angrily kicked a patch of dirt and began pacing. "Anyone else would've been fine, but  _no_! It had to be her!"

"I know! Especially after what she did and what she said, how could he go back to her?" Remus stilled to a complete stop. 

"Peter," Remus swallowed thickly. "What exactly did she do?" Peter's eyes widened.

"You don't know?" He shook his head and made his way back over to the fallen tree.

"Know what?" 

"Why they broke up," Peter replied, sitting on the tree next to Remus. "He never told you?" He shook his head.

"James told me it was because Marlene said she'd grown tired of him, that he was becoming boring, but I'm assuming it was more than that." Peter nodded.

"Maybe around two months into their relationship, Marlene said something against werewolves and Sirius flipped his shit. I mean completely, Remus. It was on the night of the full moon, James was out with you. I was in the common room with the two of them, I don't remember exactly what she said, it wasn't as bad as what he said to you, but... I'd never seen him so angry." Peter paused for a moment before continuing. "But she didn't break up with him over that, and he didn't break up with her. They broke it off when Sirius caught her cheating with someone two years younger than they were."

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" This time, Peter hesitated. His friend was never very sure of his words, neither was Remus, but Peter looked like he knew it was something he probably shouldn't say. Or maybe that was Remus's own anxiety.

"James told us not to," Peter admitted. "But don't get mad at him! I wasn't supposed to tell you and I certainly wasn't going to tell you we weren't supposed to tell you, but you deserve to know why the rest of us hate Marlene." 

"Why didn't he want you to tell me?" Peter paused again, fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket.

"We all knew how protective you were of Sirius. Then, now, you always had been, you still are. There's no point in denying it." Remus wasn't going to deny it, he  _was_ protective of Sirius. But then again, he actually cared. He was his best friend alongside James and Peter, they all cared more than Marlene ever would.

"If she hurts him again I'm going to fucking kill her," Remus grumbled, kicking another patch of dirt from where he sat on the tree.

"I'd help you, we all would. We'd do the same for you or James or Lily, well, maybe not Lily. I hope you'd do the same for me," He said, shrugging once. "We're the Marauders, even as we get older that's never going to change." Remus grinned at his friend and hugged him. Peter was the least affectionate Marauder, he never was very fond of hugs or physical affection, but sometimes... 

Peter hugged Remus back.

"Of course we'd do the same for you, Pete. You're a Marauder, just like the rest of us." 

"Thanks, Remus, I need the reassurance sometimes." 

"I know, Pete, now let's go set up where we're going to sleep," Remus suggested. Peter nodded, pulled away, and headed back to James and Lily, both of which were staring at the tent they'd set up in distaste.

"Bitch." Remus snorted at Lily's choice of wording, despite how accurate it was. "She's changed so much since we were younger. When I first met her she could barely say a word without stuttering, and now..." Lily trailed off and shook her head. Remus felt a pang of sympathy for her, losing a friend was never easy, and the way their friendship ended was one of the worst ways possible.

"Maybe you could talk to her about it?" Peter suggested. "You know, try to get her to snap out of it."

"Marlene, as shy and sweet as she was, was also stubborn and hard-headed. She wouldn't listen to a word coming out of my mouth."

"She wouldn't even consider it?" This time Remus spoke. Sirius was the same way, but when given advice or some sort of criticism he'd at least think it over. If he was wrong he wouldn't admit defeat, but he'd silently change what he was doing wrong, he'd change. 

"Probably not."

"Isn't it at least worth trying?" She shook her head again, looking up at Remus.

"She made her bed, and now she has to lay in it."

"Speaking of beds," James piped up. "Shouldn't we make ours?"

//

Thirty minutes later, they had three sleeping bags spread out across a cleared patch of dirt. The sky was now dark and the moon was held heavy in the sky. It was so different here, Remus noted, you could actually see the stars. You could see them at Hogwarts too, but where they had lived after the sky was too clouded with pollution. For a brief, very brief, moment, Remus almost rolled over to tell Sirius to look at the stars with him.

But then Remus remembered he wasn't there.

When in school, they snuck up to the astronomy tower many, many times to look at the stars. It was one of their safe places away from everybody else. He rolled over in his sleeping bag, where James and Lily were sleeping. They were sharing one for warmth, even though it was a warm summer's night. Despite this, though, he was shaking. He didn't know why, but it made it awfully hard to fall asleep.

"Moony?" That was James. His voice made Remus still. He could see James squinting in the dark, clearly trying to find out if Remus was awake. "You asleep?"

"No," He admitted. Maybe a late night talk would James would calm him down, they hadn't had one of those for quite some time.

"Wanna go for a walk?" 

"Sure, let me grab my wand." Remus got up and shuffled through his bag for a moment before he grasped the wooden object. "Lumos. Okay, we can go." James carefully slipped out of his sleeping bag and joined Remus, so they began.

"You doing okay? With Marlene and everything, you and Sirius were getting on so well and then..." 

"Yeah, no I... I'm not... well, I could be doing better." James slung on arm over the werewolf's shoulder and pulled him close, in some sort of bro-hug. 

"Yeah well, Marlene is a bitch. I talked to Sirius, he agreed to try to make things better. Maybe, in some fucked up way, that's what he's trying to do. We know how he can be, take one thing and change it completely." Remus hoped he was right. He hoped that this wasn't because Sirius wanted to show Remus he was completely done, he hoped this wasn't because Sirius realized Remus wasn't good enough.

"I miss him." Everyone knew he did, he'd just avoided saying it. But James... he was always comfortable talking to him.

"I know, Moony. Give him time."

"I've given him plenty. I don't even want to be with him like that anymore, I just want him to stop shutting me out." James sighed and squeezed Remus's shoulder. "Good things come to those who wait, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, something like that."


	9. One last time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first half of this chapter is essentially, uh, sex. Read with caution.

When James and Remus arrived back where everyone else was, Sirius was sitting on Remus's sleeping back, idly smoothing out the wrinkles on his pale pillow. James gave Remus's shoulder one last squeeze of reassurance before slipping back into bed next to Lily. When Sirius saw Remus, his eyes lit up. Remus felt the annoyance from before burn away when he saw how happy Sirius appeared to be when he saw him. The hatred for Marlene and everything she represented was still there, but nothing for Sirius, not anymore. At least, not for now.

The older boy scrambled to his feet and wrapped his arms around Remus, hugging him as tight as he could. He was shocked by the sudden show of affection, to say the least, but he returned it nonetheless. Sirius felt limp in his arms, heavy like Remus was the only thing holding him up. Quite frankly, Remus wouldn't be surprised. He was surprised, however, when Sirius kissed him without a moment of hesitation. Remus pulled away almost instantly, eyes wide, searching Sirius's for any show of emotion.

"Please," Sirius begged. "Rem... one last time, then... then I'll be done." Done with what? " _Please._ I want you, all of you, just one last time." Remus kissed him this time. One last time, one last night, what's the harm in that? Remus would never admit it, not even to himself, but he wanted this just as much as Sirius did, if not more. He wanted to closure, he wanted to know that whatever they had was gone, and after tonight, he could have that.

Hopefully.

"Where?" Remus breathed against Sirius's lips. He pulled away and grabbed his bag, which sat at their feet, and pulled him into the woods. They found a small clearing with trees sagging overhead. Sirius pulled out a couple blankets and draped them across the ground, then cast  _Lumos_  with his wand and set it nearby before tossing his bag to the side and once again pulling Remus into a warm, passionate, and impulsive kiss. Remus stumbled a bit, and almost fell back onto the blankets. Sirius pulled him down anyway, their lips barely parting for more than a moment. 

Sirius used the gasp of surprise from Remus to deepen the kiss, to make it open-mouthed. Remus tangled his fingers in Sirius's long hair that he'd so desperately missed, he missed running his fingers through it and brushing it out of his face and tugging at it, he missed all of him. Sirius had pulled Remus onto his lap, arms wrapped tightly around his waist, holding him as close as he possibly could. Remus couldn't help but smirk, Marlene had nothing on him.

Sirius slipped his hands beneath Remus's shirt and pulled it slightly up, as a show he wanted it off. Remus pulled away and lifted his arms above his head so Sirius could pull it over his head. Remus did the same with Sirius's shirt. Once it was off, Remus couldn't help his gasp of surprise. He'd forgotten how bloody  _perfect_ Sirius was, he had abs and a brilliantly toned chest, and his arms, Merlin, _his arms_. Remus could feel Sirius's eyes on him, too, and he wondered if his new scars bothered the older boy.

"Fucking beautiful," Sirius uttered. Remus smiled shyly, but he didn't have much time because once again their lips were pushed together. He ran his fingernails across Sirius's back, then his chest and his stomach, then his hips. Then Remus pulled away, taking another moment to rake his eyes across Sirius's body because this was the very last time he'd be able to see him like this, a lustful mess, and Remus didn't want that to go to waste, he wouldn't let it. Remus cupped Sirius's face in his hands, running his thumbs across his cheekbones.

He felt Sirius run his hands across his chest, not an inch of him was unexplored by those rough hands. Remus noticed that Sirius had specifically traced over his larger scars. Some new, some old, but Sirius thankfully didn't seem to care. Remus leaned down and kissed the underside of Sirius's jaw, then behind his ear and down his neck, stopping to nip and lick his collarbone. The older boy's breath became slightly more ragged, much to Remus's amusement. He didn't hesitate to leave a couple hickies along the way down to his chest, the bright purplish blue standing out wonderfully against his skin.

He gently pushed Sirius back onto the blanket and slipped down to his nipples. He licked the sensitive flesh, gently running his teeth across them, relishing in the fact Sirius caught his breath in his own attempt to stay quiet. He grabbed either side to Sirius's ribcage as he continued working his way down, making sure to leave bites and marks along the way down. Sirius was finally letting out breathy gasps as Remus licked his navel, slipping his hands downward until they rested on his hips.

"Jesus Christ, Moony," Sirius breathed. "I missed you so much." Remus trailed kisses back up and placed a few more soft kisses on Sirius's lips. Sirius melted at his touch, his lips slightly swollen and red from the constant action. Remus slipped his fingers into the waistband of the older boy's boxers and slid back down one more, licking his hipbones slowly, before biting and sucking a patch of skin, leaving yet another mark.

"I missed you too, Padfoot." He slid his tongue along his v-line, before slowly slipping off his shorts and boxers. Of course, he was already hard. Remus paid no mind to it as he slipped his boxers all the way off, making his way back to his hipbones, trying to get a proper response out of the boy beneath him. "So fucking much."

"Can I say something just for tonight, only for tonight, whether it's true or not?" Remus left one more mark on his hipbone before lifting his head and meeting Sirius's eyes as they gazed down at him, clouded with lust and pleasure. Remus nodded once, giving him the okay before planting a kiss on the inside of his thigh as he waited for whatever Sirius had to say. "I love you." Remus froze. Whatever he was expecting, it certainly wasn't that. "So much, Rem, I love you."  _Whether it's true or not_ , Remus reminded himself.

He resumed what he was doing, kissing and biting and licking his thighs, his hands tightly gripping his hipbones. "I love you too, Pads," He breathed out finally. Sirius pulled Remus back up and kissed him again, feverishly, begging for everything he could possibly give him, drinking him in because this was the very last time he'd get to. "Lube?" Remus panted. Sirius strained to reach his bag, but once he did he tossed it to Remus.

Sirius fumbled with Remus's boxers too before slipping them off so they were both bare, and Sirius flipped the position, this time leaving his own trail of kisses and kitten licks and love bites down Remus's bare body, paying extra attention to the scars that were especially large or deep or long, he knew Remus needed the reassurance.

"Condoms?" Remus wondered, breathless. Sirius looked up at him and gave a small, lopsided grin.

"We've done it without them before, we don't need them for our last time together?" Remus nodded and let his head fall back down onto the blanket. His hair stood on end as Sirius began kissing and marking up his thighs, inside and outside, worshipping them. Finally, Sirius kissed the tip of his dick, before grabbing the lube and coating a couple fingers. "Are you sure, Rem?"

"This is the surest I've ever been in my entire life," He replied, chuckling softly. Sirius entered a finger into Remus, once again leaving soft kisses on the insides of his thighs. Remus moaned and wiggled his hips a bit, trying to get slightly more comfortable. "Another," He begged, so Sirius granted his wish and entered another finger, properly stretching him now. Soon a third was entered, leaving Remus begging for more than just a few fingers inside him.

"Are you absolutely positive?" Sirius asked again.

"Just fuck me, Sirius!" Remus growled. Sirius smirked and got some more lube, coating his dick, before slowly entering the boy writhing beneath him, begging for more. Once he was all the way in, Sirius paused so Remus could gather his bearings through his pants. "Fuck me, please," Remus begged again. Sirius clicked his tongue and shook his head.

"My my, someone's needy."

"God fucking damn it Sirius, get on with it!" Sirius did as Remus wished and began moving his hips slowly, leaving soft kissing on his neck and chest to ease some tension, whispering small phrases of love as he began speeding up. Remus tangled his hands into Sirius's hair and pulled his head to his, crashing their lips together again. "I love you," He moaned int his mouth. "I love you, I love you, I love you..." Remus trailed off and arched his back when Sirius hit his prostate.

"Merlin, Remus," Sirius breathed, letting his head fall against the werewolf's shoulder as he rocked his hips into Remus. One of Sirius's hands found Remus's dick and began stroking him in time with his thrusts, making Remus moan even louder as he neared climax. "I love you too, Moony." That sent Remus over the edge, he cried out as he came, and feeling Remus tighten around him was what sent Sirius over the edge, crying out Remus's name.

They were both a panting, post-coital mess when they finished. Sirius fumbled for his wand and cast a simple charm to clean everything, including themselves. They both pulled on their clothes, preparing to go back to the camp, but they both hesitated, especially Sirius. "I love you, Remus."

"Don't, Sirius," Remus bit. He knew this was going to come, he did. And he also knew that he wasn't prepared to deal with the aftermath, he didn't  _want_  to deal with it, he wanted to live without that knowledge.

"I mean it, Rem."

"I know you do, but... I don't. Not anymore" Remus stood up and walked off in the opposite way of the camp without another word. He'd go back in the morning, he just had to figure out how he planned to face Sirius.

//

Remus arrived back at where they were all staying after everyone had woken up, except Sirius, of course, who was still asleep in the tent. Their sleeping bags were all picked up so only the tent remained, as well as a blanket covering the ground where they all sat, eating the breakfast they had brought. The sight of food immediately made a wave of nausea sweep over Remus at a surprising speed. Lily was the first to notice him, calling out his name. She stood up and hugged him tightly.

"Sirius said he caught you sneaking away last night and James followed up by saying that you'd taken a walk and you needed your space, but I... oh Merlin, I really am a mother!" Lily chuckled and shook her head. Remus pulled out of the hug as shook his head as well.

"I just wanted to get away for a while. Don't worry about me, Lily, I'm a big bad wolf, remember?" She ruffled his hair playfully, laughing again.

"Go get some sleep, Moony!" James called to him.

"I'll be alright, I'm not very tired," He replied. He was pretty sure they all saw straight through that half-assed lie, even Marlene, but they didn't say anything about it. Remus turned to look at Marlene. She was sitting between Peter and Lily, the lesser of five evils, shooting nervous glances towards Remus. He made a point of sitting in between her and Lily, making the blonde jump. Remus narrowed his eyes, was she bloody  _scared_  of him? "If you're so scared of being near a werewolf, maybe you shouldn't have come along!"

"I'm not scared!" She huffed indignantly, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm just... not very comfortable with it, that's all." Remus was a bit hurt by the comment, though he'd never let it show.

"Then leave!" Sirius walked out of the tent before Marlene could manage a reply, so Remus smirked at his victory. Or what he thought was going to be his victory.

"Siri!" Remus almost gagged, he was glad Lily didn't whine like that. In fact, he'd never quite heard a girl above the age of five whine like that. "Remus is being rude!"

"In my defense-" Remus began, but he was quickly cut off my Lily.

"In his defense, she said she wasn't comfortable being around a werewolf," Lily said, shooting metaphorical daggers at Marlene.

"Hmm, then maybe  _Remus_ should be the one to leave," Sirius suggested. Now it was Marlene's turn to smirk at her own victory. James' head snapped towards his best friend, eyes wide. He'd choose that... that  _cow_ over Remus?

"What the fuck, Sirius!" Lily bit. She rarely cursed, but being around the Marauders was sure to change that. "It was his bloody idea, traveling, camping, he's not going to go anywhere!" Sirius shrugged passively and sat on the other side of Marlene, kissing her neck. Remus narrowed his eyes, if Sirius hadn't been using concealment charms, his marked up skin would've dictated just who's he was, and he wasn't Marlene's. Remus had enough senses to cover his, too, since he knew Sirius wouldn't appreciate them being on display.

"No, if he wants me gone maybe I should go. He's proven he doesn't want me here, right Sirius?" Remus turned to look at him. When their eyes met, neither looked away. Remus wanted to know how Sirius would respond to that because if he really, truly didn't want him here, he'd go. Marlene was smirking triumphantly, gazing at Sirius expectantly. They were all looking at Sirius, waiting for his answer.

"After all," Remus continued after a few more seconds of silence. "Who'd miss me, I'm just a pitiful werewolf, right, Padfoot?" Again, Sirius didn't respond. In fact, he'd completely averted his gaze. "What's it going to be, should I stay or should I go?"

"Stay." It wasn't Sirius who spoke, it was James. "If Sirius really wants to choose Marlene over us, let him. But he should know, if he does, he's going to be the one to go, not you, Moony. I don't know what you're trying to gain, Sirius, but if you choose Marlene over Remus, over all of us, you're going to more than Remus, you'll lose me." Marlene stood up and walked into the tent. Remus 6didn't know why, he hoped it was because she was worried Sirius would choose them over her.

"You'll lose me too," Lily told him. They'd had a close off and on friendship, they'd bonded over fucked up siblings and feeling guilty because of it, something the other three couldn't ever relate to.

"And me," Peter's response was barely a squeak. Marlene walked back out of the tent and held out Sirius's bag, eyebrows raised. He took the bag and then her hand, shooting once last glance at Remus before apparating away. Remus gazed at where he had sat, jaw dropped, hurt prickling inside his belly.

He was gone. Sirius had really picked her, Marlene, over the friends that he'd had for nine years. Over James, his brother that didn't share his blood, over the very friend who's welcomed Sirius into his house without a second thought, who'd listen to him talk about shitty prank ideas or relationship struggles, over the friend who'd done every single thing he could for him when his family disowned him. Aside from Remus, James was probably the most hurt.

He'd picked some girl over Peter, the shy, quiet boy who had practically worshipped the ground he walked upon. The boy who had trusted Sirius with things he would never dare tell anyone else because, for some godforsaken reason, he'd trusted Sirius the most. The boy who had dumped a girl because she had briefly insulted Sirius and his brother, the boy who'd brought him food at three in the morning when he'd been disowned.

Over Lily, over the girl who'd actually helped him, the one who'd been there for him. The one who'd helped him with numerous things, the girl who'd listened to him cry when his brother had disowned him, long before his parents did, the one who never really hated him. The one who let Sirius steal her first kiss for the simple fact he was sad and he needed comfort, and that was the best she could do at that moment.

And, he'd picked Marlene over Remus. He still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that, for some reason, she was better than he was. He picked some school fling over the very first person he'd ever loved. Remus didn't know why he wasn't worth it, even after everything he'd done back at school during their relationship he'd taken him back, he;d always had his back, always been his best friend and lover, Remus always would've been had he just accepted the fact he was a werewolf.

"He's gone. He's... he's actually gone." Remus was the one who spoke, his voice thick with both sorrow and disbelief. "As soon as I actually thought everything was going to be okay, he just up and _leaves_?"

"His mind works in mysterious ways, Moony," James whispered.

"Yeah, mysterious ways that, apparently, don't consider how other people might feel about something!" James and Lily shared a glanced, and the latter put her hand on Remus's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Remus..." She whispered, gaining his attention. "What really happened last night?"

"What! N-nothing! I went out for a walk to clear my head," Remus told them.

"Which head?" Peter grumbled, mostly to himself but the others still heard him. Remus sputtered indignantly because the others couldn't find out.

"Remus, a girl can spot a concealment charm from a mile away, Merlin knows we use them all the time. So, are you going to keep lying to me or are you going to tell me?"

"I had a moment of weakness," Remus said finally, shrugging weakly. "Asked me for one last night. I agreed."

"Never, ever agree for one last night!" Peter exclaimed with wide eyes. "It only ends up hurting you both more in the end." Lily and James nodded in sync with what Peter was saying, wordlessly agreeing.

"Is... is it wrong that part of me hoped it wouldn't be the final night?" Lily leaned towards Remus and rested her head on his shoulder, loosely wrapping her arms around him in a half-hug. James crawled across the small space and hugged Remus too. Despite being arguably one of the more optimistic, cheerful of the group of them, that unfortunately meant he also fell the hardest when he did fall.

"No, Remus, of course it's not wrong," Lily mumbled against his shoulder. "I'd feel the same way if it were James, don't feel guilty about missing someone."

"Even someone like Sirius?" Lily sighed again and pulled him closer, dislodging James who still had his arms wrapped around Remus's torso.

"When you fall in love with someone, that someone will always hold a piece of your heart. No matter what they do, no matter how long you're apart, no matter how hard you fall in or out of love, a piece of them will always be buried within you. No matter how deep, how small, it will always be there."

"You should be a writer, Lils," Peter told her. The witch laughed and sat up, pulling away from Remus before laying back down, this time her head in James lap.

"Right, what would I write?"

"Words?" Peter replied, seemingly without a second thought. Lily grinned over at him, shaking her head in amusement.

"Sure, Pete, one day I'll write something with words, and it will be beautiful." Remus didn't doubt it, Lily always did have a way with words, a book beneath her belt would be wonderful. He smiled to himself, he just hoped she followed through.


	10. Bros before hoes, right? Wrong

They left the Smoky Mountains a week later, they had stayed longer than originally anticipated, but the distance did better for all four of them, and for their friendship. They had all felt a little bit more empty since Sirius left, none of them had expected it to end so abruptly, nor the way it did. Remus always thought that Sirius would meet some biker and marry him, join some gang or something, he certainly did not the the head-strong man getting whisked off by some prissy girl who didn't know what the word 'no' meant.

He also noticed how they had all attuned to his needs, they were careful with their words as if they were scared he was going to break. He's already broken, he didn't know how it could get much worse, but he never did call them out on it, he just let them tiptoe around him. Well, only James and Peter did that, Lily was still the same old Lily. Remus had thought it weird for a while, but one day a couple days after they'd joined the living world again, an old couple had asked if they were together. Lily had simply laughed and told them he was his brother.

Remus hadn't felt that happy in months.

"Brother?" He'd asked her. He had to make sure she wasn't just saying it to fool the old couple, or to get them off her back or anything like that. She'd laughed at him and slung a freckled arm across his shoulders, ruffling up his mop of hair.

"Of course. I've always wanted a brother and you're the only one who I can protect and who can protect me in return. We're practically twins!" Remus hadn't felt awkward around Lily since that day. He was as gay as gay could be, but at points he'd wondered if she possibly liked him, but after that he had no more doubts.

They were in the middle of Illinois, Effingham, specifically, when Lily popped the question. Well, not the question, but a very important one. James had insisted they all go to lunch at the infamous Denny's, a food chain that had yet to arrive in their home country. Peter was almost as excited as James was to eat there, claiming it was the best breakfast food in America. Lily disagreed almost instantly, claiming it had to be Waffle House.

It was one of many domestic arguments they all had while on the road. They debated which fast food joint had the most unhealthy foods, or the most healthy. If a jaguar or a panther would win in a fight, and other small debates like that. Remus almost turned to Sirius numerous times before he realized that his first love and best friend was no longer with them, he wondered if he'd ever get used to the idea. No, he knew he wouldn't. Sirius was such a big part of his, of all their lives, none of them would ever really get used to the fact he was gone.

While they were eating at that Denny's in Effingham, Illinois, Lily had pulled Remus aside, away from James and Peter, and asked him if he'd do her the honor of being the baby's godfather. Remus had broken down into tears, he hadn't expected Lily to ask that, not in a million years would he have expected that. He nodded rapidly, assuring Lily over and over that he'd be the best godfather he could possibly to her baby boy once he was born.

"I haven't cleared it with James yet, but he wanted to ask Sirius. I'm glad I made him wait, because I would choose you over him any day." Remus hugged Lily after she had said that, he was convinced he'd never had someone love him that much, not even Sirius.

"You're the best sister I ever could've asked for," He muttered. She playfully swatted his shoulder and laughed her own tears back.

"You can't say things like that! I'm a pregnant women, everything is going to make me cry!" They laughed again, and that's how James ended up finding them. Laughing about small nothings while they cried over nothing. 

"Every single day I wonder more and more if when I marry Lily I'm going to end up marrying you, too," James sighed, looking down at Remus as he feigned disappointment. 

"You probably are," Lily agreed. Remus elbowed her gently, grinning widely.

"Shh, you don't want him to know that!" Remus whispered.

"Truth be told, you guys are probably going to be stuck with the both of us," Peter said. Remus didn't bother arguing, it was true. Remus hadn't thought much of a future without Sirius and he wasn't ready to plan for it just yet.

"That's not bad, you're both my best friends and I wouldn't trade you for anything. Except for James. Or my baby, but other than that you two will always come first." Remus once again felt filled with a warmth he had felt many times before, but now he was finally able to identify it, he was finally able to put a name to it.

Family.

He'd felt it bubbling up inside his chest whenever he was around his best friends. Whenever Peter fell asleep on the drive to a new location and James handed him a marker with a smug grin. Whenever Lily laid on his lap and slept while James jokingly complained that his fiance was having an affair with his gay werewolf friend, making Peter laugh loudly, only to wake up the aforementioned fiance. Whenever he sat up front reading and James thought it would be funny to slam on the breaks, tossing him forward. Or whenever Lily talked about the baby like it was all of theirs, not just hers and James'.

The only person in this makeshift family of theirs that had a proper one was James, he was the only one who knew how a true family felt, the love and support of parents behind him, no fear of making the wrong move, no wondering if he might not get fed that night. Lily was a close second, her parents were happy to have a witch in the family, but they were also very wary, and her sister hated her. Peter's family died when he was young, leaving him with his border-line abusive uncle, and Remus, well, he was a werewolf. His mother was dead, father wasn't a good man.

"I love you guys," Remus told them. He'd never exactly claimed he loved them, none of them really had, it was just unspoken knowledge. They all grinned at him, before James started laughing. "What?"

"You're gonna be the gay uncle. Everyone has a gay uncle, one that has glasses and wears sweaters and travels and can't keep his nose out of a book." Peter laughed loudly, he never could suppress his laughter. "Peter, you'd be the loud uncle that spoils the child rotten and stays single this whole life, travelling around the world. And Sirius..." He trailed off, frowning deeply.

"We all have the uncle that's an utter disappointment. Sleeps around, drinks, smokes," Lily listed on, but Remus tuned her out. As much as he love Lily, he still didn't like to listen to people talk bad about Sirius. He knew if he hadn't slept with Sirius that night he'd still be around. Or... no, he wouldn't. If he hadn't spoken to Marlene he'd still be around, if it weren't for her... Remus didn't know it was possible to hate someone as much as he hated Marlene.

"Well," James interjected, clapping his hands together. "Now that we've eaten should we continue on our way to Missouri?" They all agreed with a nod of their heads and left the restaurant once they paid and climbed into the back of the van, Lily in the front with Peter in the passenger side with Remus and James sat in the back.

"I kinda miss the music," Remus admitted. "Not so much the obnoxious singing, just... something to fill the silence." 

"That," Lily began, scooting forward and pressing a button up front, before settling back down next to Remus as music filled the car. "That is what radios are for." Remus grinned while Lily climbed into his lap. He placed his hands protectively on her belly, which was now visible. She now looked pregnant, she had before but everyday it seemed her stomach grew. She was five months pregnant now, which meant she could technically start to feel the baby kick any day now.

"Do you still want to live together when we go back home?" Peter asked the question. Remus didn't feel it was his place to answer. He'd love to, of course, he wasn't quite ready to be on his own, but he wasn't the one expecting a baby, he wasn't the one getting married.

"As long as it's in a bigger house," Lily replied with a cheeky grin. James laughed and Peter laughed and Remus slouched in relief, he was glad they were all so laid back, so tightly-knit, they were the best friends Remus ever could've asked for. 

"Have you thought about baby names yet?" Remus wondered aloud. James nodded from the front seat.

"Kind of, all we know is we want James to be his middle name, we still haven't decided on a first name. Well, actually-" 

"No, James, we're not naming our child Pronglet," Lily sighed. Remus snorted, he should've known James would come up with some stupid name like that. "Or any play off Prongs, it's going to be an actually human name, not some weird play on words." James pouted but said nothing more. "Anyway, I like the name Leo but James shot it down because constellations and stars are the Black's tradition."

"Leo James Potter. It does sound nice," Remus agreed with a nod. 

"I also like Ethan, but James said it sounds too boring and typical, so that one's off the table, too." Ethan didn't sound as good as Leo did, but Remus didn't voice that opinion.

"I like Harry. It was the name of the dog my parents had when I was a little, he died along with my parents," Peter suggested.

"Harry... I like it," Lily responded. Remus nodded in agreement.

"I like it too, but we still have four months, let's not settle for a name right now."

//

They arrived at their destination two hours later, a hotel in the middle of St. Louis, Missouri. They hauled their things up to their rooms and changed their clothes. Remus wanted to go out for the night and no one was very keen on letting him go out alone, Merlin knows what he'd do if he was by himself. Peter was going to go, but then Lily decided she didn't want to go out seeing as she was pregnant. James had instantly volunteered to stay, but Peter explained how much better it would be if James went with Remus. 

So he did.

"I want a meaningless one night stand, you know?" Remus sighed, and so did James. He knew how his friend thought, despite being one of the smartest of the bunch he was also, in some capacity, the least rational. "I wonder if there are any gay bars around here?"

"Moony, Remus, I don't think that's such a wise idea," James told him.

"It's probably not," He agreed, "But my last time was with Sirius, and I don't... I want someone else tainting me, not him. He said he loved me, you know."

"He what now?" James sputtered. Sirius was certainly unwise, but that was downright stupid. Why in the world would he actually say that? James could see how Sirius felt, or at least he thought he could, he never expected him to actually do or say anything.

"Yeah. When we were... er, fucking, he said it and I said it back because it was a heat of the moment thing. Afterward, he said he had meant it and I told him I didn't. I can't help but wonder if I had said something different if he would've stayed." James placed a hand on his friend's shoulder and gave him a small, sympathetic smile.

"Maybe, but you can't blame this on yourself, Moony, it's not your fault." Remus smiled and placed a sloppy kiss on James' cheek, grinning when he wiped at his cheek in disgust.

"Thanks, Prongs."

"Remus why, why in the world would you do that?" 

"For that exact reaction. Now come on, let's go find a gay bar." Remus grabbed James' wrist and pulled him into the nearest bar to ask for directions. Turns out, there was one just a few blocks away. Remus thanked the young bartender and hurried out, not once letting go of James' wrist.

"I hate you. Guys are going to flirt with me!" He whined.

"You are such a prat. Suck it up, just tell them you're taken. Or you're trying to be a wingman for me, point the cute ones in my direction." James sighed and pulled his hand free from the werewolf's tight grip, falling into step next to him.

"I can't believe that me, a straight man, is going to be a wingman for my gay best friend. This is friendship, I hate you." 

"Love you too, antler boy." It was nearing nine at night, so the bar was rather busy when they entered. The music was loud, the lights were flashing, and it was the perfect atmosphere for Remus, he'd needed this. "You do whatever straight guys do and I'll sit here and look pretty, if a cute guy flirts with you point him my way."

"Remind me again why I'm doing this?"

"Because my ex left me for some girl who probably doesn't know her right from her left." James shrugged and took a seat at the bar a few feet away from Remus, just close enough to keep his on him. As much as he loved Remus, he didn't trust him in situations like this one. Desperate Remus was an unpredictable Remus, and those two things did not go very well together.

It really didn't take long for some guy to buy Remus a drink and chat him up. James just awkward sat there, thanking Merlin that no guy had taken an interest in him. But it wasn't long before some girl sat next to him, placing a beer in front of him. "What's a straight wizard like you doing in a bar like this one?"

"I'm not a wi-"

"Don't lie to me, I can't see your wand poking out of your pocket. You might want to fix that." James shoved his hand into his pocket and made sure his wand was no longer showing before smiling sheepishly. "Where'd you go? For your schooling?"

"Hogwarts, I would assume you went to the one in America?"

"Ilvermorny, yes," She confirmed. "Drink your beer, I didn't taint it. I'm Celia, what was your Hogwarts house?"

"James, my house was Gryffindor," He replied. He picked up the beer and swirled it around in the cup before taking a drink.

"I was in Thunderbird. What brings you to a gay bar in St. Louis?"

"Well, my friends and I all decided we wanted to go on a road trip across America and this was one of the places we wanted to visit. My friend," He motioned over to Remus, "Wanted some meaningless sex and I didn't trust him to go on his own."

"How funny, my friend's the one he's taken an interest in. He's after the same thing, Lance is, so don't worry about it, they'll both get what they want. You single?" He shook his head.

"Engaged, actually."

"Congratulations!" She exclaimed. "Getting married young is risky."

"I loved her before I even knew what love was." She grinned and playfully punched his shoulder.

"You lucky dog!" James grinned sheepishly and shrugged it away. He'd never thought much of it, but she was right. Meeting the one you want to grow old with while he was so young, it was somewhat of a blessing. No, he mused, meeting Lily was a blessing all in itself.

"Yeah, we're pregnant. Well, she's pregnant, I just helped her become pregnant. Well, you know, I just, it wasn't on purpose, it was an accident. We're young, you know, but-" James would've kept rambling on if Celia hadn't stopped him.

"I get it, don't stress. I myself am I very single lesbian desperate for some action," She told him dramatically, pretending to faint. James laughed and rolled his eyes, shooting a glance back at where Remus sat, laughing at something Lance had told him.

"Lance... he's a good guy, isn't it?" Celia seemed to sober up at the question and she shot a glance at where he sat.

"Interesting. He's into some sketchy business but if your friend is only looking for a one night stand, he'll be fine. As long as it's not prolonged."

"Then... are you...?"

"Am I into it too? Because I'm his friend?" James nodded nervously. "No, the opportunity presented itself and I was wrapped up in it for a little, but I made it clear to Lance that if he wants my friendship he has to keep me out of it," She explained.

"Can I ask what he does?"

"Probably not, but will that stop me from telling you? Probably not," She sighed and looked back at Lance before leaning in closer to James. "He's involved with both the wizarding and the no-maj black market. It's... it's far from legal. Drugs, wizarding plants, dragon eggs, other illegal creatures."

"No-maj?"

"Muggle."

"That's not... awful," James replied. She leaned back and shrugged.

"And organs."

"What?"

"Human organs. It... it's awful but... it keeps the bills paid." James sat back in his own seat, eyes wide.

"Human... human organs. He sells them?"

"And makes damn good money doing it, too," Celia confirmed. 

"Merlin's balls." She snorted into her drink and finished it off. "Shouldn't you, you know, not tell me these things? If anyone heard... and you just met me." 

"We don't get many wizards around this area and most tourists that are, in fact, wizards, fall for whatever he does, I thought I should give you a heads up. I love him to pieces and he's a great guy he's just... dangerous. Let your friend have his fun with him for tonight, just keep your eye on him, all right?"

"What?" 

"Lance knows the rule, no bringing people home. He'll be in your hotel room, just keep your eye on them and you'll be fine."

"Fuck, am I supposed to watch them have sex? I don't..."

"Look, if it makes you feel any better I can tell Lance we have to go, that he doesn't have time for sleeping with someone tonight," She offered. James could hide the relief that swept over his body.

"Would you? That would be amazing. I don't mean to be rude, I just..." She grinned at him and shook her head, hopping off the chair she was sitting it.

"I get it, don't stress. I hope your friend finds someone else tonight, he's certainly kept Lance talking longer than he usually talks, so he must have a good personality."

"He does," James agreed. 

"Also, if anyone finds out and he's arrested or almost arrested, I'll know who told, and he'll be selling your organs next. Oh right, and the wizarding world would be exposed, so I recommend you keep your mouth shut because your head will be on a silver platter." She smiled and walked towards her friend. James didn't trust her for a second, he didn't trust either of them. They looked like a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde. Celia and Lance, it almost had the same ring to it. James looked down at his drink, hoping that she hadn't put anything in it. He hadn't even suspected it until she assured him that she hadn't, that's when it started going downhill. So pretty early on.

After Lance and Celia had left (but not before she told him goodbye) James had persuaded Remus to leave, too. He had whined and protested it for a bit, but James managed to get him out. Remus needed to be held up, it took a lot out of James to drag his friend back to their hotel. He was incredibly drunk, which was odd considering Remus had only had one and a half drinks, small drinks, at that.

"Remus, you've got to help me here." The elevator in the hotel they were staying at was out of order and their rooms were on the second floor, and James couldn't possibly drag Remus up those stairs. James glanced around and pulled out his wand so he could cast a quick lightening charm before hauling his friend up the two flights of stars.

Once he entered their room, Lily was at his side helping get Remus into bed. "What the bloody hell happened?" She asked. Lily was helping him take his shoes off as she asked the question, trying to get him free of clothes before letting him sleep in their bed. Though, he was practically asleep already. James had brought him into his and Lily's room, he didn't want Peter to worry.

"I met this girl and apparently her friend sells organs on the black market. And that friend of hers happened to be the person Remus decided he wanted to sleep with, and I think he might've slipped something into Remus's drink." Lily sighed and slipped off his jeans before doing her best to get him into bed and under the covers. "I was worried something like this was going to happen."

"Maybe you're a seer," Lily joked weakly. "Are you sure it wasn't some joke?"

"I'm sure, the look on her face was... it was unnerving." Lily walked over to James and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I really hope we don't have to deal with them again," Lily whispered.

"We won't, we're leaving here in the morning. I don't want to risk staying here any longer, especially not when I have you and our baby to worry about." Lily tilted her chin up so she could bury her face into James' neck, smiling shyly. 

"Merlin, James, I can't believe I ever thought you were some arrogant prat who thought of everyone lower than himself. Well, yes I can, but you're also the sweetest man I've ever had the pleasure of meeting." James wrapped his arms around Lily and buried his nose in her hair, smiling just as much as she was. Soulmates existed, he was sure. He was sure because he was holding his soulmate in his arms, the women he knew he was forever meant to be with.

"I love you, Lily."

"I love you too, James."

"Forever?"

"Of course James, forever and even on after that, until there is nothing left but us."

"Through sickness and health?"

"Yes, James."

"Til death do us part?" Lily chuckled and pulled away, looking up at her fiance with playful eyes.

"Wedding vows?"

"C'mon, til death do us part?" She rolled her eyes and leaned into his chest once again, slowly nodding.

"Til death do us part."

"I now pronounce us even more prepared for our wedding." 

"Merlin, you're an idiot." James grinned and pulled away, looking down at his future wife with sparkling eyes.

"Yeah, but I'm your idiot, right?"

"Yes James, my idiot."


	11. Gone

Lily and James slept together on the floor that night, leaving the bed for a drugged Remus to sleep on. James had his arms wrapped protectively around Lily, his hand cradling her stomach as she slept. James didn't sleep much that night, he was still going back and forth, debating whether or not he should report what those people were doing. Surely... surely he should? He would if it was just his life on the line, but it was Lily's and his child's life too, he couldn't risk it. He'd do anything to keep them safe. 

 _Wizard or not,_  he thought to himself, pulling Lily closer to his chest.  _I can't protect myself from everything_. He kept wondering, thinking, because just like muggles, wizards could be deceiving, too. And why would she tell him something like that in the first place? Surely she knew the risks she was taking? Did she have an ulterior motive? Probably, if she didn't she wouldn't have said anything, right? That's how those kinds of things worked, he'd watched too many muggle movies with Sirius to think otherwise.

After many, many hours of sleepless debate with himself, he heard a knock on the door and a sleepy groan. James slowly untangled himself from Lily and opened the door, revealing a scared looking Peter. "I waited for you guys and fell asleep and when I woke up Remus still wasn't there so I got worried, and thought I'd come see what was going on." James felt a pang of guilt. He'd planned to tell Peter what was going on but he was asleep when he'd peeked in and thought he should let him sleep.

"Sorry, you were asleep when I came to tell you. Come on." Peter hurried inside and sat on the bed where Remus was now starting to wake up. "Someone slipped something into his drink," James told Peter. The smaller boy's eyes widened, horror slipping across his face.

"He was roofied?" Peter gasped.

"Yes, Pete. It's a long story but we're leaving here first thing in the morning because it's not safe here. Once Remus wakes up I'll tell you both, I already told Lily," James explained, sitting on the floor in front of the bed. He hoped they didn't wake Lily, she needed all the sleep she was given, after all being pregnant must be very exhausting.

"I'm awake." That reply came from Remus, thankfully, versus Lily. "What the bloody hell happened? I feel like I was hit by a truck." James scrambled back to his feet and sat on the bed, next to both Peter and Remus.

"How much do you remember?" James asked.

"I remember going to a bar, meeting this guy... I can't remember much after that. How drunk did I get?"

"Someone slipped something into one of your drinks, you hardly drank anything at all." The werewolf's eyes widened just like Peter's had. "The man you spoke too was into some illegal stuff, I talked to his friend. He sells drugs and wizarding items on the black market, as well as... well, human organs. I can't report it because I think he has a rather large following and if I did, they'd find out and everyone who knows us would be in danger." 

"Are you sure it wasn't a bluff?" James hesitated for a minute. Because he was one hundred percent sure but he didn't want to worry his friends, so he didn't say anything. At least, not at first, he was too focussed on a stray string on the hem of his shorts. "Prongs?"

"Yeah, pretty damn sure. The look on her face said all I needed to know about it. I still wasn't one hundred percent sure but after dragging you back here while you were completely out of it, I kind of put two and two together." Remus felt his palms grow moist with sweat, and a chill ran down his spine. 

"I mentioned my ex, Sirius," Remus began slowly, his voice shaky. "Said he left me for some girl named Marlene. Which isn't technically true, but as a werewolf I can't... anyway, he asked if her last name was McKinnon by any chance, and I said yes. He said he worked with her... oh Merlin, what if Sirius is in trouble?" 

"Remu-"

"No! I can't risk it, Merlin knows he's a sodding idiot, but... I can't let him get wrapped up in that kind of business." James sucked in a breath and looked over at a sleeping Lily and a scared Peter, before looking back at his wide-eyed friend.

"I can't let you do whatever you're going to do alone," James decided, "Peter, you don't hav-"

"I want to help!" Peter yelped indignantly. "I'm not completely helpless, you know."

"Of course we know, Pete, but we want you to be safe. We're not saying you can't take care of yourself, but this shouldn't be your fight," Remus told him gently. "But if you really want to help, you can. But don't feel obligated."

"I could stay with Lily, there's no way James would let her go," Peter suggested.

"Damn right she's not going, I have to keep her safe."

"Are you sure taking matters into your own hands is such a good idea?" James and Remus shared a knowing glance. Peter was right, it wasn't a good idea, but it wouldn't stop them. No matter how fucking stupid Sirius Black was, they were not going to give up on him. No matter what he did or what he said, he'd always have a friend in James Potter and Remus Lupin.

"No, but we're going." Remus slung his legs to the side of the bed and stood up, stretching his arms. 

"What?  _Now?_ " James sputtered, scrambling to his feet and pulling Remus away from his sleeping fiancee. "Look, the full moon is two nights away and if we get captured I don't think they'd appreciate a ravaging werewolf raiding their stores." 

"Yeah well, if I chew on people who think organ trafficking is a good idea, so be it." Remus tugged on the pants on he had worn earlier that night.

"I don't think chewing on anyone is a good idea, Remus," Peter piped up nervously. "I don't think leaving now is a good idea either."

"Nor do I," James agreed, gently grabbing his friends wrists to prevent him from putting any more clothes on. "Moony, wait. Please think this through."

"No! The rational side of my brain will keep me from going."

"I think that's a good thing."

"Wormtail's right," James said, leading Remus back to the bed and sitting him down. Remus slumped down and buried his face in his hands, taking deep, shaking breaths. "Rem, breathe."  _Breathe,_  he told himself again. Then,  _Rem_ , that name was reserved for Sirius. But it was okay, it was James.

"What if he's not safe?" Remus whispered. James rubbing Remus's back and gave him a weak smile, he didn't have an answer to that specific question.

"How are you planning to find him, anyway? Lance?" Just like the previous question, no one had an answer for this one either. Remus drew in another unsure breath and lifted his head.

"Can we just go back to the bar?" Remus asked. James slumped back and nodded, there was no point in arguing. 

"Sure." Remus looked over at James. He hadn't expected such an easy defeat. "Lily, if you're pretending, now would be a good time to wake up." They all paused and waited for any movement, but it never came. "Pretty sure she's still asleep."

"Now? We're going... now?" James nodded once and tugged some proper pants on, then his shoes.

"Now or never, right Moony?" 

"I guess so." And they left. They left the hotel, wands protectively (and discreetly) grasped in their hands. The night was still alive with life, people still walking through the dimly lit streets. Remus was still dazed from the drug being slipped into his drink, not that he'd admit that to James because he'd insist they turn right back around because if Sirius is in trouble, it's his own fault.

"If you see Lance, what exactly do you plan on doing?" James wondered. Remus shrugged and opened the door to the bar, casting a worried glance behind him before he entered. 

"Put a tracking charm on me."

"What?"

"Prongs, please. A tracking charm." James pulled Remus away to the bathroom, pleased to see it was empty before granting his request. Remus felt the momentary tingle as the charm settled upon him, and he adjusted himself. "Right, so if I see him I'll approach him and flirt like I was before. Nothing different, I'm going to talk him into taking me back to his place. Okay?"

"I don't like this Remus," James began, but he didn't let him continue.

"I knew you wouldn't, but to potentially save the lives of multiple people, it's worth it, isn't it?" Remus knew by the look on James' face that he agreed, he just didn't say anything. "James, just follow me after I leave with him, that's what the tracking charm is for. Actually, stay in the bathroom and watch me, if I leave, follow." James hesitated for a moment, but finally pulled Remus in for a tight hug.

"Stay safe." 

"Well, it's not like I'm planning to get killed, but if I-"

"No!" James bit. "You're not going to die you bloody asshole. I promise you'll be safe." Remus planted a kiss on James' cheek before heading into the midst of everything and sitting at the bar in the same place he sat before. He really didn't know what he expected, rushing into things headfirst was something Sirius always did, he never did that, he was the one to stop him. Maybe all that time spent with his ex-lover was finally starting to rub off on him.

And what are the odds he'd even show up again? What in Merlin's name was he thinking? He was wearing untied shoes and a messy, wrinkled button-up shirt he'd been sleeping in maybe thirty minutes earlier. He'd left a hotel at two in the morning after being drugged, hoping to run into the guy who drugged him and worked with organ trafficking just so he could potentially save the very man who once told him he'd be better off dead.

Great, just... that's just great.

"I've never seen you here before." Remus turned his head and saw a new face staring back at him, an attractive man, at that. Looked a bit like Sirius, but also completely different. "Okay that's not true, I saw you talking to Lance earlier."

"Yeah, one of his friends dragged him away, I'm kind of hoping he'll show up again," Remus said sheepishly. The man took a seat next to Remus and leaned in closer.  _Oh, Merlin,_  Remus thought to himself,  _does this guy know him too? Is this bigger than we all thought?_

"Lance is into some risky business, boy," The man whispered.

"So I've been told," Remus said bitterly, "It's no big deal."

"I can take you to him if you're up for it." Remus nodded once and stood up.

"Can I go to the bathroom first?" 

"Straight to Lance or not at all." Remus dipped his head and nodded, following the attractive man out of the bar. "He mentioned meeting someone... some wolf name or something like that."

"Remus," He replied without a second thought. 

"Yeah, that's it." Remus didn't say anything else and cast a brief glance behind him, relieved to see James casually leaving the bar behind him.

"What's yours?"

"Gus. He told me you're a wizard?" Remus nodded. Gus stopped and walked into an alley, snaked an arm around Remus's waist, and apparated away. James saw the scene unfold before him and he swore loudly, slipping into the alley they were previously in the check Remus's location. It was uncharted, much like Hogwarts was. James let out a frustrated shout and kicked a can into the alley wall. 

He had promised to keep Remus safe and he couldn't even do that, how was he supposed to be a father if he couldn't even keep track of his grown friend. James slunk down onto the floor of the alley, his breath coming out in rapid gasps before he let out a strangled cry. He sat there for a moment, wracking his brain for ideas on how to find Remus because he'd be damned if he didn't try. 

He could go report it to the wizard authorities because surely they weren't that hard to find? Were they? Letting Remus do this was one of the most irresponsible things that James had ever done and he knew it, he also knew that taking this into his own hands was stupid, he should've left like he had originally planned. He shouldn't have told Remus or Peter or even Lily, he should've kept it to himself and they would've got out of here without a scratch.

He knew Sirius could take care of himself, maybe it was the desperation in Remus's eyes that made him feel guilty. He didn't know, but he certainly regretted it. After a moment more of feeling sorry for himself, he got up to shaky feet and went back to the bar. Surely if that was one of Lance's people there were more? Would he just send one? Of this was as big as his brain was making it out to be then there were definitely more people of his there.

But... maybe he was blowing this out of proportion? Maybe this was all some elaborate jokes the wizards here played on others, it would be sick and cruel but... better than the real thing, nonetheless. James sat on the barstool that Remus had and glanced around. Even if this was a joke, he at least deserved to make sure Remus was safe and in good hands. A moment later, the bartender slid him a drink, tilting his head to the guy who sat a few feet away.

He could flirt with a guy. He and Sirius used to jokingly flirt all the time, this was the same but... only one half thought of it as a joke.

James motioned to the seat next to him, inviting the man across the bar to come sit with him. James glanced at the drink, he had watched the bartender make it and nothing unusual had been put into it. Against his better judgment, he took a large drink, throwing caution to the wind. "Thanks for the drink." The man sat next to him and grinned.

"You're welcome. I'm Arlo, and you are?" James did his best to return the grin. 

"James." He took another, a smaller sip of the drink that Arlo had bought him.

"I hope I'm not coming on too strong, but you're super attractive." James winked at him and lifted the glass to his lips.

"As are you." James took another drink. If there were drugs in his drink it would take, depending on how much or which one, around fifteen minutes, maybe longer if he was lucky.

"So what brings you here this fine night?" James swirled the last remaining alcohol around his glass before responding.

"I was meeting a friend but he hasn't shown up," James told him, downing the last of his drink. 

"Oh? Friend, or..."

"No, just a friend," James assured him. "Name's Lance, any idea where I can find him?"

"Not a clue. I have heard of him, though, he comes here often," Arlo told him. James nodded. He'd figured as much, but just how often is often? "But... I do know a friend of his if you're interested."

"What's their name?"

"Celia. I think she's his girlfriend," He told James. "I think I've got a pen..." Arlo checked his jean pockets, then his jacket pockets, and pulled out a ball-point pen and scribbled two numbers onto a stray napkin that his drink sat on. "Top one is my number, the bottom one is hers. I hope to be hearing from you." He handed James the napkin and winked before rejoining his friends at a pool table.

"Brilliant," James muttered. "It had to be her." He slipped off the chair he sat on and walked outside, the warm summer wind feeling like a breath of freedom before he willingly did something he knew he was going to regret. He wandered around about, looking for a payphone. He was glad muggles still had them around, seeing as how he or the rest of his friends didn't have phones.

" _Hello?_ " James internally hit himself, was this a good idea?

"Hey, Celia, it's James," He greeted pleasantly.

"Oh, did you talk to Arlo? Said he'd given someone my number, what a nice surprise. Is this about Remus? He won't be harmed anytime soon, Lance has taken a liking to your little werewolf, he's eager to see one transformed. Don't worry, Jim."

"Yes, well, after what you told me earlier I can't help but be worried," James spat, earning a suspicious glance from a stranger walking passed. "And because there was something in his drink."

"Hmm, yes. Surprised you noticed, Rohypnol, the most common date rape drug, and the most effective," She mused. "Well, he's safe with us." And then the line went dead. James hung the phone up and resisted the urge to do something out of the frustration and anxiety that had built up inside him. The sun was already peaking up over the horizon, turning the sky brilliant shades of gold. He needed to get back to the hotel, back to Lily and Peter.

He walked back to the hotel and slipped inside and walked up the two flights of stairs and then into his hotel room, where Lily was standing with her hand on her hip and an accusing finger pointed at a cowering Peter. Once she heard the door open the spun around, and that accusing finger had found a new victim. "Where were you!"

"Well... at the bar. Remus said the man he spoke to last night knew Marlene and he got it in his head that Sirius was in danger," He explained, running a hand through his messy hair. "I tried to stop him but it was no use, I thought... I thought going with him would be safer."

"Merlin, I thought Remus wasn't the type to rush into things like that."

"Uh, James, speaking of him, where is Remus?" Peter asked. James deflated and all but collapsed on the bed. Lily sat next to him and rubbing his back soothingly.

"I don't know. I put a tracking charm on him so I could find him... some guy apparated away with him and they're somewhere that a tracking charm won't tell us." Lily held out her palm.

"Wand."

"What?"

"Give me your wand, you bloody idiot. Don't you remember that stupid map you made? If you use the same wand and cast the same charm you put on Remus on a piece of paper it will give you coordinates, I didn't know you were that helpless." James gave her his wand and she grabbed a piece of paper, reciting the incantation before tossing it at James.

"That's where he is."

"I can't read coordinates!"

"I can't either, but it wouldn't be hard to figure out where it is."

"Would you do it."

"For Remus? Of course, I will, James."


	12. Sirius?

Remus didn't know exactly what happened after he apparated. It was pain and then a big pit of darkness, nothing within it. He woke up on a floor, a concrete floor. His head was still throbbing, and he could seem to open his eyes. Of course, he could, but it hurt to do it. He felt his pockets for his wand but it was gone. He should've expected as much, if you're kidnapped by other wizards then expect your wand to be stolen.

He wasn't too motivated to do anything until he felt a hand touch his shoulder, then his eyes shot open and he looked up at the person who had touched him. The familiar face made Remus feel a million more emotions and breathe a small sigh of relief.  _Sirius._  He wasn't completely out of it, was he? Was Sirius some sort of hallucination his brain had made up because he'd been struck over the head?

"Siri?" Remus croaked. The boy nodded. He had a black eye and a bruised cheekbone, along with a bit of dried blood on his lip. "I'm sorry about your face."

"Ah- that bad, huh?" Remus nodded and managed to sit up, leaning heavily on Sirius. The older boy wrapped an arm around him to keep him steady, though Remus didn't like that much. "Marlene was a bitch, you were right." Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "How the hell did you even... you know, find me?"

"Well I didn't, not exactly. I was pissed at you so I was chatting up some guy in a gay bar in St. Louis Missouri, said he worked with a Marlene McKinnon and James later told me a friend of the guy I spoke to was into drug and organ trafficking, so I got worried about you," Remus briefly explained with a shrug. "If I knew anything about Marlene it's that she's manipulative and vindictive."

"Yeah, well, I fall for it every time, huh?" Remus didn't share the humor Sirius found in that statement. "Organ trafficking, huh?" The werewolf nodded. "That explains a lot, I guess." Remus pulled away and looked back at Sirius, who was wearing a very weak smile.

"What? That explains what?" Remus pushed his eyes properly scanning Sirius. He was clothed, but not by much. A torn shirt and boxers, bruises crossed his chest, and he wore a couple new scars... he looked positively horrid. Remus scanned his eyes up and down Sirius again, trying to make some mind of what exactly had happened to him.

"I woke up the first time in new clothes, pretty okay, right? The second time I was dragged out I had a small scar on my back. I swear it felt like something was missing... I think they took my kidney." 

" _What?_ " Remus gasped. "Turn around, let me see." Sirius complied and turned around so Remus could see his back, and pulled up the right side of his shirt. Sure enough, the scar looked like a proper incision made by professionals, it wasn't sloppy and it was stitched up very nicely. None of his other cuts had stitches, so it made sense to Remus. "Fucking hell, Sirius. We need to get out of here,  _now._ "

"You think I haven't tried?" He motioned to himself and sighed heavily. "They have anti-apparition wards up in this godforsaken place, and I've tried to attack people when they came in but it did more harm than good. I think they're also doing human trafficking because there have been children and women coming and going and they all have tags that say different things and when I saw you tossed in here I just... I didn't know what to do."

"Human trafficking...  _Merlin_ , I began to wonder if I was overthinking things right before I came here, this is... so much bigger." Sirius snorted and gave a short nod.

"Yeah, to put it lightly." 

"We  _have_  to get out," Remus repeated. He sounded more certain than he had before.

"Yes, Rem, we've gone over this. We  _just_ went over this," Sirius replied, leaning against the wall behind him, Remus scooted over and sat next to him, pulling his knees up to his chest.

"How long was I out?"

"I dunno, maybe a day? Give or take some," Sirius said, shrugging. Remus felt his blood go cold, he'd been out that long? The moon... the moon was...

"Siri, the full moon is in another twenty-four hours, we need out before I change." Sirius's eyes widened at the realization.

"If they were all wizards I'd just say we let you eat them and I turn into Padfoot, but there are muggles too and we don't need muggles getting on our, the whole of the wizarding community's case again, Merlin knows what happened all those years before was bad enough we don't need another war with them," Sirius rambled. "Why did you come so close to the full moon? Wasn't that a bad idea?"

"I wanted you safe, asshole."

"Aw, how heartwarming. You're going to get yourself killed!"

"Ha, yeah yeah, I know I am. Do you have any idea where we are? State or placement or  _anything_?" Sirius began to shake his head but then he stopped and thought about it for a moment.

"All that I know is that we're not in Missouri, I'm pretty sure we're in Iowa."

"Okay, you're going to have to give me more than that."

"That's all I know, almost everyone here has been from Iowa, not Missouri. A couple of them were from Indiana," Sirius explained.

"You asked them?"

"Well of course I did! I'm not just going to sit in here silently while they fear for their life, I'm not completely heartless." Remus sighed and readjusted himself so he could rest his head on Sirius's shoulder.

"I know you're not heartless, I'm just..." Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's shoulders, gently squeezing his shoulder.

"Remus... you're never like this before the moon, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're usually snappy and sickly, never this affectionate and..."

"Yeah well, I missed you for one. And two, I would imagine it's because I'm so overcome by worry there's no room for anything else."

"Remus that's not like you."

"Yeah well, I just..."

"I know, I know. You can rest for a minute, they're bound to be here soon." Remus didn't hesitate, he let all tension leave his body, just for the time being. He grabbed Sirius's free hand just to hold, just to ground him to reality, just to know someone else was there with him, he wasn't totally alone. He knew could trust Sirius to keep him safe, right? At least... he thought he could, he wasn't in on everything... was he?

 He was thankful for the moments of rest that he had got. He probably would've gotten more had the door to their room not been thrown open. Remus jumped in surprise, and Sirius's hold on Remus tightened. He didn't recognize the man who entered the room, neither of them did. "Come, now." Remus didn't make an effort to move, but Sirius was already getting ready to get up. Remus bit back a sigh, he wasn't going to let him go all on his own. Remus got up and trailed after Sirius. 

But before the man could even touch them, Sirius punched him. Remus hadn't expected it, but he was pleased to see the man go down. Sirius cradled his first for a moment, cursing under his breath. "Come on, Rem." He didn't have to be told twice. Sirius looked around and went left, Remus kept close behind him. He still had his doubts, though.  _That could've been staged,_ he told himself,  _maybe Sirius is just trying to get on your good side. Maybe it's all staged._

There was a staircase at the end of the long hall. After walking up in, Sirius peaked around the corners. "People, that way." Sirius pointed to his left. "But... I also saw our wands."

"Why would the keep them so close?" Remus wondered aloud, mostly talking to himself. "How many people?" Sirius held up three fingers. "If we can get our wands we can get past them, just put them in a full body bind and-" Sirius was already walking towards them. Remus mentally slapped him and ran out after him, aiming for the wands. Of course, once the people in the room noticed them, they went for the wands too. 

The brief skirmish didn't last very long. They were both sedated soon after the people in the room (muggles, Remus noted, they didn't use magic to fight back) figured out what they were attempting to do. Remus barely even felt the needle penetrate his skin. He caught Sirius's eye before everything, for the second time in twenty-four hours, went black.

//

When we woke up god knows how long later, he was in a different room. He stood up to look around for a moment, ignoring the pounding in his chest. This room was completely empty aside from him. And aside from the two dog bowls in the room, one containing dog food and the other containing a greenish looking liquid. Remus felt sick to his stomach, he could already feel the effects of the full moon on his aching body. The room was too small, Moony would kill himself trying to get free. The walls were brick, stained with smears of blood.

He really hoped James could figure out his location, preferably before the full moon took full control and turned him into a ravaging monster. Remus felt his knees buckle beneath him at the thought. He wasn't going to survive the night. James would've been here by now if he was coming, Merlin what if James was in trouble too. Remus leaned against the cold wall for support. The bloody door had bars on it, it resembled a jail cell door.

In muggle movies you always see people call for help, and Remus had always thought he would do the same if he was ever placed in that kind of situation. But now that he was, that was the very last thing he wanted to do because he knew it was helpless. Plus, if people were watching him or listening for him it would only piss them off. Remus wondered how long he was out this time. Well, not really, he knew it was around a day because the full moon was affecting him and it was only this bad an hour or so before the transformation.

As it grew nearer, all strength seemed to leave his body. All the frustration that he'd kept pent up inside kept rushing at him and the sickness that he'd somehow managed to keep at bay hit him full force, and he threw up in the corner of the room. He slunk onto the floor and rested his head against the wall. The coolness of the brick felt good against his overheating skin, he'd stripped off his clothes and shoved them through the bars in the door in an attempt to keep them safe before he did change. He was more afraid than usual this time around.

He didn't want to die.

It wouldn't be much longer now. Remus felt himself start to cry, he began to sob and cry so hard it hurt his chest. He didn't stop or pay any mind to the person who came down and sat on the other side of the barred door. All Remus knew is that he wouldn't survive tonight, especially with the smell of people so close by. He felt the bloodlust sooner than most nights. It was usually the transformation first. But it wasn't much longer now, he could feel his bones shifting and moving into position, he felt the teeth his hands changing...

The last thing he remembered was the slam of a door.


	13. To love him

It wasn't easy waking up this time around. Every single cell in his body ached with last night's transformation. He didn't even have to move to feel the places his skin was sticky with the wounds from last night. He also didn't have to move to know he had survived the night, but that was seeming like a bad thing with every passing second because he'd never been in this much pain after a full moon. Or maybe he had, he didn't know, the pain was making his head fuzzy and his thoughts muddled.

But he was thankful when he felt soft fur next to his body, pressing up against his legs. He could feel the rise and fall of their ribcage and he immediately knew who it was. Remus finally decided to open his eyes to look down at the black mass of fur at his feet. Padfoot was watching him intently, and when he opened his eyes the dog struggled to his feet and licked Remus's face. Remus moved his hips to the side so he was properly lying on his back and patted his chest. Sirius laid back down and rested his head on Remus's chest.

He could feel a few pieces of dog food digging into his back where he was laying on them, and the ground was damp. With the green liquid in the other bowl or blood or sweat or vomit, he didn't know. Remus lifted his head and gently pet the top of Padfoot's head, doing his best to keep his eyes open and stay conscious. He probably would've slipped back into unconsciousness had he not felt blood matting Padfoot's fur at the base of his neck. "Siri... what happened?"

Sirius changed back but made no effort to move. He was just as naked as Remus was, and bruised to no end. He also had cuts littering his body, ones that looked like they were from a werewolf. "Before you ask, no bites. Just claws, it's okay." Remus heaved a very painful sigh of relief, he'd hurt the other before but he'd thankfully never bitten them. "Right after you changed they shoved me into your cage. You attacked me before I could change into Padfoot, but I finally did. Can't get rid of me that easily."

"Then why am I in so much pain?"

"Even with Padfoot around Moony wasn't too happy. There wasn't enough room to play like before so he kept clawing at himself and when I tried to stop him I was the one getting clawed, they tried to get me out at one point and... Moony you bit someone." Remus wasn't worried about that, he was far too interested in what he had said earlier.

"What do you mean, 'like before'? Sirius, you were never with me on full moons," Remus said. "Right?"

"Well, about that... I tried to come most nights. Hell, I was there most nights. I just didn't want you to know and I made James and Peter swear not to tell you, and... well, Moony loved to play with another canine, after the first night I was there James and Peter told me they're never seen Moony so happy and playful."

"Even when you never spoke to me?" Sirius nodded and shifted his shoulders a bit, draping an arm across Remus's torso. "They knew? They knew and they didn't tell me? You didn't tell...  _Merlin_ , Sirius, why?"

"I thought you'd be mad," Sirius replied.

"Mad? Sirius I- I spent the rest of our time at Hogwarts and all that time we lived together thinking you hated me and wanted me dead. I fell out of love with you because it was doing me more harm than good, I pined after you until we graduated and if you had just told me or said something that indicated you didn't hate me and you still loved me I would have forgiven you. Even after all that, because I loved you, Sirius. I loved you more than I can ever put into words," Remus explained. He tried not to sound too distraught but it didn't work very well.

"Then I guess there's no place for apologies now then, huh? It's too late, isn't it?" Remus sighed and ran his fingertips along Sirius's arm, shrugging miserably.

"I don't know, Sirius. When you first started talking to me again I was scared. I almost didn't want to be your proper friend again, I was scared I'd fall in love with you once more and I didn't know if I could handle that again." 

"I'm sorry I went with Marlene, I didn't want to leave you lot, but I thought it would be better for you if I wasn't there." Remus smiled sadly and turned his head to look down at Sirius. 

"I know. At least I figured that's why, so did James. Lily is completely furious though, she'd probably punch you when she sees you again. James might too, but then he'd hug you and curse you for leaving. I'm not sure about Peter." Sirius grinned despite the circumstance.

"I already got an earful," Sirius said mindlessly.

"What?"

"James," Sirius explained, "He already cussed me out, but then he cried because he'd missed me so much."

"James was  _here?_ " Remus gasped. "Is he okay?"

"The little shit has his cloak, they won't see him coming." Remus felt a lot of tension leave his body and he slumped back even more, if physically possible. Even if he didn't slump back, he certainly felt better. "So can I heal your wounds?" Remus nodded and Sirius got off him, casting the healing charms on every wound he could see, before handing Remus his own wand.

"Why did you say anything sooner?"

"I enjoyed cuddling you," Sirius said playfully.

"It was more me not being able to move because I was in so much pain, but sure Sirius, if that's what you want to call it."

"I just love cuddling you."

"Because of that stunt, it may be the very last time you do that." Remus got to his feet and gave the door a shove, and it squeaked open. Remus glanced back at Sirius who was also on his feet and following close behind him. Remus grabbed his clothes, handing Sirius his pair of boxers and his shirt, while he put on his jeans and jacket, so both of them were fairly clothed. They made it up the stairs without any trouble and ended up in the same room they had ended up in before, except this time it was empty. They continued on their way, looking for some sort of exit. Or James, whichever they found first.

"This place is one giant bloody maze," Sirius grumbled.Remus silently agreed, he was in pain and he just wanted to find James and get out, he wouldn't feel right leaving without his best friend. He couldn't just leave James here, he refused to. 

"Where is James?" Remus grumbled, mostly to himself.

"Are you forgetting he has the cloak? He could be following us waiting to give us a giant fucking scare," Sirius replied quietly. Remus grinned despite himself because Sirius was right. Remus stopped in his tracks, and something ran into him. Something that wasn't Sirius. Remus turned around and grabbed at seemingly thin air, but is hand made contact with the cloak and he pulled it off a sheepish looking James.

"We need to get out, I've contacted the wizarding authorities and they're on their way, we need to leave." James proceeded to step in front of them and lead them out. They were quite literally in the middle of nowhere, only dirt and fields of corn as far as the eye could see. James grabbed his friends' hands and apparated them away. Remus collapsed once he arrived back in the hotel room due to many different factors. The world was spinning and his head was throbbing, he felt sick from the transformation and because he hadn't drunk anything for multiple days, nor had he eaten. Remus ended up throwing up the little substance he had left in his body before completely slipping out of consciousness. He'd held on as long as he needed to, he was in safe hands now.

Sirius knelt beside him and brushed his hair out of his face with shaking hands. He'd really fucked up, he'd thought he was helping Remus but as it turns out he was doing the complete opposite. Sirius leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on his temple before standing back up and letting Lily do what Lily did best, take care of Remus after the moon. Sirius sat on the bed and watched Lily tend to Remus.

"Padfoot?" Sirius looked up to see Peter looking down at him with wide eyes. "You're bleeding, wasn't sure if you noticed. It's seeping through your shirt." Sirius looked down and tugged off his shirt. One of the cuts Remus had given him the night before had reopened and was bleedy pretty steadily. James fished out his hand and cast a quick spell before grabbing Lily's bag and digging for a potion to heal minor cuts and scratches. He handed Sirius the vial.

"Thanks, Prongs," Sirius whispered, down the potion without a second thought. "Can I have some water?"

"Of course you can, are you okay?" Sirius shrugged and said nothing, but gladly accepted the water when it was handed to him. James sat next to him and gazed at him intently, debating whether or not the question he should've known was coming. "What... what happened with Marlene?"

"No one can tell Remus," Sirius told them, nursing his cup of water. "She was working for them, as you'd expect. Working with the head of the whole operation, Lance. She wanted me there in hopes Remus would come for me, and Merlin knows the idiot would do something like that. There aren't many werewolves in America, Lance wanted one to study and research, to torment and see if he could get him to change outside the full moon. It was awful, Marlene would come talk to me and tell me the plans Lance had for him."

"What the fuck?" Peter whispered. "Did you tell Remus?"

"No!" James exclaimed suddenly, startling both Peter and Sirius, making the latter splash some water onto his lap. "And for good reason, he'd try to fix everything himself just to help everyone else, werewolf or otherwise. He'd dive in head first again to try and save everyone and get killed in the process." Sirius found himself unconsciously nodding along in agreement. 

"And I did just tell you not to tell him, so I think that would answer the question as well," Sirius pointed out, taking another sip of his water.

"Was he also doing human trafficking?" James asked. Sirius nodded mindlessly, everything that had happened to him the past week and a half was finally catching up to him. The severity of it, and just how much bigger than expected. "I wondered because there was this room filled with young women and children and... the smell and the sight of them..." James looked like he was going to be sick, and Sirius felt his own stomach churn at the thought.

"Should we just go home?" Peter asked them. "Did we get too deep into this?"

"No. At least, not yet. I want to get married to James in Las Vegas, I was too see the Rocky Mountains, and I was to visit California and Oregon and the pretty towns over there. As long as we leave here as soon as we can we should be in the clear," Lily piped up once she got Remus into bed, stitched up with the right potions flooding through his system. "He'll be okay as long as he eats and drinks a lot of water when he wakes up."

"He will be okay?" Lily heaved a sigh and sat on James' lap, leaning back against him. 

"Of course he will, Sirius, this is Remus we're talking about. The boy who's been doing this ever since he was five, the boy who pretended everything was okay when the love of his life said he was better off dead and then pretended he didn't exist for three years," Lily ranted, glaring at the older boy. Sirius deflated and looked at the other two Marauders for some sort of support, but neither said anything. "I think you hurt him more than the transformations ever could."

"I know." Sirius knew there was no point in protesting for a multitude of reasons, starting with the fact he knew Lily was right. At first, he'd done it because he was a bloody werewolf, then because he thought it was best for Remus, and then because he was too scared to face what he'd done. Lily seemed startled that  _Sirius Black,_  of all people, didn't bother defending his name.

It was two hours later when Remus woke up asking for Sirius that Lily forgave the bastard. Despite everything, all his flaws and fuck-ups, he wasn't a bad person. He was misunderstood, misled, and overall sad. He was still a mystery to Lily, and he would remain that way for quite some time, she knew, but she also knew she could learn to love and trust Sirius Black much like she had Remus.

Sirius brought Remus a glass of water and a few crackers before slipping into bed next to him, instinctively wrapping his arms around Remus and holding him close as he gulped down the water and ate the crackers. Lily watched the scene unfold from across the room where she sat in James' lap, reading The Daily Prophet that he'd managed to snag and let a fond smile cross her face. 

"They're happy, James," Lily whispered. James looked over at them and then back down at the Prophet in Lily's hands.

"No they're not, only when they're together are they happy," James replied.

"Well, they're together now, aren't they?"

"They would be if Remus wasn't so bloody stubborn."

"Oh! Together like,  _dating_. I thought you meant when they were around each other." James chuckled and shook his head.

"No, like boyfriends." Lily opened her mouth but was cut off but movement in her stomach.

"James!" She gasped, her voice was no longer kept low. "The baby's kicking!" James immediately placed his hands on Lily's stomach and she covered them with her own hands. He kicked again, a smile blossoming on both James' and Lily's face. Remus and Sirius, both of which were still awake, beamed over at Lily's exclamation. 

"Pete!" The smallest Marauder was startled awake, glaring over at James for waking him. "Our baby's kicking!" Peter smiled just as wide as Remus and Sirius had.

"Baby Harry," Sirius cooed. James smiled, so did Lily. And so did Peter, he looked proud because no one had shot down the name he had proposed. It made him happy and it made them feel useful. Sirius was the one who helped Lily and James get together, Remus was the one who had kept them together in times of trial, and now Peter might have chosen the baby's name? They were all happy because, for the first time in a long time, they all felt like a proper family.

//

Remus was mildly surprised to wake up next to someone. He didn't mind, though, he felt like he might finally have Sirius back, and that made up for everything he went through in the past two years. He sighed contently and rolled over, burying his face into the older boy's chest, smiling when he only pulled him closer. He heard a quiet "aww." coming from somewhere in the room, but he didn't mind. He usually would've been embarrassed, but he was still in pain from those few days ago, and being in Sirius's arms made the pain worth it.

"Guys," James murmured. Remus let out a small, quiet growl directed at James. Moony was still close to the surface because it was so soon after the moon, and he was in a lot of pain. Sirius squeezed him once and then untangled himself. This time he let out a noise of discontentment and finally opened his eyes, both James and Lily were gazing down at him and Sirius was watching him fondly, still lying on his side.

"Can a man sleep in peace?" Remus grumbled, finally sitting up and glaring at them all. Excluding Peter, of course, he was desperately trying to shove everything he could into his bag.

"You can sleep more in the van, Rem, we're leaving," Sirius told him, gently brushing Remus's hair out of his face. Remus climbed out of bed and shoved the few things he'd taken out of his bag back into it before slinging it over his shoulder, glancing back at everyone else.

"Well? Let's go!" Sirius grabbed his bag (James had nicked it for him back in Iowa) and followed after Remus, slinging an arm around his shoulders. The werewolf leaned into his touch as they walked down the stairs, out the door and down to the van, leaving the other three to deal with checking out. The second he was inside, he pulled Sirius down with him and cuddled into his chest.

"Are you okay, Moony?" Remus wasn't sure how to answer that question. 

"The moon took a lot out of me," He admitted. "Being locked up... Moony's still incredibly close to the surface because of it, and although I'm not too messed up physically, I'm mentally drained, Moony wants to take advantage of that." Remus sighed and found Sirius's hand, holding it close to his chest. "When... when we were together before, Moony saw you as a mate. That's very animalistic and weird and I hope it doesn't bother you, but... I don't know why I'm telling you this." Remus chuckled humorlessly.

"It doesn't bother me, Rem," Sirius assured him.

"I think it's because I'm trying to ask, did Moony attack you while you were there? After you changed?" Sirius decided not to answer the question, so Remus took another breath and continued. "I think he felt how I feel towards you now versus how felt about you one year, or two years or three or even four years ago."

"Moony's never attacked me unless I got in his way first. And even then, he never did much harm. He's fairly gentle with me." Remus breathed a sigh of relief and properly relaxed into his Sirius's chest. "Rem?"

"Hmm?"

"Is this your way of giving me a second, no, third chance?" Remus snorted in amusement and fought the urge to roll his eyes despite the fact nobody could see him.

"Sirir, this is like your seventh try, and that last fuck up was awful, you're lucky you're getting another chance at all. Well, no, I knew I'd forgive you eventually. So yeah,  I think it is, Siri, I think I'm ready to finally try again."

"I'm going to mess up again."

"You're you, I expect it from you. You don't ever mean to hurt me, and I know that. As long as you properly try, Sirius, that's all I want, okay?" Sirius nodded, sighing his own sigh of relief. "Who knows, maybe you won't mess up again."

"Remus, have you met me?"

"At least you're self-aware?" Remus tried, but it only made Sirius laugh.

"Yeah, but I'm only self-aware of these things after they happen."

"That's a shame," Remus said. "Can I sleep now?" Sirius said no more, he just planed a soft kiss on Remus's forehead and held him close, thankful that the other three joined them in the van before Remus actually fell asleep. Peter and Lily were up front this time, leaving James to join them in the back. Remus was still holding Sirius's hand against his chest, and the smile the older boy wore was some sort of complete and utter joy.

"I think they're happy now, James," Lily mused as she started up the van.

"I am," Sirius confirmed. "I'm the happiest I've been in a long time." Lily winked back at James and exited the parking lot.

"Told ya, Lils, only when they're together." Sirius didn't deny the fact. He was happiest with Remus, whether it was he was just around him or he was holding him or kissing him or anything else. Remus, who still wasn't asleep yet, also agreed. After Sirius ran away with Marlene, after realizing he was in potential danger, Remus knew he couldn't let him run away again if he was lucky enough to find him.

And after seeing Sirius down in that basement, the relief that flooded through Remus was breathtaking, he wanted to reach up and kiss him until they couldn't breathe anymore, he wanted the hold him and show him just how special he was. Remus still wanted to do that, but if this was going to work like he wanted it to then that meant he had all the time in the world. To trust him, to kiss him, to hold him, and to be with him. 

And, most importantly, to love him.


	14. All that mattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone messaged me about it so yes, i know remus is taller in cannon but i have a soft spot for tiny remus
> 
> also, some of the tattoo ideas came from allfandommoodboards on tumblr

He woke up around two and a half hours later when they decided to stop and get some food in Jefferson City. Sirius was sleeping soundly next to him, still holding him, still radiating the warmth that Remus always seemed to lack. Remus pulled away slowly, trying to make sure he didn't wake the boy next to him in the process. "Moony!" James greeted quietly. "Welcome back to the land of the living, how are you feeling this fine day?" Remus groaned and thumped his head against James' shoulder.

"Tired," He admitted, lifting his head back up. "Much better than earlier, though." James shifted his eyes down to Sirius, then looked back up at Remus and raised his eyebrows curiously, a knowing smirk slowly stretching across his lips. Remus sighed. "You really can just see straight through me, can't you?" James snorted.

"No, Moons, I can see straight through Sirius. You're a bloody steel box, I couldn't see through you I tried. Sirius, on the other hand, anyone can see through him. He was grinning like a bloody idiot and staring at you like nothing else mattered to him." Remus couldn't help but smile, despite his flaws Sirius was a sap. Sometimes, anyway.

"Nothing is official yet, James, though it was heavily implied." James rolled his eyes and leaned against the side of the van. Remus could sense another pair of eyes on him and glanced up. Peter was looking back at them while Lily was inside the store getting the food for them, Remus was admittedly surprised James had let her go alone.

"I don't care if you're properly or officially together, or anything else. I just know there's something. I can see you're both happy and that's why I'm so happy for the two of you, regardless of everything else." Remus smiled shyly, glancing back down at Sirius. He was snoring softly, it probably couldn't even be counted as snoring, just small puffs of air. "The universe did right with you two, and I swear if anything gets in the way I will fucking burn it."

"I think you're more involved in their relationship than they are, James," Peter piped up. Remus snorted and looked up at James. He was scowling playfully. "I like how we haven't used magic very much during this trip."

"Isn't that what Lily was aiming for?" Remus wondered. 

"Yeah, she wanted us to have a better understanding of what it's like to be a Muggle, I admit I respect her for it. Not many wizards or witches do things like that. Magic is our way of life." Remus nodded in wordless agreement. They stopped talking after that, there was nothing more to be said. Remus laid back down next to Sirius a moment later and brushed some hair out of the older boy's face, smiling when his eyes opened.

"Morning, Pads." Sirius's eyes shot open and he scrambled to sit up, looking out the windows.

"I slept till  _morning?_ "

"Wha- no, Sirius, it's afternoon. Don't worry." Sirius pouted and playfully punched Remus's arm, but it didn't last long because Remus planted a quick kiss on Sirius's cheek.

It was in that moment everything seemed right again.

But of course, it wasn't alright then. A quick kiss on the cheek couldn't solve everything they had all went through, the damage Sirius had done. It didn't wipe away the memories of being stuck in a dark room with nothing more than women and children who were to be shipped off and used as toys and rats for company. It didn't take away the complete and utter fear of losing someone you care about or having them leave you.

They both still had insecurities, they were just too proud to show them.

It came out into the open a week later when they were in the capital of Nebraska, trying to pinpoint the most tourist-filled spots to raid. It was the night after they visited one of the large gardens that Remus woke up to an empty bed. For a horrifying, brief second Remus wondered if he'd left again, but it was soothed when he heard running water in the bathroom and he could clearly see Peter asleep on the other bed.

He rolled over, prepared to go back to sleep when he heard a soft sniffling and a quiet cry. Anyone else would've missed it, and Remus had never been so glad to have sensitive hearing. He crept out of bed and made his way over to the bathroom, raising his fist to gently knock on the bathroom door. He hesitated for a moment because Sirius never liked to show any sign of weakness or vulnerability. He'd only seen Sirius cry a couple times, and he hadn't been happy about it. 

He finally did knock.

The door opened a few seconds later, much to Remus's surprise. He had expected to be shooed away. He entered and immediately wrapped his arms around Sirius, there was absolutely no hesitation in that movement. Sirius practically went limp in his arms, had Remus not been as strong as he was he would've toppled over because Sirius was quite a bit taller than him. Remus slid down to the floor next to the shower and held him.

He held him and he let him cried into his shoulder and grip his shirt and completely soak it with his tears, but Remus didn't mind. He ran a soothing hand up and down Sirius's back as he did his best to calm him down by whispering soft, soothing words to the older boy. He just continued to cry, and Remus didn't say a word. There were none to say. Sirius needed this cry, he bottled everything up until it all came pouring out.

"I'm so sorry, Rem," Sirius croaked out. Remus gently lifted his chin and looked him in the eyes, the stormy grey he'd grown to love.

"It's okay," He whispered back. Sirius pushed Remus's hand away and practically fell out of his lap, shaking his head rapidly.

"No," Sirius stressed, "it's not okay! I said you were better off dead and then ignored you because I was too much of an ass to face what I'd done! Then," Sirius swallowed hard before he continued. "I leave with some girl I didn't even like because I thought it would be better for you, and I only ended up putting you in danger!" Sirius fell back to his knees and began tugging his hair angrily.

"Stop!" Remus chided gently, grabbed his two wrists and pulling them close to his chest. "Don't do that, it won't solve anything. I've forgiven you for all of that, I did a long time ago. Sirius, you need to forgive yourself." Sirius stilled with those words and stopped trying to pull away. He let Remus pull him back into his chest and kiss the top of his head. He let Remus stand him up and undress him, he let Remus lead him into the shower and wash him.

Nothing about it was sexual, it was a form of comfort and care. Sirius didn't mind as Remus massaged the shampoo into his hair and helped him rinse it, he didn't care that Remus's hands were all over his body, cleaning him as thoroughly as he could in such a situation. Remus turned off the water and helped Sirius out and dried him, he gave him clean clothes and then led him back to bed.

"I don't deserve you, Rem," Sirius whispered after they had climbed into bed. "No one does. You're so special."

"Then please, Sirius, don't let me go. Don't let something small ruin this, ruin us. I'm yours until you prove you don't want me." Sirius let the words sink in as they fell asleep. With those words, Sirius realized, his respect for Remus only grew.

//

It was another week later when Remus had a breakdown of his own. His wasn't quite as private as Sirius's had been, they were driving up to South Dakota when Sirius had briefly said something that completely sent Remus over the edge. He began crying and he didn't quite know why, but as he continued all the reasons he had to cry fell into place, and it only made everything worse. Sirius held him close while he cried, no questions why, no words of comfort and Remus was thankful for it.

He calmed down pretty quickly when he felt Sirius's shaking hand grab one of his own. No one asked what had happened. Once he sobered up Sirius grabbed his tape player and began playing David Bowie. "Hey, Moons?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think I could rock an androgynous style like Bowie does?" Remus snorted at the question.

"Of course you could, you could rock anything you wanted." It was this answer that resulted in Sirius insisting to stop at the nearest place that did makeup because he was determined to get his done. Since James was the one driving it wasn't very hard to convince him to stop. Peter smirked and handed Remus a chocolate frog. 

"You deserve much more than this for such a thing." Remus grinned and opened it, beginning to eat the chocolate frog. It wasn't hard to find a place, it took another thirty minutes. Sirius was out of the van before James even turned it off, followed by an exasperated Remus. Remus and Lily were the two people who waited for Sirius while James and Peter went off in search of somewhere to have lunch. 

"This is your fault," Lily accused, her voice light and playful. "Though, I'm very excited to see what Sirius ends up doing."

"Me too," Remus admitted. "He'd occasionally wear a bit of eyeliner or lipgloss back at Hogwarts but even that was rare, I've never seen him this excited over makeup." 

It took an hour before he was done. Remus almost choked when he saw him, it wasn't what he had expected. Sirius had a beautiful golden smokey eye, topped with eyeliner. Subtle skin-toned lipstick, and in his hands he held three bags, Remus mentally sighed, but outwardly he grinned. "Merlin, Pads. I haven't seen anyone pull off makeup off that well." Sirius grinned and planted a kiss on Remus's cheek, making the werewolf smile even brighter.

"I asked the women to show me how to do it, then I decided to buy some and kind of got carried away..." Sirius motioned down to the bags in his hands.

"It looks amazing," Lily admitted. "I can give you some tips if you let me borrow some of the makeup you bought." 

"Sounds like a fair deal to me."

James and Peter arrived ten minutes later, both of them complementing Sirius and herding them into the van. James didn't say where they were going, but it took a while to drive there. "I admit," James began once they were getting closer. "I apparated around and asked a few locals, so this wasn't entirely magic free, but... it'll be worth it."

Another thirty minutes they arrived. It was a lake, a beautiful, clear lake with brilliant bright green trees surrounding it, some containing small blossoms. James led Lily to the lake shore and kissed her hand before dropping to one knee. Remus sucked in a breath and sought out Sirius's hand, lacing their fingers together as they watched the scene unfold before them.

"Lily, you know I've fancied you since the very moment I saw you. I don't know what it was that drew me to you, maybe it was Sirius's small taunts as time went on, claiming Potter men have a thing for redheads, maybe it was how much you hated me. I don't know, but as you grew up, as we grew up, that crush blossomed into love. I can't thank Sirius enough for helping us, for taking that polyjuice and pretending to be me because I was too afraid to ask you myself... ever since I first saw you, I wanted to make you my wife. So what do you say, Lily? Will you marry me?" 

"Did I propose to you first?"

"Yes, but I had the decency to get a ring." Lily laughed through her watery eyes and dropped down to her knees and grabbed James' cheeks so she could kiss him.

"Of course I'll marry you, prat." James grinned and slipped the ring onto Lily's finger. The band was white-gold, a blue diamond sat in the middle with a flower made of smaller, white diamonds on either side.

"That'll be us one day," Sirius whispered to Remus. The werewolf elbowed him in the ribs and shushed him.

"It'll have to be until after they get married because James will invest more time in our wedding than his."

"True, but they're getting married in Vegas last time I heard," Sirius reminded him.

"If this is your way of a proposal, Sirius Black, I am afraid I am going to have to decline." Sirius chuckled and kissed Remus's temple.

"Prat." Lily walked back over to Sirius and looked him over for a moment. 

"Since you have your makeup done, would you let me do your hair?" She asked. Sirius glanced over at Remus, then James, then Peter, all of which seemed to like the idea. He nodded and sat on a grassy patch near the shore of the lake while Lily gathered flowers and other things to put in his hair.

"That was pretty romantic there, Prongs, I didn't know you had it in you," Remus mused, nudging his friend with his elbow.

"I admit, a lot of that was our very own Wormtail." Peter was currently sitting next to Sirius, encouraging Lily to do his hair too. "He's going to make some girl very happy one day, undoubtedly."

"Definitely. Do you think we should go over there and make Lily do our hair too?" A nod from James sealed the deal.

//

Continuing on their way to South Dakota, Sirius had yet another brilliant idea. At least, he thought it was a good idea. "We should all get tattoos." Remus sighed audibly this time and climbed out of Sirius's lap and into James' with a second thought.

"You're my boyfriend now, my old one kept coming up with stupid ideas." James patted Remus's back and kissed his cheek, chuckling at Sirius's annoyed expression. 

"Really!" Sirius insisted. Sirius already had a tattoo, just one that he'd got right after he'd graduated from Hogwarts. It was the Gryffindor house crest on his ankle. When he got it no one really said anything and he'd never said anything about it. It was just there, never mentioned or pointed out. "It'll be fun!"

"I'm up for it," James agreed. He'd already thought about it, months before. He wanted to get a pair of antlers on his shoulder blades, and he wanted the space between them to be filled with Lilies. Remus heaved another sigh and moved onto Peter. 

"I like the idea too," Peter told James sheepishly. Remus sighed once more and climbed up into the passenger seat next to Lily. 

"I don't want to get anything, but if the three of you really want I can find you a place to get one." The three boys in the back all grinned at each other. 

"Moony!" Sirius whined. "Please get one? Anything you want? It'll be fun!" 

Remus ended up getting one, they all did. They managed to find a wizard couple who did tattoos on the outskirts of South Dakota. James had gotten the tattoo he'd planned on getting, as well as Canis Major, the constellation containing the star Sirius, on the back of his neck.  After Remus and Peter both complained about not having one, he continued to get a moon for Remus (after he'd approved it, of course) and mouse ears with whiskers for Peter.

Peter had gotten the outline of all their animagus forms on his wrist, the word "Marauders" written beneath. Sirius had gotten two, he'd gotten the date he and James had met on his wrist and a small, sleeping wolf behind his ear. After a lot of begging on Sirius's part, Remus had gotten a sleeping back dog behind his ear. Lily had been the hardest to persuade, but of course, she couldn't say no to James Potter.

She'd gotten a simple doe and a stag on either arm while Remus got his since neither of them had intended to get one. For the first time since this road trip, Sirius was the one who volunteered to drive. Remus sat up front with him since Sirius claimed Remus was now in charge of music (he wasn't really, Sirius just knew he'd play whatever he requested). 

It took another two hours for them to make it to Sioux Falls, even though it really only should've taken them an hour. Sirius kept stopping every so often to fix something or to kiss Remus or to get into a heated debate with someone else that required a lot of hand movements. The werewolf didn't mind the frequent stops. He would assume no one else would've minded them either if it hadn't been ten at night.

When they checked into the hotel that night Sirius was insistent upon having a room just for him and Remus, who was blatantly ignored while Sirius explain this to James in front of the lady behind the desk, despite his blushing boyfriend's attempts to shush him. Finally, they got their rooms, Peter was staying in one with James and Lily for this stop. Sirius dragged Remus up to the room as quickly as he could and was all over Remus the moment they entered their room.

This time was so different from the last. The last time was in the middle of nature, their bodies were heavy with want and lust and a passion that they had been deprived of for so, so long. Last time they were together for what they both assumed to be the last time, but this time... this time was different. This time Sirius took note of every breath Remus breathed and every slow, lust-filled blink of his eyes, every moan, every scar.

Sirius drank him in like he was drinking from the fountain of youth. He tasted of autumn, the fresh leaves, and moonlight. But he was also warm like honey dripping from beehives. His hands gripped Remus's parchment hips as they rocked against each other. His amber eyes that, if you looked close enough, looked like sun hitting yellow tree sap on spring days. He cupped Remus's face and looked down into his eyes, looked down into the depths of his soul because Remus... he loved Remus.

And Remus... he didn't love Sirius yet. But as he gazed into his stormy grey eyes that thought slipped his mind, the fact he didn't was replaced with "why?". Why didn't he? Remus lifted his own hands and cupped Sirius's cheeks in his hands, running his thumbs over his sharp cheekbones before kissing him again. Sirius, in every sense, was a storm. He wrecked havoc and made up for it the best he could. His eyes contained storm clouds, he was cold and tasted of rain.

They made love again that night. They were closer than ever before, their kisses contained passion and want and comfort that they both so desperately craved. They kissed and they mixed and that warm honey mixed with rainwater to create the perfect concoction of tea on rainy days. They loved like they had never felt before, it was that night Remus fell in love with Sirius Black for the second time in his life. He didn't know it, he wouldn't know it for quite some time.

Not consciously, at least, because he slept soundly that night. He slept properly for the first time in weeks, all because his brain was once again content. All because Moony was once again content, all because he had the love of his life back. All because... he loved him. He loved Sirius Black. They loved each other more passionately than either of them would have ever thought possible, but neither minded.

Neither minded because neither noticed.

All they noticed was each other, and that was all that mattered.


	15. Lie to me

Remus woke up the same way he fell asleep: content and happy. Sirius was naked beside him, as was he. Remus was pretty sure he'd never felt more content in his entire life. Sunlight was flickering in through slit blinds. Remus rolled onto his side to face Sirius, whose eyes were already sleepily opened. "Mornin' sleepyhead," Sirius said, placing a chaste kiss on Remus's lips. Remus hummed happily and kissed him again, this one lasting a few seconds longer than the last.

"I think we should get up and shower before the others wonder if we've clocked out for all of today, too," Remus said. Sirius whined and pulled Remus into his arms. The younger boy almost gave in, but the scent of sweat filled the air and he forced himself to crawl out of Sirius's arms and out of bed. "You know, maybe if you hurry, we could-" Remus didn't even have to finish the question, Sirius was scrambling to get out of bed, kissing him briefly before herding him into the bathroom, a large grin on both faces.

Thirty minutes and some distractions later, Sirius and Remus were seated in the others' hotel room, discussing their plans for the day while James kept winking at them and giving them knowing looks. After everyone had gone down to breakfast except for James and Sirius, James gave the latter a playful nudge. "You lucky dog!" Sirius tried to fight off a smile, but it didn't work very well so he flipped James off to make up for it. "How was it?"

"You're asking me, your best mate, to tell you how having sex with my boyfriend, my gay, werewolf boyfriend who happens to be your friend too, was?" Sirius raised his eyebrows and gazed at James curiously, but the messy-haired boy didn't seem to mind or show any shame. "It was intense," Sirius told him. "It was the best I've had, both with him and otherwise. Merlin, James, I love him to the moon and back."

"I'm so glad you two have each other again," James mused. "Maybe if you try out some of that makeup you bought you can get some tonight, too." Sirius snorted and took off his shirt, his back facing James while he rifled through his close in search of something a bit better than a stained, blue t-shirt. "Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you have a surgical incision on your back?" Sirius stilled. Hadn't he told them? He certainly hadn't forgotten about it, he spent nights wondering where his organ was or if it was safe, if it was being used to potentially save a life or if some fucking cannibal had gotten their hands on it. He instinctively put a hand over the scar, then threw his shirt on and turned to face a worried looking James.

"They're into organ trafficking, remember?" Sirius whispered his reply.

"Siri- what the fuck!" James spluttered. "Do you have any idea how dangerous it is?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, it never hurt or anything, it just felt like a missing pit in my lower back. If something happens I'll do something, but for now..."

"No! We need to get you to a hospital and see how your body is fairing with a missing organ and then figure out if changing into Padfoot changes anything, and-"

"James," Sirius said.

"What if it kills you, what if-"

"James."

"What if you can't be with Moony on full moons anym-"

"James!" Finally, he shut up. Sirius sighed and rested his head in his hands before looking back up at James. "I've changed into Padfoot since it's been gone, and I was fine. You don't think about missing organs when you're tossing into a cage containing a slavering werewolf. At least, I didn't," Sirius explain gently.

"Does he know?"

"Who?"

"Remus." Sirius sighed and took a seat on one of the beds.

"I told him, I would imagine that he kind of forgot because he wasn't in his right mind. This falls into the same category as 'Moony, you bit someone'."

"Yeah, well at least he didn't actually bite anyone! You did get your organ removed!" James bit, taking a seat next to Sirius in order to calm himself down.

"James..." Sirius breathed. "He did. He bit someone. After they tossed me in there and I changed into Padfoot and calmed him down some more they tried to get me out, but Moony... He caught someone's arm, practically ripped it off." James' jaw was dropped. "Don't say anything to him, please. Just... he doesn't... he's barely coming to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe, he isn't a monster. He still sees himself as a dark creature and this will only further that response in him."

"If he finds you that you knew and you didn't tell him... he'll be furious," James told him.

"I did tell him. After that night, I told him he bit someone so he can't hold that above my head," Sirius replied.

"You're playing a risky game here, Sirius."

"I'm not playing any games! I'm trying to keep Remus from hating himself more than he already does. If he knew... he wouldn't let us stay with him during full moons anymore, he wouldn't let Lily heal him because he'd see himself as a monster." James sighed and took off his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Be careful. I won't say anything, but if he finds out..."

"He already knows. The knowledge is in there, he just has to find it." James tossed Sirius an apologetic look and left the room. Sirius slumped over and rested his elbows on his knees, glaring down at the floor. Sirius could see from James' point of view, but he almost didn't want to. He should bring it up with Remus before it was too late, before he found out some other way that would only be worse.

But he also knew he should just keep his mouth shut and hope Remus didn't find out at all. Sirius was worried Remus would even turn himself in with that knowledge and Sirius knew he couldn't let him go. As selfish as it may be, he knew he couldn't tell Remus. Sirius rose to his feet and left the room, jogging down to where the breakfast was being served.

He slid into the seat next to Remus and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek before turning to Peter, who looked positively exhausted. Sirius shot James and Lily a questioning look, but neither seemed to notice. "Pete?" The chubby marauder turned his head towards Sirius, who had his eyebrows knitted together in concern. "Are you okay?" He nodded and turned back to his waffles.

"Just tired," He replied mindlessly. Sirius almost kept pushing, but a soft touch from Remus wiped his mind. Remus had placed his hand over Sirius's, giving him the same concerned look he had kept tossing at Peter. Sirius shrugged and flipped his hand so his palm was faced upward and laced their fingers together. Remus lifted their hands and planted a soft kiss on the back of Sirius's before returning to his food. Eating with his non-dominant hand wasn't easy, Sirius noted as he tried to cut into his pancake.

Remus seemed to notice because once Sirius gave up and used his fingers to pick up the pancake he snorted into his orange juice. Sirius grinned and bit into the said pancake, the other three seemingly oblivious to the interaction of both boys. "We were going to stay in South Dakota for a bit longer, but someone-" James stopped to shoot a pointed look at Peter. "Wants to get to California as soon as we can."

"We were just going to visit the mountain with the four guys' heads on it," Sirius interrupted. his eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. "That'll be a day trip! We can head on to Wyoming after! I wanna see how they did it as muggles!" Remus bobbed his head up and down in agreement.

"But I want to see the ocean!" Peter whined.

"We... we just saw the ocean. We see the ocean a lot back home, what's so different about here?" Remus wondered, knicking a piece of bacon from Sirius's plate, munching on it happily. Sirius pretended not to notice.

"It's America!" Peter hesitated for a moment before continuing. "It's California? Aren't the beaches there praised." Sirius shared a momentary glance of curiosity with Lily, but neither said anything.

"What's the rush?"

"I..." Peter trailed off and shrugged.

"We can go after me visit Mount Rushmore," Lily assured him. Peter didn't do anything other than nod at her.

"Is that the place with the faces on the mountain?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, Sirius, that's the place with the faces on the mountain." Sirius beamed. This was one of the highlights of this road trip to him, and Remus couldn't fathom why. It was just a carved mountain, that's all it was. Remus smiled at him, a shy smile. Merlin, Sirius really would be the death of him.

"Awww," James cooed. "Ickle Rem-"

"I swear to fucking god, Prongs, if you finish that sentence." James didn't finish the sentence, but he still looked exceptionally smug.

"That was the fondest smile I've ever seen!"

"Thank you, Lils," James told her.

"Anything for you, James."

"You two are so sweet it makes me want to throw up," Sirius teased.

"Oh? Like you and Remus are so much better?"

"Peter!" Remus gasped, pretending to be offended. "I thought you were on our side!" Peter sniffed and tried to hide his smile, but failed.

"I am on my own team. Team 'Get Peter a Girlfriend'."

"I think we're all on that team, mate," Sirius patted his friend on the back and rested his head on Remus's shoulder.

"Sirius!" Remus gently pushed Sirius off his shoulder. "Your hair is still wet and I'd rather my shirt be dry, thanks." Sirius placed his head on Remus's shoulder again, completely ignoring his indignant protests.

"Aww, at least Lily's does as I ask, right Lils?" Lily snorted and looked up at him with raised eyebrows.

"I think it may be the other way around, Prongs," Peter replied. Lily nodded in confirmation and continued eating her cereal. James looked mildly offended but eventually gave in with a smile because even he knew it was true.

//

Another week had passed, and Sirius couldn't sleep. He'd been fine until it struck him that, maybe, Peter was just eager to get as far away from what had happened as he could. After that, Sirius dreamt of being kept in the cell, the faces of the women and the children who begged and begged him to help them out, but he could only cower in the corner and avoid looking into their eyes because he knew he'd get to stay, but they'd be shipped off to be slaves.

They were in western Colorado, a small cabin in the Rocky Mountains, Remus peacefully sleeping beside him while Sirius weighed out possibilities in his head. He had to go back, he had to go try and do something, anything. As he slipped out of bed he knew he couldn't let Remus know, he'd insist on going with and it'd only make matters worse, especially if the person he bit was still staying there. He pressed a kiss to Remus's forehead, ignoring the tug in his heart. He had to leave again.

He shoved some belongings back into his bag, and in the midst of his scramble, he knocked a lamp off the bedside table, causing it to shatter on the wooden ground, sending shards of glass in every direction. It made him jump as a few shards made their way beneath his skin. "Fuck," Sirius swore, glancing up at the bed where Remus now sat up, eyes wide and alert. Their eyes met, and Remus frowned.

"Sirius?" He looked back down at the bag clutched in his hands. He couldn't face Remus. He couldn't. He swept a few shards away from beside their bed so Remus wouldn't cut his feet, but his hand got cut in the process. "Are... were you leaving?"

"Remus..." Sirius was cut off by the door to their shared room opening, Lily bursting in with tired eyes. She held her wand, sleepily pointing around the room, slumping in relief when she saw no one else was in the room with them.

"What the fuck happened?" She grumbled, her eyes shifting between both Remus and Sirius.

"He's leaving again," Remus whispered, his voice croaking with sleep.

"You're bloody what?" Lily bit, turning to glare at Sirius who had yet to look up at either of them since the accusations started.

"I-"

"You what, Sirius? Am I a joke to you? Is that all our relationship is, a joke?" Sirius immediately shook his head.

"You're so much more than that, Rem." He finally looked up. Remus looked exhausted, almost like he'd expected this to happen. Sirius couldn't blame him, not really. "I was trying to protect you."

"What are you going to do this time, Black?" He looked over at Lily, who looked positively livid. He couldn't blame her either, she just wanted them happy, and Sirius couldn't even do that.

"I can't just leave them there." Lily looked confused, but Remus seemed to know immediately because he deflated and pulled Sirius onto the bed. "Children... women..."

"Oh, Sirius is this about-" Remus nodded without another word.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius grabbed his bag from the floor and set it in his lap.

"I knew you'd insist on going with me and I couldn't risk losing you."

"I just got you back, I can't lose you either. Going alone is more of a suicide mission, please don't do this," Remus begged. Sirius shook his head, looking up at Remus.

"I have to. I cannot let them die there!" Remus wiped a couple stray tears off of Sirius's cheeks and rested his forehead against his.

"Let's go. Both of us. We're safer together, I'm good with plans and I have those wolfy senses that keep us from getting caught." Sirius let out a watery laugh despite the circumstance.

"I'll help. I won't go, but I can't just let you go knowing you might die," Lily finally said. "I can give you the coordinates and-"

"No, Lily, James would kill you." She snorted and sat next to them on the bed.

"He wouldn't. He'd the royally pissed, but he wouldn't hurt me."

"Great, so what are we going to do?" Remus asked.

"Apparate," Sirius said easily.

"Nine hundred miles? Sirius are you insane?" Lily hissed.

"People have been known to apparate across the Atlantic, that's twenty-five hundred miles. We can do it."

"I hope you're right. Then what do you do after that?"

//

When Lily didn't immediately come back after insisting she go check on whatever the noise was, James got worried. He had since heard a shout from Remus and one from Sirius in return, so he knew Lily was okay and she wasn't in danger, but nonetheless, he was worried. He began to wonder if the couple was, once again, having problems within their relationship and they were using Lily as a personal counselor.

James could hear a continuous murmur coming from the although room, though he wasn't able to make out any words no matter how hard he listened. Sometimes he wished he could hear as well as Remus could, or he would've been dedicated enough to grab his wand. He didn't do that because it was crossing a line, no matter how much his stomach turned, he refused to listen in on a private conversation.

Once Lily finally came back into their room, it was at least an hour later and she looked positively exhausted. James hadn't slept since she'd left the room, he'd stayed up fretting and worrying. "Is everything okay?" She nodded lethargically and climbed into bed next to him, cuddling up against his side protectively. "Lily, are you sure? What happened? Are they okay, are you?"

"Shh, talk in the morning, sleep now." She burrowed herself into James' chest and fell asleep almost instantly. James let out a quiet sigh and brushed some of her hair out of her face, smiling fondly. He kissed her forehead and attempted to get some sleep as well, but it took a long time to even get tired. He couldn't stop thinking about Remus and Sirius because now it was eerily quiet and there was a seemingly gaping hole in the pit of his stomach, something was off.

But, despite everything, he was content.

//

Morning was not as content. It started off fine, James woke up to the bed dipping beside him. Lily wiped some hair out of his face and kissed his temple. "James?" She whispered, this time prodding his cheek with her index finger in an attempted to wake him up. He groaned and swatted her hand away, yawning loudly and burying his face deeper into the pillow. "James?" This time he opened his eyes to gaze up at her while he tried to blink the sleep away. She smiled down at him fondly. "I made breakfast for you guys. Come on, let's go eat."

James got up this time because she had offered him food. He reluctantly climbed out of the warm sheets and grabbed Lily's hand, letting her lead him into the small kitchen. Peter was already seated at the table, eyeing all the food Lily had set out for them to eat. Bacon, sausage, eggs, toast, and various fruits. James had to admit his mouth watered at the sight.

"Can I eat now?" Peter asked. His hopeful eyes made James snicker, but he did his best to hide it with a cough. Lily nodded and rolled her eyes, turning back to face James.

"He waited for you before he began eating," She explained.

"No! You made me wait for him!" Peter was already piling food onto his plate. James took a seat in front of Peter and grabbed a plate of his own, looking up at Lily curiously. "Shouldn't we also wait for Sirius and Remus too, in that case?" He didn't wait for a reply before getting food on his plate, too.

"They're... gone."

"Gone?" James and Peter echoed. Lily nodded at them and handed them each a cup of coffee, both made how they preferred. Peter liked his creamy and sweet, while James just liked his sweet. "What do you mean they're gone? Are they okay? Are they in danger?" James fretted, all food and drink shoved to the back of his mind.

"They're fine, James. They just don't know when to stop trying to be a hero. Neither of them do, I expected it from Sirius, but Remus..." She trailed off and leaned against the counter, sipping on the tea she held in her hands, blatantly ignoring the other two as they tried to drill her for answers.

"Did you help them?" Lily snorted and set her cup on the counter, eyeing them both thoughtfully.

"Of course I helped. They asked for it, I gave it. They wanted to help. Plus, if I hadn't given it to them they would've gotten themselves killed."

"Why'd you let them go?"

"Sirius would've gone alone if he hadn't broken the lamp that woke us all up. He was going to leave Remus again, I'm glad I went down. They would've found out a way anyway, they're sneaky." Lily walked over to the table and sat down, grabbing a piece of toast. "I'm worried too, but it was safer this way."

"Why didn't you come get me?" James pressed. Lily got back a sigh, this answer seemed to be a mixture of all the others.

"You would've tried to stop them, and then when that didn't work you would've gone with them. I didn't want you to leave, too," She replied easily. "Same with you, Pete. But they... they'll be okay. They're far too stubborn to die."

Lily just hoped she was right.


	16. Twenty-four hours- wait, what?

Needless to say, their rescue mission or whatever the hell it was did not go as planned. It was almost as if Lance was waiting for them to be back, or like he was expecting retaliation. James said he'd contacted the wizard authorities, but it seemed to do no good. Sirius always kind of knew it wasn't going to change anything, it was a prickling in his gut that wouldn't go away. They'd been doing this for Merlin knows how long, some authorities wouldn't change that. But, with that thought, Sirius began to wonder why he thought he could do something any different.

Of course, he couldn't, not really. He was all confidence and smiles on the outside, but on the inside, it was a much bigger mess than he'd ever really thought. He had a guilty conscience, and he had a knack for ruining good things because he got scared when things weren't going to hell. He and Remus, his mind backfired and he hurt him in one of the worst ways possible, all because it was going well and he had to mess it up again to feel human. It was horrible, he knew, but as soon as the path seemed to be working out once again, he decided to come rescue people and that in itself would probably end up getting him killed.

He and Remus.

Blue skies don't last forever. Nothing does, and he was finally coming to terms with the fact when things were actually going well he would fuck them up, it was a brand new realization and Sirius had cried and choked on nothing for hours after he figured it out because now he knew his problem and he'd never be able to tell Remus he knew what was going on inside his head because he hadn't seen Remus for a week. But now, Sirius couldn't stop staring. 

He'd seen Remus after countless full moons, scarred and bloody and exhausted, but somehow... right now, Sirius noted, he looked worse than he ever had after a full moon. Maybe not to anyone else, but Sirius couldn't sense something was wrong. His mind was racing, didn't James mention Lance wanted a werewolf to experiment on? Sirius felt sick. This was his bloody fault. He'd hurt Remus yet again, and he didn't even realize what he was doing.

Next thing he knew he was crying once again. He looked so, so weak. Sirius was virtually fine, he was fed and given water, he was treated like a common house pet, cage and all. He'd been there for days on end, and nothing had changed. He'd heard various cries and screams that broke his heart a little more, he was here to help them, not to listen to them while these people slowly killed them.

He felt positively useless because nothing had changed. Not until that day when he finally saw Remus again, he'd tried shouting to wake him but no avail. He looked dead, and the only thing that made Sirius know he was alive is the shallow rise and fall of his chest. Rapid breaths, he was barely getting enough air to his lungs, Sirius could tell. And he could tell because he knew Remus more than he realized he did.

Sirius reached his hands through the cage bars and began pulling at the lock, tugging and scratching it because he began to get screws out of the top of the cage and to try and pick the lock, his fingers were bloody and his fingernails ripped down, but he kept trying because he needed to get Remus out. He needed to apologize because he finally knew what was going on and maybe now that he knew he was able to fix it.

Sirius hadn't felt thing scared and frustrated since he was a measly nine years old, his father had locked him in a cupboard that he barely fit in because he had announced he wanted to get married to one of his favorite male Quidditch players. He didn't know that was wrong at the time, he was fairly sheltered as a child. He had screamed and cried until his voice was raw, banging his fists on the door begging to be let out. His hands bled and contained small splinters and he was terrified.

He wasn't let out for another day when his brother Regulus could no longer bear to listen to his elder brother cry. Sirius had collapsed into his brother's little arms and cried, thanking him between exhausted and thankful sobs. Regulus had awkwardly patted him on the back and stood there as he cried.

Sirius hadn't known anything about sex until his third year at Hogwarts when James had made an offhanded comment about wanting to have a child with Lily, and later that night a nervous thirteen-year-old Sirius climbed into Remus's bed and quietly asked if he'd explain it to him. Remus hadn't laughed, he didn't even seem surprised, he just scooted over and laid on his side to face Sirius, explaining sex as much as he could. Remus's bed was always their safe place, ever since their first year when he had nightmares and Remus had heard him, and insisted he climb into his bed.

Remus... Merlin, that boy had always been there for him and this is how he repays him?

Later in their third year, Remus had come out as gay. Not voluntarily, either one of the Slytherins had seen him tentatively kissing a fourth year Hufflepuff boy named Blake, and proceeded to tell James and Sirius. James had hexed him and made him cry, claiming if anyone found out he'd never be able to see the sunlight again. Sirius had been taken back to being locked in the cupboard, and he had frowned, telling James that was bad. Later that same day, that night, he'd climbed into Remus's bed and asked him to explain it, since James hadn't been much help. He'd found himself crying, claiming he might like boys too. Remus had smiled and told him it was okay.

That boy had a heart of gold. Sirius slumped back into the corner of his cage, a bloody screw held protectively in his hand. He had always forgiven Sirius, even for things he should've been hated for. Remus was the most understanding and the most forgiving person Sirius had ever known. Probably because he was the most understanding and forgiving person the world had ever seen. 

Sirius cradled to nail in his hand for a minute, trying to ease out the pain of bloody fingernails. After a moment, he scrambled over to the lock and shoved the nail inside, violently moving it and twisting it all the while crying and begging for it to fucking unlock! He subconsciously knew it was hopeless, really, because these were really good muggle locks that were probably protected by a few wizarding locks as well, meaning there was no way he was getting free. But, in typical Sirius fashion, he kept trying. He kept crying and letting out choked sobs and frustrated shouts.

But even the most determined people had to stop at some point. Sirius, however, was not as much determined as he was desperate, and throughout his life, he realized desperation proved to be much effective. He finally, finally managed to pop the lock. He practically ripped it off the cage door before swinging it open and stumbled out, crawling over to the cage Remus was in and he started to poke and prod the lock used on Remus's cage with the same nail. But his lock was different.

Much different.

For one, as soon as he touched it he could feel the subtle buzz of magic, dark magic, that he hadn't felt on his. It seemed the lock moved every time he tried to shove the nail inside, but it was the same lock. For a horrifying second, Sirius wondered if they wanted him to get out, that's why the lock was free of magic. He let out another frustrated shout and dug his hands into his hair, tugging and pulling and crying and sobbing like he'd never cried before, quiet "I love you"s and "I'm sorry"s slipping from his chapped lips.

"You really do love him, don't you?" Sirius spun around, and with a desperate shout launched himself at the person behind him, but he was stopped before he could even get within five feet of him. "Very attractive, I agree. Kind, too. But he is a werewolf after all, rather unpredictable, aren't they?" Sirius said nothing and struggled to get out of the arms that held him back. "Would you do anything for him." Even in his desperation, Sirius knew it was a risky question.

"Define anything," Sirius replied, his voice raw and watery, he could taste blood in his mouth.

"Betray your friend James Potter. You tell me his whereabouts and your little werewolf is free. Or, you leave here now and swear on your magic not to tell anyone about this to save James' skin. They both hurt people very close to me, and one of them needs to pay for it." Sirius stopped struggling and went limp, all effort removed from his body and he slumped to the ground.

"Me," he said, a moment later. "They did it for me. Remus came here for me, James came here for me, it's my fault!"

"Then they'll die for you too, won't they?" Sirius couldn't breathe. He didn't know if he wanted to. If he just stopped right then and there he wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath of the mess he'd caused. Both of his friends were self-sacrificing prats who would gladly do it for the greater good, Sirius was too, he would've much rather been killed than either of the two people who meant the most to him.

"Me! Kill me!" He begged. The man clicked his tongue and shook his head, the two men holding him dropped him and let his arms fall to the cold cement floor. "Please! It's my bloody fault, they didn't do anything for themselves, it was for me!"

"You have twenty-four hours." He smiled and slammed the door behind him, bathing the already dark room into a much gloomier atmosphere. Sirius struggled to his feet and looked over at Remus. Remus who was in a cage much like he was, naked and sprawled out across the bottom, out cold, his breath was still rapid and shallow. Sirius really was self-sacrificing too, wasn't he? He'd do anything for his friends, for Remus? He was either going to save both of their asses or die trying.

He picked up the nail he'd dropped and walked over to the door where they had exited, and began banging his fists on the cold metal door as hard as he possibly could. It didn't take long for someone to open the door, and with a heavy heart, Sirius stabbed the man in the neck with the nail. It was very efficient by any means, but he needed to get out and save as many people as he could. He dropped down and searched the man's pocket for a wand, but no avail. Was he a muggle?

He did, however, have a knife on him that Sirius gladly traded the nail for. He lifted his head and look down the empty hall. The blood on his hands was already beginning to feel sticky and he felt sick, he'd never wanted to kill anyone just... seriously injure them. He looked back down at the man and threw up to the side of him. Sirius knew nothing about the man, he might've had a spouse and children... maybe he was just here to pay his bills.

Sirius hated himself just a little bit more.

Sirius heard another scream and it brought him back down to reality. Even so, this man shouldn't have gotten involved in something like this, where people were getting hurt because of it, it wasn't okay and that's why Sirius had come back in the first place.

He looked up again, thankful to see that the hall was still empty. His grip tightened on the knife in his hand, and he stood up on shaky legs, slowly and silently making his way down the hall. Once he came to the place where it branched into two other halls, he looked down both. One was dimly lit and slightly dirtier than the other, meaning it was less used. Sirius let out a breathy sigh and made his way down that hall.

Another scream.

And he wasn't sure if he was glad or absolutely horrified that it sounded closer than it had last time. That meant the people were this way. He continued his way down the hall, the floor beneath his feet felt grimy and dirty, and he was scared to see what awaited him at the end of the hall. The first door he came to was on his left, and he peaked in the small window. It appeared to be a mere storage closet. He continued on, and the next door was bigger, metal, and had no windows. He knew barging in probably wasn't the wisest idea, so he went back. He needed his wand before he could do anything.

As soon as he turned around, he noticed a person at the end of the long hall. Neither person made any movements, they just locked eyes. The man looked... relieved? Sirius didn't like the idea of that, so he didn't take any steps forward. What happened next, however, was the last thing he'd expected. The man lifted one empty hand, palm facing him, and then the other, containing his wand. Sirius gaped, and then his eyes dropped to the small vile around the man's neck, a wicked grin sliding across both of their faces. 

Sirius ran towards him and hugged him, because without a doubt in his mind he knew it was James. James hugged him back and pulled away smiling. "I have two hours, put me to work." There were no other greetings, there didn't need to be. Sirius gave him a brief rundown of what happened, then his brief plan.

"Right now you need to get the other wands, arm as many wizards as we can." James shook his head, looking for too sorrowful for Sirius's liking.

"The only other wand up there was Remus's," James told him.

"What? Last time there were at least ten, I-"

"They're draining them, Sirius. Of their magic. Then they're shipping them off. Then they're dissecting the wands, trying to make one more powerful than the elder wand."

"They survive it?" Sirius whispered. "That kills witches and wizards!"

"He figured out a way to keep them alive. I overheard them talking, they wanted to try it with a werewolf, but every time they try Moony wakes up and fights them off, and when they do get him restrained they can't seem to do it, it's as if the wolf is woven in with his magic and they can't physically do it." That's what was happening to Remus?

"Go guard him, give him his wand if he's awake, I'm letting everyone else go. Get him out James, I can get out on my own."

"I'm not leaving you behind!"

"Yes, you are! I've hurt Remus too many times to count and I'm not going to let him get hurt anymore because of me! Get him out!" James hesitated but finished with a nod.

"But I'm coming back for you, you have-"

"No, no you're not James. Get him out and stay away, if I die, so be it. Lily needs you. Your baby needs a father."

"And Remus needs you."

"Keep him safe for me, James." James gave him a sad, mournful look and hugged him again, before disappearing down the corridor, his heart doing flips because he didn't feel right leaving Sirius behind. He slipped down his own hall and reached the open metal door, noticing Remus sitting up in a cage, naked, eyes wide and horrified. He scrambled to the other side, but James pulled out his wand and tossed it to Remus.

"Remus, it's okay." The boy's eyes glowed a bright amber, and his heart thudded in his chest.

"James?" He nodded and smiled. 

"Yeah, let's get you out of this cage, Moony." Remus visibly slumped in relief and let James get to work on the lock, which proved to be a lot more difficult than he'd expected. Dark magic, the lock radiated it. He wasn't sure how, persistence perhaps, he finally managed to get the lock off. He sighed in relief and all but dragged Remus from his cage. "C'mon, you can do it." James slipped off the vial from around his neck. Remus drank it immediately.

James shoved some clothes in his hands, urging him to get dressed as he changed into someone else he'd managed to pluck a hair off of. Remus slumped against James and let him lead him out. No one questioned anything because, for the most part, they'd managed to avoid people altogether, and once they were out James apparated them away.

Once back at the cabin, Remus fell to the floor and Lily rushed over to him, picking him up and helping him to the couch. "Sirius?" Remus murmured in his half-asleep state. Lily sucked in a breath.

"Not quite, Moony," James replied quietly. Remus, despite everything else, was quick to fall asleep, too exhausted to think. James called Peter down and led them all into another room before telling them what he'd encountered, and how he'd come to leave Sirius behind. Peter was horrified and Lily looked relieved to find out James was okay but terrified that Sirius was still there.

"Are you going back?" Lily whispered. James shook his head.

"He's going to get out, I don't know how yet but... I can feel it in my gut." James didn't feel anything but dread, but he didn't want to tell them that, so instead he gave them a reassuring and half-assed smile.

"Merlin James," Lily whispered, hugging him the best she could with her swollen belly. "I hope you're right." Yeah, so did he.


	17. I love you

Sirius did come back. Of course, he did. How could he leave Remus? There were no explanations or exclamations, no sighs of relief of thankful hugging, reassuring kisses. No, it wasn't like that. Three days after James had left him there, he apparated to the small cabin in the rocky mountains, right into the bedroom he had shared with Remus. Remus was sleeping soundly but awoke with the small pop of Sirius appearing in the room. They locked eyes, neither smiled, neither felt relieved.

Sirius had blood on his hands and his face and clothes, and he was shaking, trembling, crying. Remus silently slipped out of bed and grabbed his bloody hands without a second thought and led him into the bathroom all while murmuring small words of reassurance. The look of fear on Sirius's face broke Remus's heart. He'd missed Sirius, kept calling out for him while he was locked up in that awful place, he couldn't express how thankful he was to once again have him in his arms.

Remus helped him in the shower and helped him clean the blood off his body without a single word. Remus wasn't sure if he wanted to know what happened and he wasn't sure if Sirius was ready, or if he'd ever be ready, to tell him. After the blood was off he did his best to help Sirius with whatever else he needed, and then he climbed into bed. Sirius was soon to follow but in the form of Padfoot. Remus smiled and wrapped his arms around the large dog, and it didn't take long for either to fall asleep.

Morning came far too fast, flickering through the window that they had covered with a small blanket. Sirius was no longer Padfoot when they woke up, and he was clinging to Remus. He smiled and ran a hand through Sirius's still slightly damp hair. "I love you, Remus, you know that, right? I never wanted to hurt you, you mean the world and more to me. While I was trapped in that awful place I realized what's wrong with me." Remus raised his eyebrows and let Sirius take a breath.

"I mess things up. I grew up in a chaotic household, everything was always a fucked up mess and it was unsafe, and I grew up expecting the worst, so when things are going good my instinct is to mess everything up. I get scared something bad will happen and instead of waiting I just do it myself. I don't mean to, Moony, I never wanted to hurt you. I only meant to hurt myself but you got caught in the storm." Remus sighed and placed a kiss on the top of Sirius's head.

"There's no need to explain anything, it happens." Sirius scooted away from Remus to look up at him.

"I can't express how sorry I am, Rem. I'm never going to hurt you again. I promise," Sirius vowed, burying his face back into Remus's chest.

"Siri..."

"Nope! I'm never hurting you again!" Sirius interrupted. "I would hate myself and I..." Remus sighed and tilted Sirius's chin up to meet his eyes.

"We all make mistakes, you'll make more, I'll make more, we're  _human_ , Sirius."

"I love you." Remus smiled and kissed him on his pale chapped lips. Remus's were soft and contrasted against his while their lips moved slowly and lazily. Remus couldn't get enough of him, he was salty and sweet and tasted slightly of blood, but he didn't care. He was Sirius and that was enough for him. After another minute, Sirius pulled away and looked up at Remus again. "Are you doing okay?"

"I feel like someone pulled out all of my organs and haphazardly put them all back, and I can fell Moony buzzing beneath my skin, plus I'm worried about you. Seeing you here, now, makes me feel better but... yeah, yeah I think I'm doing okay." Sirius forced a small smile and sat up, Remus following soon after.

"I should go tell them I'm back, shouldn't I?" Sirius wondered aloud.

"If you want to. You don't have to." Sirius sighed and got up, glancing back at Remus with a small smile.

"I want to see James, he saved you and I owe him my life."  Remus frowned and sat up.

"He left you!"

"He saved the life worth saving," Sirius replied mindlessly, shrugging. Remus grabbed his hands and yanked him back down onto the bed, roughly grabbing Sirius's chin and turn his head to face his. Sirius was slightly surprised by Remus's sudden movements, but he said nothing. His eyes glowed more than usual, meaning Moony was closer to the surface than Remus would like to admit.

"Never say that again. Your life is worth just as much as mine, swear it." Sirius swallowed thickly and tried to stammer a reply, but it came out weak and he wasn't even sure if he knew what he said. 

"Rem..."

"Promise me, Sirius!" Remus looked livid, and Sirius was nearly shaking because he'd never seen Remus like this before.

"I promise, Rem..." Remus dropped his hand and pulled Sirius into a hug like a small child would hug someone for comfort. Sirius was a little taken aback by the gesture but hugged him back all the same. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I just can't listen to you talk about yourself like that." Sirius bit back his reply about it being true and just pulled Remus closer. Sirius only moved when the door opened and Peter's head popped in.

"Sorry to barge in I heard a shout, are you- oh! Sirius! You're back!" Peter scurried into the room and sat next to the two boys.

"Hey, Pete. Are Lily and James up?"

"James is trying to make us breakfast, Lily is still asleep. I just hope he doesn't burn the cabin down." Sirius chuckled and let Remus pull away to turn to Peter.

"Should I go help?" Remus wondered.

"We all probably should. If you're, you know, up for it, Sirius," Peter told him.

"Yeah, yeah I think I'm up for it." They all got up and went into the kitchen, where a surprisingly appetizing breakfast was laid out. "Magic?" Sirius mused.

"Magic. Wait-  _Padfoot?_ " Sirius grinned and smiled as James hugged him. "Merlin, I thought I'd never see you again."

"I'm far too stubborn to die." James pushed him playfully, his tongue felt too big. Because under all the self-confidence and arrogance he was scared, he was scared of dying, James could see straight through him. 

"That's what Lily said when you left the first time," Peter said. Sirius smiled and sat at the table, sighing loudly. "You doing okay, mate?"

"What do you think, Wormtail!" James bit, before he softened and sighed as well. "Sorry, just... he'll talk to us when he's ready." Sirius nodded in confirmation and that was enough for Peter, who sat next to Sirius and stole a piece of bacon off one of the plates.

"Do you want me to go wake Lily?" Remus offered. "So you can finish the eggs?" James nodded thankfully and Remus darted off into the other room. She was lying in bed, stretching her arms high above her head, eyes barely open. Remus grinned, she looked content and happy, smiling up at Remus with cheeks tinted pink with the warmth that being beneath multiple blankets brought.

"Sirius is back, isn't he? You're smiling." Remus couldn't help but smile wider at the comment. Lily untangled herself from the sheets and tossed off the comforter, yawning loudly. "Is he okay?" Remus frowned and shifted his weight between his feet, He was tempted to lie to her and just tell her he was fine, but he knew she could read him like a book, something no one else seemed to be able to do. He didn't want to say no either, because he didn't know exactly... he shook his head.

"That was a stupid question, wasn't it?" Remus said nothing. "It was, I know it was. When did he get back?"

"Last night, he apparated into my room. He was covered in blood, very little of it was his. I don't want to think about what he did to get back out. And Merlin knows he wouldn't leave everyone else there." Remus sighed an exasperated sigh and shook his head. "He has a hero complex and it's going to get him kill one day."

"You love him." It was a question. It was a statement that Remus did not want to answer. He loved Sirius so wholly, it made his heart ache with old wounds, Sirius had ripped out the infected pieces of himself, the toxic parts that were surrounded in scar tissue, exposing them to the open. Sirius was slowly but surely replacing his bad parts with his good ones, stitching Remus back up with rough, yet gentle, hands.

Remus swallowed thickly. Oh dear Merlin, he loved Sirius. He promised himself never to let this happen again, but of course, it does. What more did Remus expect, really? He was a creature of habit and Sirius was a drug, he absorbed him through the skin with every touch and it made his fingertips buzz with the high. He inhaled him with every kiss and it left him a mess who struggled to catch his breath. He injected Sirius into his bloodstream with every thought.

The high was euphoric. He saw stars and drowned in silver-grey pools of nothingness that lapped and licked the edge of his soul, begging it to be devoured. His head felt light as if it would float off his shoulders, his body warmed and it made him calm down. He was a depressant and stimulant, he was the best drug Remus had ever come across. But, every drug has a crash.

The silver-grey pools edged away, leaving Remus cold and grasping for things he could not see in the dark, thirst overwhelming him. His mind was swamped and he couldn't breathe, he was suffocating on the lack of a person. He was swallowing poison everytime he thought of the man he loved so dearly, he was inhaling smoke and it was becoming too much and too thick and eventually, he'd be forced to open the door and let the remnants of everything fade away.

Remus swallowed again and filled his tired lungs with a heavy breath of air, but Lily cut him off before he could reply. "You do. I can see it in your eyes." Remus looked away and blinked many times as if trying to get rid of any evidence. "Oh you big sap, no one's going to notice. I'm a bloody  _girl_ , aren't we hard-wired for things like that?"

"It's a stereotype," Remus told her.

"I do suppose. Well, I notice these things, and if you haven't told him you should. He'd be happier. You'd be happier, and you two would be that much closer to each other." Remus sighed again and ran a hand through his hair, thinking it over. She was right, he knew she was, but goddamn it, he was scared! Scared of his reaction and if he'd be happy or not, he...

"I love him," Remus confirmed for her. There, he said it out loud. That wasn't so bad, was it? Remus knew telling him would be completely different than telling Lily, for one Lily, who he knew he could tell anything. Lily smiled and got up, giving Remus a knowing wink as she left the room. Remus joined a minute later, coming up behind Sirius and wrapping his arms around the taller boy's torso. 

"Hey there, Sirius. I'm getting tired of Colorado, we want to overshoot everything else and just go to Vegas. I want to get married," Lily told him. "We stayed for you, so please hurry your ass up so we can go." Remus hid a small smile. Lily didn't coddle people, she didn't tiptoe around them unless she knew it would be bad if she didn't. 

"Uhh, sure I'll go grab my bag, as well as Rem's." Remus smiled and leaned up to plant a kiss on Sirius's cheek before letting him go.

"I'm worried about him," James deadpanned.

"We all are, Prongs, give him time. He'll come around. If not he'll tell me eventually," Remus assured him. Lily rubbed her fiancee's back and shared a knowing look with Remus. Despite everything, his wall would eventually come crashing and Remus would be there for him. If not Remus, James would be, or maybe Lily or Peter. One of them would be there, but Remus would be lying if he said he didn't want it to be anyone other than him.

Sirius reappeared a moment later with both bags and swooped down to return the kiss on the cheek. Remus grinned and kissed him properly. "Well, let's be off after we eat breakfast, shall we?" James piped up, looking slightly put off by the complete ignorance of the breakfast he'd taken so long to make.

Remus rolled his eyes and tugged Sirius down next to him, holding his hand beneath the table as they ate. He wondered if the butterflies in his belly would ever go away with Sirius, he hoped not. It made him feel excited at the possibilities and everything else that would be and could be with the infamous Sirius Black.

☆After they finished eating, they all piled into the van and drove off, with James and Peter in the front. Remus kept glancing at Sirius, who appeared to be a lot less okay than he was while they were eating their breakfast and laughing at stupid jokes James decided to tell. Remus scooted back and patted his lap, Sirius gladly laid down and put his head on Remus's lap. The werewolf ran his fingers through his long black hair, doing his best to untangle it. "I'm glad you're okay," Remus whispered. Sirius craned his neck and looked up at him.

"I'm not." Remus forced a small smile and shook his head.

"No, I guess that was the wrong way of phrasing it. I'm glad you're safe." Sirius relaxed and turn his head to the side, seeking out one of Remus's hands and linking their fingers together. "I don't think I could bear to lose you again, especially now."

"I love you so much, Rem. You... I don't deserve you. You're so good to me, to everyone. I can't comprehend how you got stuck with me." Remus slid Sirius off his lap and laid next to him, facing him, their noses nearly brushing. "I can't lose you either, not without losing myself." Remus leaned forward just enough so their noses were touching, and he smiled, ever so slightly.

"Never again, okay? I'm yours, and until you decide you no longer want me, I'll always be yours." Sirius simply shook his head, causing Remus's heart to skip a beat.

"You're not property. I don't own you." This time, Remus shook his head.

"Don't you? You own my heart and quite frankly, I think that's owning me." Sirius sighed and kissed him, both to shut him up and to show how thankful he was to have him in his life.

"You two are so fucking cute what the hell?" Remus pulled away and looked passed Sirius at Lily, who was looking at them over the top of her book. Remus rolled his eyes and tucked his head into the crook of Sirius's neck, breathing in the scent of smoke and rain that seemed to always been coming from Sirius. Small hints of firewhiskey too, a hint of spice beneath everything else.

"Shh, Lily you embarrassed the poor Remmy poo." 

"If you ever call me that again I will end you." Sirius chuckled and wrapped his arms around Remus, holding him close. 

"Yeah, but you wouldn't hurt me. You love me." And he did. But Sirius didn't need to know that yet.

"Don't be so sure, Padfoot, Remus is a man of his word," James mused from the front. Sirius snorted and buried his nose in Remus's hair, making the smaller boy smile. "Then again, the worst he'd probably do is kick you."

"But where?" Remus said innocently. 

"Hmm, guess it's a good thing I don't like women and I won't need to be making any children," Sirius joked. Remus chuckled and lifted his hands above him, tangling his hands in Sirius's hair and gently tugging his head down so he could kiss him again. Neither of them seemed to be able to kiss the other enough, they'd been so worried about each other for so long, and now they were finally together again. They were finally okay.

"Get a room!" Peter teased, clicking his tongue. Remus flipped him off and pulled away, continuing to run his hands through Sirius's hair despite the awkward position.

"We would if we weren't in a bloody van, Wormy." Peter rolled his eyes and turned back to face the road. "How long is the drive to Las Vegas anyway?"

"About eight hours. Give or take," Remus replied. 

"Eight hours!?" Remus chuckled and nodded, sitting up and pulling Sirius after him.

"Turn around, let me braid your hair," Remus requested. Sirius complied without a second thought, and he smiled.

"How do you know how to braid hair?" Remus lifted a finger and lazily pointed it at Lily while he separated Sirius's hair and did his best to get rid of any remaining knots in his hair. "But why?" Remus shrugged. Truth be told, he wanted to learn for this reason: to braid Sirius's hair. It was in fifth year when he'd enlisted the help from Lily. He'd never had the guts to ask Sirius if he could, however. It was an odd request and he was worried Sirius would think it was weird.

"He's better at it than I am!" Lily mused. Remus was tinted pink with embarrassment on the comment. He hadn't practiced since his Hogwarts years on Lily when she'd let him.

"I'm not surprised, Remus seems to be good at everything."

"Not everything."

"Name one thing you're not good at." That was James, butting into the conversation as he often did.

"Knitting." Knitting? Remus mentally slapped himself. He couldn't have come up with something,  _anything,_  other than knitting? It was a joke Sirius made one day, about him loving knitted jumpers so much he should just learn to make them. Remus did just that, but instead of learning to knit he just kept failing, so he eventually gave up after months of desperate trying.

" _Knitting?_ " Sirius echoed in surprise.

"It was your fault!"

"My- what?"

"You joked and said if I liked knitted jumpers so much I should just learn to make them." Remus shrugged and tied off the braid in Sirius's hair, smiling at his work.

"You mean..." Sirius trailed off and let out a small bark of laughter. "All those stupid jokes influenced you that much?" Remus blushed and shrugged. "I never meant to... I'm sorry, I just..."

"I know, Siri, you just make jokes like that. It's what you do, and it was harmless enough. I was the one who thought it was a good idea, you don't have to apologize. If anything, you showed me the one thing I was good at," Remus replied.

"The only thing at that," Lily butted in happily. 

"Like you're much better!"

"You're right, I can knit!"

"You can _knit_?" James asked, cearly baffled.Lily let out a small giggle and bobbed her head up and down, confirming his statement. "Are you good at it?"

"I would say so." 

"Be careful, Lils, Remus might ask you to knit him a sweater," James teased.

"And I'd do it for him."

"Would you really?" Everyone in the car laughed at Remus's genuine question. "It's just- I'd love a sweater from you."

"What color?"

"Like- an autumn orange?" Remus suggested. "Like fall leaves at Hogwarts."

"I can do that." Remus smiled a toothy smile and turned back to Sirius, who was currently sifting through tapes. "Can I pick one?" Sirius glanced up and handed Lily the bag of tapes. "Hmm, mostly classic muggle rock. I'm both surprised and not surprised, Sirius."

"I wish I grew up in the seventies, at least they had good music," Sirius sighed. Remus chuckled and laid down again, resting his head on Sirius's lap.

"They did," Remus agreed. "But we wouldn't have been accepted as a couple as easily," He pointed out.

"Hmm, fair point, fair point... you're worth more to me than music. I'd give up music if it meant losing you." Remus chuckled and grabbed Sirius's hand to hold.

"You two are _so_  fucking cute."

"Thank you, James," Sirius replied.

"Hey, Siri?"

"Yes, Rem?"

"I love you."

"Aw, Rem, I love you too."

"So fucking cute."


	18. Do you... Will you?

James and Lily got married in a small chapel in Las Vegas a week later. James had a couple glasses of wine to calm his nerves and Lily had babbled about all of her insecurities to Remus had ended up drinking four glasses of wine to calm his nerves, while Sirius had drunk five and Peter seven. They both stood there nervously laughing and sharing brief kisses while the preacher married them, and even the preacher couldn't keep the smile off his face because they weren't drunk. They were happy and (mostly) sober.

Remus stood at Lily's side and Sirius stood at James' side. Peter was a little put out, but was quickly cheered up when Lily and James gave him the job of presenting their rings. It was the most informal wedding any of them had been too, with unnecessary laughter and kisses while the preacher was talking, Remus and Sirius were whispering to each other and Peter kept gaping, but Lily and James didn't care, all their focus was on each other.

The after party was still just as calm, they wandered back to their hotel and gambled, while Lily and James kept looking at each other and whispering "I can't believe we're married." Because after Lily hated him for six years, it was hard for all of them to believe. But they were all happy, so, so happy.

But in Remus's mind, that night would always be the one where everything turned out okay. They were doing better, they were happy, but Remus knew it wouldn't last. He could feel in it his bones, something would happen before they all got their happy ending and it made him uneasy and weary because he felt closer to his friends than ever before, he had come out of his shell and he'd been himself for the first time in a long time. He couldn't lose any of them, but everything felt wrong.

That night in their hotel room, Sirius was laying on his back, still giddy and talkative from the alcohol and Remus's mind was slow and a little off because he'd drank too, but that didn't matter because he wasn't drunk, his brain just wasn't functioning as it usually did. He wanted to marry Sirius, he knew he had since he realized he was crushing on him in their fourth year. If something were to go wrong, he would want Sirius to know how much he loved him, and how much he meant to him.

So, while he laid there, while Sirius tangled his hair and drunkenly babbled about one of his pranks with James in their second year, Remus debated. He debated with himself for letting four little words slip from his lips. If he said no, he could always blame it on the wine, couldn't he? Would Sirius believe that? He hoped so. Remus blinked and looked up at Sirius, causing him to stop talking midsentence. 

"Hey, Siri?" Sirius hummed in response, looking down at the tawny-haired boy in his arms. They were in love, they  _knew_  each other. Remus knew it was rushed, but if something were to happen to them... he couldn't have Sirius without knowing how much Remus felt for him, how strongly he loved him and how serious he was about their relationship. He refused to lose him again. And if he were to die he wanted Sirius to know this was real, if it couldn't happen later he still wanted it to happen. If Sirius died, well, Remus wanted him to die knowing how he felt. "Will... you know do want to... marry me? Will you marry me."

Sirius said nothing in reply, not at first, he just laughed. Chuckled as if Remus had simply told him a joke, and Remus's heart sank, but a moment later he was thrown from Sirius's chest as he sat up, eyes wide and looking down at Remus. Remus looked back at him with a similar expression because what the bloody hell was that all about? "What?" Sirius gasped, leaning slightly forward. "You're joking, right?"

"What? No! Why would I be jo-"

"You must be! Why would you want to marry me, in the first place? I've been a total dick to you-"

"Sirius! No, you haven't, well ma-"

"And second! We're so young, Rem! And we  _just_  got back together as a proper couple and-"

"I  _know_ Sirius but I lo-"

"Third! You're Remus!" Sirius was flinging his hands all over the place, shocked with wide eyes and nervous stammers. "You never do something this spontaneous! You're Remus! You think before doing things like this! You make a detailed plan, and you-"

"Sirius!"

"Is it just because James and Lily got married? You know, just because they got married doesn't mean  _we_  have to. I mean, that's  _James and Lily_  and we're..."

"We're us, Sirius." Remus took the opportunity of Sirius calming down to grab his hands and sit next to him, rubbing small circles on the back of his hands, looking into his eyes with a small smile. "We're Remus and Sirius, Moony and Padfoot, we were soulmates before Lily even thought about kissing James."

"Don't feel obligated to marry me because I want to marry you, that's a cruel joke, Remus," Sirius croaked. He looked like he was going to cry, did he really think this was a joke or was the wine playing his emotions a little bit too much? Or maybe a bit of both. "Please don't joke about something like this..."

"I'm not joking. I want to marry you. Not necessarily here in Vegas, but maybe as soon as we get home we can invite everyone and plan it and get married and get drunk and fall in love all over again because I love you and I have for a long time, though I never wanted to admit it then." Remus smiled slightly and kissed Sirius's knuckles. "But I'm not joking, Sirius. I want to marry you."

"You're not joking," Sirius breathed. "I killed so many people."  Remus's heart sank for the second time that night. Of course he's wanted Sirius to talk to him about it, but not because he felt obligated to. Did he feel obligated to because Remus had just proposed? He certainly hoped not.

"Sirius-"

"No, if you really, truly want to marry me you should know what I did to get out of that place." Remus nodded and dipped his head to let Sirius continue even though he looked like he was going to cry. He probably was going to. "Someone took my wand but I still had a knife and... oh Remus I... so many innocents... everyone who worked there I... I needed to get people out of cages that were too small for them, woman, witches, children... so many of them. So much blood."

"Sirius you did what you want to do," Remus told him softly. Sirius shook his head and looked back down at Remus with teary eyes.

"So... so much blood..." Sirius repeated. Remus kissed the back of his hand and pulled Sirius in for a hug, letting him cry on his shoulder. He gripped his shirt with his shaking fists, and cried and sobbed and Remus knew it took a lot of strength for Sirius to be this vulnerable, even in his half-drunken state he could see Sirius didn't want to do this. It took a long while and a lot of loud sobbing before he calmed down. When he did, he looked up and grabbed Remus's cheeks in his hands, kissing him softly.

"I'm so lucky," Sirius breathed out. "I love you so fucking much. I'm so lucky, I don't deserve you. I fucking love you what the fuck." Remus gripped Sirius hips when he climbed into his lap, kisses growing more passionate, more eager, and Remus found himself moaning into Sirius's mouth when he started grinding his hips down on his. But he pulled away for too soon and dried his eyes and his cheeks, pulling Remus to stand up with him.

"What are you-"

"Get down," Sirius ordered, pointing to the spot in front of him. Remus shifted his weight between his feet uneasily. Was Sirius, well, serious?

"Sirius I'm not giving you a blow job right now-" Sirius cut him off with a horrified expression and a small chuckle.

" _No_ , not that. Get down, like, down on one knee. Propose to me again. Properly." 

"Oh," Remus breathed. "Look-"

"Please?" Remus sighed and dropped down on one knee, fishing a small ring out of his pocket. It was his father's. Because Remus never wore jewelry of any sort, he always kept it in his pocket for safekeeping, he never meant to propose to Sirius using the ring, but it did have sentimental value a new, shiny ring wouldn't quite have.

"Okay, um... Sirius Orion Black, would you do me the honor of becoming my fiancee? The only person I want to spend the rest of my life with, my partner in crime, my-"

"Okay you sap, you can stop now." Remus grinned and gazed up at Sirius. "Of course I'll marry you. Is that even a question? I've wanted to marry you for a long time, I can't... isn't this too rushed?"

"Can I be honest?" Remus wondered slowly. Sirius's joking expression slowly faded and he nodded slowly, suddenly the mood suddenly more somber.

"I should hope so, we're engaged now." Remus forced a small smile.

"Something's going to happen. I can feel it, something isn't okay and I won't let either of us die without knowing I love you and I'm very serious about pursuing this." Sirius nodded slowly, processing what he was saying.

"Then let's take it one step further and actually get married. Let's just do it like Lily and James did, I want your last name. Sirius Lupin. I... I'm not rushing you, right?" Remus grinned and shook his head.

"Rent a couple suits, get the other three to join. Maybe tomorrow?" They were both so blissfully happy but both of them were absolutely terrified it wouldn't last.

"What makes you so sure something's going to happen?" Sirius wondered, finally slipping the ring Remus had presented him with on his ring finger.

"Call it intuition. We can't get out of something that big by killing a few people." Sirius nodded and pulled Remus back into bed with him, holding him protectively.

"Say it again, please? I missed it."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Rem."


	19. We have a lifetime...

They got married the next day as they had planned the previous night.

James and Lily had shared a brief, worried glance, so Remus explained the situation in a way where it wouldn't worry them. He told them that, because of everything they'd gone through, they couldn't go through it again, they needed each other and this, although rushed, was the best way to do it. They loved each other and that was enough for them, the newly married couple and then smiled and told them if that was best, they'd support them. Peter, on the other hand, was ecstatic from the very start.

Sirius had rented out a white suit for their wedding because he wanted to do something that he usually wouldn't do to surprise Remus. Lily had immediately insisted on doing his hair as well as his makeup, and of course, Sirius wasn't going to say no to her. She brushed his hair back until it was soft and fluffy, and she tucked the lily she had worn during her wedding behind his ear with a smile.

She did a silvery and subtle eyeshadow, with soft pink lipstick. Sirius kept thanking her for doing this and supporting them despite everything he'd done repeatedly until she finally got sick of hearing it. She had smiled and let out a chuckle. "He loves you and it'll make him happy. Remus is my best friend, and I'd do almost anything to keep him happy, to keep him smiling. He's been through so much, he deserves a happy ending."

They each picked out their rings for each other before the wedding. Remus and James had gone together, and Sirius, Peter, and Lily. Of course, the rings couldn't be silver, so Sirius had opted on getting a plain, white gold band with a French engraving,  _lune liée_ , meaning moon-bound. They had both agreed on engravings in French since Sirius had been fluent as a child, but had since forgotten most, and Remus just found the language beautiful.

"Are you sure he'll be okay with that?" Peter asked as they left the shop. Sirius wasn't entirely sure, but he knew he wouldn't hate him for it. In fact, he was pretty sure Remus would understand why he got a ring with that specific engraving: he wanted to show he was truly okay with him being a werewolf.

"I'm pretty sure," Sirius told him. Peter looked down at the small box Sirius was carrying in his hand and shook his head. 

"I like it, Sirius," Lily reassured him, shooting an accusing glare towards Peter, who shrugged in reply. "He'll love it, I'm sure."

Remus and James, on the other hand, were struggling to think of a ring. They were looking at the closest wizarding jewelry store. "Would he like gold?" Remus asked fretfully, running a hand through his hair. "Or white gold? Maybe black gold, or rose gold?" James chuckled and shook his head, running his fingers through his shaggy hair to get it out of his eyes as James often did when he was nervous. 

"Rose gold is usually mixed with silver, so I wouldn't aim for that one," James told him. "White gold isn't very 'Sirius' so I wouldn't recommend that one, but plain gold and... black gold? Is black gold a thing?" Remus nodded and launched into how it was made and what it was mixed with to get the blackish color, James just nodded along. "He'd like black gold, it's very..."

"Sirius?" Remus supplied cheekily. James grinned and nodded, so that's what they went with. While they did this, Remus kept wondering why James was helping him instead of Sirius, they were brothers in every single way except for blood. Sure, James and Remus were also incredibly close but not like he was with Sirius. Plus, Remus was closer to Lily than Sirius was, so the whole idea was a little bit off to him, not that he'd say anything, because he was definitely enjoying James' company.

"You're sure he'll like it, the engraving, too?" Remus fretted as they left the shop, examining the ring. James sighed and slung his arm around Remus's shoulders, looking at him with a lopsided grin.

"You could get him a fake ring and he'd be estatic. Sirius, when we were younger, used to be so scared that he'd never get married. And now, here we are, getting ready for his wedding, and he's marrying you. He's happy, I promise. He'll be happy with the ring, don't worry," James assured him. "You're sure about this? It's not some..."

"No, it's not anything like that. I love him, Prongs, I..." 

"I get it, don't worry." Remus sighed and swallowed back the growing lump in his throat. 

"I'm just worried Sirius isn't as invested in this as I am," Remus admitted. "He said he still loved me, all those years, I can't help but wonder if it's not true." 

"Don't worry, he's sincere. He's invested. I think Sirius is the kind of person who's destined to love one person their entire life. And for him, that person is you. Marlene was kind of like a backup plan. He never did love her." Remus fought back another protest and said nothing, he just nodded. 

After they got the ring, Remus realized he needed a suit. James was immediately on board to help him find one. Remus was dead-set on getting a plain black one, but James drifted towards the ones that were different colors. Red, pink, blue, white, gold, anything but black. Remus kept shooting them down, but finally James presented him with one that was a pale grey with a dark tie. Remus knew there was no point in protesting, he didn't mind it and James seemed to love it.

"Fine!" Remus said with an exasperated sigh. James grinned and went off to pay for the tux, while Remus left the store and went outside, looking up and down the busy streets. There were so many people here, he briefly wondered if any of them were getting married today, or the next day, or any day after that.

The wedding itself was much like James and Lily's, small, informal, and fairly quick. Sirius admittedly shed a few tears when he saw Remus, and Remus just kissed him hard in return before anything began. The rings were presented, and Remus loved his, the color and the engraving, and Sirius loved his in return, it read star strung, or  _étoile enfilée_  in French.

They were both glad to get married. Most places wouldn't marry gay couples, so the fact they had this opportunity made them both giddy with happiness and excitement. After the deed was done, Sirius wouldn't stop touching Remus. Holding his hand, his arm wrapped around his waist, fingers tousling his hair, kissing him. No matter what it was, Sirius was touching him because _Merlin_ , Remus was here, he was real, and Remus was his  _husband_. 

Remus, similarly, couldn't take his eyes of Sirius unless he was touching him. Sirius looked just short of perfection, his usually straight hair had a slight curl to it, his stormy grey eyes made the silver around them stand out, and it made his eyelashes seem longer. His lips looked so kissable, so every time Remus felt the urge to kiss him he did, and it was quite often. His white suit complemented his skin and his figure so perfectly, and his new ring... he was just shy of perfection, he really was.

Sirius was watching Remus just as intently. His curly hair was still a messy mop, and his freckles stood out on his pale skin in the dim street lights. The ring glistened on his finger, and Sirius's stomach erupted in butterflies at the thought, because that ring proved Remus was his to have and to hold, to love. He was happy, and that wasn't going to change for quite some time, he knew. Remus looked happy too, they all were, even Peter who had found a girl to flirt with for the night.

They stumbled into their room slightly buzzed, clinging to each other as they giggled and laughed, courtesy of the wine. The night was finally calm, they shared sleepy kisses and small secrets throughout the night, and nothing more. 

"You  _what_?" Remus gasped, bursting into yet another fit of giggles. Sirius couldn't help but laugh along with him, tipsy Remus and tipsy Sirius couldn't contain their laughter, and it made for quite a sight.

"No! Really! In fourth year I threw Snape's wand into the Black Lake! He never reported it missing and to this day I never know if he found it," Sirius told him, causing another eruption of giggles to take over both of them.

"I can't believe you! Why didn't you tell me?"

"I knew you wouldn't approve so I never told anyone, not even James and he would've thought it was brilliant." Remus finally stopped giggling when Sirius placed a chaste kiss on Remus's forehead. "Your go."

"I can't believe I'm... before you and I got together, I snogged Frank Longbottom in an empty classroom. He was confused about his sexuality and I was still mad at you for not noticing how I felt, so I helped him experiment. As it turns out, he was strictly into girls, specifically Alice, oh, what was her last name? She and Lily never were close." Remus sighed contently and yawned loudly, resting his head on Sirius's chest.

" _Frank?_  Out of all the blokes at Hogwarts, you chose  _him_?" Sirius chided, shaking his head. "You could've done much better, Moony."

"Hey! He asked, I just accepted! Plus, it was only to get back at you. And he wasn't unattractive, anyway. I couldn't done worse. Well, I did, I am married to you after all," Remus teased. Sirius chuckled and ran a hand through Remus's messy hair. "You still have your makeup on."

"I know, but I don't want to move to take it off." Remus yawned again and nodded in agreement.

"Moving seems like a very bad idea," Remus agreed. "But we're still in our suits, I won't be comfortable sleeping in it." After agreeing, Sirius took off his and helped Remus out of his, before they climbed beneath the bed sheets and resumed their previous position, no implications of any sexual contact. "You can just take off the makeup in the morning, I'm tired."

"Me too."

"Should we sleep, then?" Remus wondered.

"But I want to keep talking to you."

"We have a lifetime to talk, I'm not going to go anywhere, Sirius. I love you, now get some sleep."

"Yes, sir!" Sirius exclaimed with a mock solute. Remus elbowed him in the ribs and rolled his eyes.

"Get some sleep, asshole."

//

They woke up to the dim morning sun creeping in through the dingy windows. Streams of light littered the carpeted hotel floor in thin lines, illuminating the dust that floated around their room. Sirius didn't want to be awake, not yet, the clock on their bedside table read just past six. Remus was still asleep in his arms, so he didn't dare move. His grip on the man in his arms tightened when sirens went off outside, but he imaged that was a common occurrence in Las Vegas.

Sirius blinked his eyes a couple times and yawned quietly, burying his nose into Remus's mop of hair in an attempt go back to sleep. But despite how tired and completely worn out his body was, his mind was still racing a mile a minute, and that was what kept him awake. Because Merlin, he was  _married_. He got married yesterday, to his first and hopefully his last love. Despite the overwhelming, breathtaking happiness, he had his doubts.

Like... did Remus really, truly want to marry him? Or was it this great grand scheme to get back at him for everything he'd done over the years. If that were the case, Sirius wouldn't be able to blame him, not really, he had been awful to Remus for many years before. He was also worried that Remus knew something none of the others did, he always was incredible intuitive. So, if Remus said one of them was going to die before they got home, one of them was probably going to die before they got home, and it made him sick to his stomach. He often wondered how Remus always seemed to know these things, he always figured it had to do with the fact Remus was a werewolf.

Sirius shifted his hips and repositioned himself so he was in a more comfortable position, thankfully not waking up Remus in the process. He let out a sigh and began to run his fingers through Remus's hair, which felt softer than it usually did. He stayed like that for quite some time, tangling his slim fingers into his fine strands of tawny hair with hints of glistening silver, gazing down at his husband fondly. He looked so... peaceful while he slept, his face free of worry. Sirius couldn't help but smile again, Remus wasn't the type of person who'd do this as some sort of revenge, Remus was kind, caring and how he ended up with someone like Sirius Black, no one but Remus would ever know.

Sirius sighed and moved again. He really did need to take a shower, he still had make-up caked to his face and it was now smeared and messy, he wanted to clean up before Remus woke up. But, of course, that didn't work out very well. As soon as he pulled away from Remus, a gentle hand touched his hip, making him freeze. He turned back to look at Remus, who chuckled and gave him a soft, fond smile.

"You've got a little..." Remus motioned to his own eyes. Sirius grinned and shook his head.

"Yeah, I know. I'm gonna go shower, clean up a bit," Sirius told him. Remus raised his eyebrows and grinned cheekily. "Alright, c'mon." Remus beamed and scrambled to get out of bed, heading towards their bathroom. Sirius followed behind at a slower pace, taking this time to admire his ass, before shaking his head in amusement. And  _damn_ , did he love him.


	20. The stars are bright tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the second half of this chapter is a flashback

They left Las Vegas two days later, desperate for somewhere to take Remus with the full moon approaching, and James was eager to get Lily away from such a big city when she hit eight months pregnant. Wizards and witches developed children a bit faster than usual, just by a few weeks to a month, so she could go into labor at any time. Remus was happy for her, but from the trauma the wolf had endured a couple of weeks before, Remus was weaker this moon than he usually was.

The moon was three days away when they arrived in a small city right outside the border of California, containing two small hotels and a few other stores, as well as a restaurant and a building both large enough and empty enough for Remus to transform during the moon. Sirius was worried about Remus, he always seemed to worry before the few moons, especially the past few months. But this moon was already taking a toll on him, he was tripping over his feet and could barely stay awake, he was physically and mentally exhausted.

Sirius had resorted to half-carrying Remus as they checked into their motel and got their rooms, this time Peter shared with Remus and Sirius so he wouldn't be alone if Sirius went out, he didn't want to leave Remus alone at all. Peter was wary about being alone with Remus in such a state because if something did happen he wouldn't know what to do, he wasn't the most helpful. 

Remus was in bed most of the first day, reading and eating small, light foods like soup and crackers while Sirius was happily curled into his side, asking Remus to read to him whenever he came to a part where Remus smiled or laughed. Sirius would also keep a cup of tea nearby, both for him and Remus to share.

As the moon grew nearer, Remus continued to grow weaker. His already pale skin lost even more of its color and his freckles stood out even more in such a state. He was also cold and clammy, Sirius constantly held his hands. Plus, he could barely stay awake and his usual amber eyes glowed brightly, a clear sign of the wolf. His mannerisms became more animal-like, he wouldn't let anyone other than Sirius and Lily in the room, maybe James if he was lucky.

But Sirius didn't really leave the room the last couple days before the full moon to begin with. He was scared to leave Remus alone at this point, he no longer wanted Peter near him at all. He wouldn't let James get too close, and Lily (the only other person he allowed to get close to him) was too pregnant now to do anything drastic if she needed to do, but regardless, she did her best to stay near Remus, fully aware of the potential danger.

So, on the day of the full moon, James and Sirius left to go "werewolf proof" the building they planned to take Remus to, making sure no one heard anything or saw anything, three hours before sundown. Remus was fast asleep with Lily watching over him, caring for him if he needed it, while Peter stayed in a completely different room. At first, Peter had been in the room next to Remus's, but he wouldn't sleep with him so near. 

Everything was going fine for a while, up until one hour before moonrise. Peter was in his room fiddling with his wand, half asleep and doing his best to listen for any odd noises coming from their room. James and Sirius were currently on their way back to the motel where Lily was reading and Remus had finally woken up. Lily was just about to ask him if he needed anything now that he was awake, but he let out a loud scream of pain before Lily could get any words out. She knew what was happening and her blood turned to ice. She cast a quick silencing charm before turning back to Remus.

He was transforming and the moon wasn't even up yet.

She felt a wave of fear rush over her as he contorted, bringing his hands in close to his chest. Lily was torn between running and staying. Remus hadn't had to do this alone in a long while, so she decided tonight wasn't going to be any different. Lily, against her better judgment, got nearer to Remus and gently touched his mop of hair, whispering quiet words of reassurance through low whimpers and screams.

"Get out, Lily!" Remus growled. Lily felt sick when she saw Remus's bones twisting and popping out of place to turn him into the dark part of himself, the one he wanted no one to see. "Please, Lily! I don't... I don't want to hurt you or your baby." Remus let out another low cry of pain, but Lily stood her ground despite her shaking hands. 

"No, you won't!" Lily argued stubbornly. Remus gazed up at her with those bright glowing eyes, making Lily shift on her feet uncomfortably. "I won't let you be alone."

"I have to do this alone. I'm changing before the moon," he panted, stumbling out of the bed, landing on his hands and knees. Lily did want to run, the sight was horrible. Blood was dripping onto the already dirty carpet, and she knew if he stayed she'd get hurt, she and her baby. "Only dark magic can induce this, I don't want you to be in the wake whatever I may cause." Lily swooped down and planted a kiss on top of Remus's head, casting a few more charms to secure the room even further.

"I love you, Remus. Don't die on me." She gave a weak smile and slipped out of the room, shutting the door behind her. Remus was still twitching and panting, laying on the floor waiting for the transformation process to finally take place, but it was already taking too long. His nose had halfway turned into a snout, his hands had grown nails but had yet to turn into paws, some of his bone structure was canine and some had remained human, leaving him painfully sobbing on the floor.

He didn't know how long it was before he heard Sirius's voice on the other side of that door, maybe it was two minutes and maybe it was ten. The door opened a moment later and the next thing he knew rough hands grabbed his frail body and helped him outside, into the van. He heard arguing, crying, and fearful voices. The smell of fear was overwhelming, making his head she with every breath in.

The moon was peaking over the horizon when they got there, herding Remus inside. But before he made it inside, the wolf finally took full control. He felt fur sprouting from his hands and he felt the final pieces of bone cracking into place, a new smell invading his senses, but it was all too familiar. But, to his horror, he lost full control of himself before he could warn any of the others. 

He woke up. The smell that filled the room made him want to go back to sleep and stay that way. The distinct and sour, rotten smell of death was lingering in the air. Remus could hear sobbing from a few feet away from him, and he could feel hands running through his hair. Had he killed someone? Peter, James, Lily? Or, Merlin forbid,  _Sirius_? The hands in his hair felt too familiar, and he could hear him murmuring to him. 

"Sirius?" Remus croaked. Another loud sob echoed through the room, and then another, both from different people. "Who's dead?" The sobbing grew, from both bodies, and then Remus felt himself crying because he couldn't hear to of the people he loved the most crying so loudly, they sounded so weak and broken and Remus didn't know why, or what he had done. "What did I do?"

"Nothing, love, you didn't do anything." That was Sirius, and Remus couldn't help the sigh of relief that he breathed. "I'm so glad you're alive, I couldn't bear to lose you, too."

"Who died?"

"You saved my life." And that was Lily, her voice so quiet and broken and he knew who had died. Remus finally opened his eyes and scrambled to sit up, ignoring his own pain as his eyes scanned the room. They found Lily first, hunched over a limp and bloody body, tears dripping from her cheeks and onto the corpse.

"James," Remus breathed. "No!" Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and pulled him into his chest, preventing him from rushing over to the body of his friend. "Let me go, Sirius!" Remus cried, struggling to get away from his husband. "This can't have happened, it...  _no!_ " Remus finally stopped struggling and turned to bury his face into Sirius's chest. "What happened?"

"Peter," Sirius hissed through gritted teeth. "He wanted us to come to California so bad to sell us out." Remus loud out another sob. 

"Someone else was here. A girl, a wolf..." Remus trailed off and he felt Sirius's heart rate speed up, making him feel sick. "It was the person I bit, wasn't it? It was Marlene, wasn't it? It was all my fault, wasn't it?" 

"No! It wasn't your fault, it was Marlene's fault for sticking her arm in a cage with a fully grown werewolf expecting it to leave unarmed," Sirius told him, petting down his hair. 

"James is dead because of me," Remus breathed.

"No, Rem, you-"

"If I hadn't been stupid enough to go get you that close to a full moon this never would've happened!" Remus cried, finally breaking free from Sirius grasp and crawling over to James, sitting next to Lily. His eyes were opened and glassed over, his lips slightly parted with a trail of dry blood running down his cheek. He felt blood soaking into his bare knees were he knelt. Remus reached out his hand and gently closed James' eyes, letting out another loud sob.

Lily gently touched Remus's shoulder, but he shook her off and scooted away, eye still firmly fixed on James' lifeless body. "It wasn't your fault, Remus," Lily assured him with her already broken voice.

"It is." 

"No, it's not, Rem." Sirius got closer, and Remus only scooted further back, sobbing harder than he'd ever cried before. Remus knew he was responsible, despite what they all told him it was his fucking fault, he knew it! "Hey, Rem," Sirius whispered. Now he was crying too, not that he hadn't been before. They were all crying and sobbing and wishing to whatever gods their were that this was a dream and James would be okay.

"Stay away!" Remus begged, wrapping his arms around himself, freely crying and sobbing, with snot and blood dripping onto the floor beneath him. "I'm a monster," Remus whispered. Sirius fell back onto his knees and began crying fully now, much like Remus was. And Lily, who hadn't moved away from James' corpse, knelt over him and buried her face into his unmoving chest, crying just as hard as the rest of them.

"I'm a monster," He repeated, looking down at the blood on his hands, the scratches and the pain that filled his body.

"You saved our lives," Sirius sobbed.

" _What?_ " 

"You killed Marlene!"

" _What?_ " Remus repeated. "Will one of you please tell me everything that happened?" Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but Lily was the one who explained everything.

//

☆ After Sirius had mostly gotten Remus inside the building, he turned into Padfoot and pulled him the rest of the way inside. James was trying to keep Lily away, but before they could really do anything about it, a large figure leapt into view, causing Lily to stumble back into the building. Padfoot got in between her and Moony, while James drew his wand and stood in between her and the other large figure.

Another werewolf. 

The sight of it immediately made James feel sick, Sirius had told him Remus had bitten someone, who knew that someone would track them down and end up cornering them between two full grown werewolves. Padfoot was growling at Moony, who kept trying to get to Lily and James, while James did his best to keep the other one at bay.

"Who did he bite?" James hissed. One of his arms was holding his wand and the other one was outstretched to protect Lily. Peter, who was cowering behind a nearby stack of boxes, smirked ever so slightly.

"Marlene," He replied. James turned to look back at Padfoot who's eyes were wide and filled with fear, then Peter, who looked far too smug for his liking. James then turned back to the werewolf, who had seemed to forget all about the people, solely focusing on Remus. Moony was the same, eyes narrowed, lip raised, worried about another werewolf in his territory.

"You lying, conniving piece of shit!" James snarled. "You're going to get us all killed! That's why you wanted to come to California so bad..." Peter batted his eyes innocently with a nod and turned into a Wormtail, scampering in between a few stray boards and into the building. James, who was overcome by fury let his guard down for a split second, wondering if he should kill Peter now for putting his pregnant wife in danger, and at the moment, Marlene leapt at Lily. 

James didn't hesitate to put himself between Marlene and Lily. Having a full grown wolf land on you was not a pleasant experience, James decided, especially when it's intent was to kill the victim. James struggled beneath her for a minute, before the weight was knocked off him in the form of Moony, snarling and spitting, before trying to take a leap at James. But this time, Padfoot got in the way, once again leaving Lily vulnerable.

She didn't even have her wand, so desperate to go with them so Remus could transform safely she had forgotten it. With Moony distracted by Padfoot and Marlene focused on Lily, James didn't hesitate to put himself between the two of them, except this time he wasn't so lucky. The weight of the wolf made him fall just as he had last time, but this time her heavy paws landing on both sides of his chest, and from the pain that fluttered through his chest he knew he broke something.

Next thing he knew his shoulder felt warm and wet and pain blossomed through him. He blinked and looked up at the wolf who now had a bloody maw, teeth bared. James lifted his fingers the where his neck met his shoulder, and pulled back a bloody hand. Once he heard Lily scream the reality of the situation hit him. He was dying. As soon as he realized, everything felt ten times more painful.

His head felt light, but so heavy he couldn't even lift his. He felt blood in his mouth but his throat felt dry, he couldn't talk. As he lay there, gazing up at the night sky, he didn't notice the weight on his chest leave, he didn't notice fighting wolves five feet away, he only noticed how bright the stars looked tonight. They looked like the stars in Lily's eyes, James thought, would his baby have those eyes?

He was leaving his wife, his pregnant wife, and he'd never get to meet his son. But he was tired... so tired... so he let the darkness overwhelm him.

Sirius watched in the form of Padfoot when James took his final breath, whimpering and whining, his best friend couldn't be gone. It was... it was a joke. Sirius, completely leaving Lily vulnerable, dragged James inside the building by his shirt, leaving him near the door before going back outside to see what was happening. Sirius bit the sleeve of Lily's sweater and dragged her towards the van. trying to keep her safe.  _It's what James would have wanted_.

He turned around to see Moony hunched over the now unmoving body of Marlene, teeth still bared, as if daring her to move again. Padfoot slowly walked over to him and looked down at the bloody fur of the wolf that was Marlene. Padfoot nudged Moony towards the building with his nose, urging him to go inside. Moony obeyed, going into the building with Padfoot close behind and Lily safely tucked in the van.

Padfoot shut the door and didn't bother doing anything else. He walked over to James body and rested his head on his chest, the sour smell of death was already filling his sensitive dog nose, and he whined. How could he just be... dead? He couldn't be, surely? He wasn't going to move, but when he saw an all too familiar rat in the corner of the room, Padfoot leapt up and grabbed the rat in his jaws, tearing into his flesh. Before he was completely dead, Peter transformed, looking up at Padfoot with a sick smirk.

Padfoot bit again.


	21. Take care (surprise)

They didn't do anything big for James' funeral. They sent an owl home to Minerva McGonagall stating his death along with Peter's and Marlene's without going into much detail. His parents had passed away four months after James had graduated, and the closest thing to another parent was McGonagall. They did hold a small funeral a couple days later, just the three of them. They also buried him there, as they couldn't exactly bring him back to his home.

As for Peter and Marlene, they did the same, except Marlene was only buried and not wished a farewell. Despite Peter being a traitorous asshole, they included him in the small funeral. Remus cried the most, Lily was a close second because she only cried for James. Remus cried for all of them, he was responsible for their deaths. He cried for his best friend and the first person to accept him for who he was. He cried for his friend who respected him and praised him, the one who brought him chocolate after the full moons.

And he cried for the girl he once hated, the girl he'd envied for having Sirius's attraction and attention at a time he didn't. The girl who, once upon a time, was young and full of ideas and dreams, the one who grew up and traveled down the wrong path. He had bitten her and given her a curse to endure every full moon for the rest of her (short) life. No one deserved that, not even someone like Marlene.

He also cried for himself and everyone else these deaths affected because it was his fault, he knew. But he didn't let Sirius and Lily know he thought this, they were so dead set on assuring him it wasn't his fault and it was just a series of coincidences. Despite not wanting to say anything, being married to someone whose new goal was to make sure everything was okay definitely made it hard to keep secrets. No one was handling it well, no one was happy, but Remus knew Sirius suspected something more going on with him.

And of course, Sirius would find out eventually. And, of course, he did. It was after they went home, since there were now only three they kept the small house they had lived in with James and Peter, but it now felt much bigger and melancholy. Lily returned to her room she'd shared with James, and Remus and Sirius went to the room they had shared with Peter. Now the one bathroom felt fine, the small kitchen fitted, and they were all sad.

It was late one night, as all sad things and confessions seemed to be, they were on the floor and Remus was held close to Sirius's chest while the older boy ran his finger's through Remus's hair. They were sharing a room with a sobbing Lily who didn't want to be alone, who was currently sleeping soundly on the bed. Remus felt like he was going to start crying, he didn't deserve Sirius's comfort, he was the reason James was dead in the first place.

Nothing would've been said if Remus hadn't actually started crying.

He always was a silent and discrete crier, so Sirius probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't felt warm tears on his chest as his husband cried. Sirius didn't say anything at first, he only pulled Remus closer and placed a kiss on the top of his head, burying his nose into the mop of brown hair. Remus only pushed away at the gesture. 

"It's my fault," Remus murmured, scooting back from Sirius. "My fucking fault." Sirius didn't let him get far, he stretched out his arms and pulled Remus pack into his arms, Remus wasn't happy about it and continued to fight him through his tears. "Fuck  _off,_  Sirius, I'll just hurt you too!" Remus whimpered, finally managing to get away from Sirius, who looked like a wounded puppy.

"No, you won't!" Sirius insisted, scrambling to his feet after Remus, following him into the kitchen. Remus spun around and glared at Sirius. Both were frightened by the other, both were sad and both needed comfort only the other could give. Remus let out a shaky sigh, and for a moment Sirius thought maybe he had convinced him.

"I'm leaving, Siri," Remus whispered. "You're supposed to hate me now. You're supposed to want me to go. Please don't make this harder than it has to be."

"You're..."

"Leaving, yes. Now  hate me, yell at me, tell me to get the fuck out of your house." Sirius sighed and took a step towards Remus, who took two steps back. "I've been planning this for a while, ever since we got home. I had no intentions to tell you, but I'm not as cruel as you are. I can't leave without telling you goodbye."

"Don't go," Sirius begged. "Say anything you want. Hit me, yell at me, do anything you want to me, just don't leave!" Sirius was crying now, making Remus's heart ache, but he stood his ground. He wouldn't let Sirius influence this decision, it was to keep him safe, to keep him away from harm.

"I don't want to hurt you," Remus told him.

" _This_  is hurting me! I love you!" Sirius fell to the floor, back against the cupboards, cheeks wet with tears. "Don't go."

"Sirius, I-"

"I can't lose you too, Rem. James was my brother, Peter was such a good friend despite being a traitorous piece of shit, and you... Merlin, are you trying to rip me apart? Is that your goal? Love me and make me feel so whole before abandoning me in the time I need you most? That's a sick thing to do, Remus," Sirius whispered, looking up at Remus. He didn't look upset, he didn't look particularly sad, either, just exhausted and tired.

"Sirius..."

"Go, Remus. If that's what you really want I won't stop you, I love you too much to force you to stay here with me when you clearly don't want to be. What's the point, right? After all this time, everything I've done to you, perhaps the last thing I do is to make sure you're happy, right?" Remus stood there and stared down at his husband. He looked properly broken, and it was all Remus's fault. 

"I don't want to leave you," Remus said, kneeling down next to Sirius. 

"Then don't," he begged. Remus sighed and sat down properly, pulling the half-naked Sirius into his lap in an attempt to comfort him.

"I don't want to hurt Lily," Remus admitted finally. "She's the most vulnerable, I can't... and she can't be alone."

"Then-" They were cut off by a loud cry coming from the bedroom. The shared a glance and both stumbled to their feet, rushing into the bedroom where Lily sat up, hand on her swollen stomach. "Fuck," Sirius uttered, eye's wide.

"I'll go call someone," Remus announced, rushing into the living room so he could make a floo call. Sirius made his way over to Lily and sat on the bed next to her, rubbing her back in a way he hoped was soothing and comforting. She was crying, cheeks as red as her hair, whimpering small words.

"Breathe," Sirius told her, inhaling with her, and then exhaling. "It'll all be over before you know it."

"I want James," she choked out. "I want..." Sirius felt another pang of guilt. He should've done something more to save his best friend, he shouldn't have been so distracted if only he'd... "Thank you for being here." Sirius forced a smile and kissed her forehead. 

"It's what James would have wanted". She smiled back and doubled over in pain again. Remus came rushing back in at that point.

"There's a healer on the way, it'll be easier to give a home birth at this point," Remus explained. Lily nodded wordlessly and caught her breath. "Are you okay? It's usually not this bad." Sirius shot Remus a dirty look, but he only shrugged in return. 

"I'm fine!" Lily snapped. "Just... in pain."

When the healer arrived, she shooed Sirius and Remus into the other room, where Remus was shoving some clothes into a bag. "Remus no, not now," Sirius pleaded.

"Sirius I can't hurt the baby!"

"You know what? Fine, if you want to go, fine, just... at least meet him first." Remus stopped shoving clothes into his bag and hesitated, just for a moment. "It's nowhere near the full moon, how much harm can you possibly do to a baby in one meeting?" And so, Remus agreed.

They waited in their bedroom for many hours, tangled with each other on the floor, listening to a record playing softly. Quiet "I love you"s were whispered, along with "I miss you"s, but Sirius had given up trying to convince Remus to stay, he figured his time was much better spent enjoying his last few hours with Remus. 

So they laid on the floor, Remus's head resting on Sirius's chest as they listen to a Beatles album (Remus's idea of course, and Sirius couldn't say no to him now). Sirius kept running his finger's through Remus's hair, enjoying the silence that the cool night air held onto, despite the music. "This is why I fell in love with you," Sirius told him. "You're calm and quiet and so spontaneous, I never know what to expect with you, and I like someone who can keep up with me and keep me in check, those kinds of people are hard to come by."

"You're such an idiot," Remus murmured. "I fell in love with you like this too. Just us on quiet nights, maybe music, maybe silence. The comfort you always brought with you, yet also loud and obnoxious, but not always in a bad way because most of the time you were just being yourself and I couldn't have asked for anything more." Sirius smiled and kissed the top of Remus's head for what felt like the millionth time that night.

"Are you sure you have to go, Rem? That kid will grow up one day and you and I will be able to travel the world, we're not tethered down, we're free and adventurous, especially you. Remember how you told me in our second year that you wanted to go to France? Let's do it, for our honeymoon, just the two of us. Help Lily settle down and start off, then go. Or we can wait until the child is older and he isn't so helpless and little, please, Rem." Sirius sounded so, so excited at the prospect, Remus almost said yes. He always gave in to a happy, excited Sirius, but he couldn't this time.

But before he was able to speak, a medi-witch rushed into the room with a bundle of blankets. Both men instantly sat up to see what was going on, and the witch handed the bundle of blankets to Sirius. "What's going on?" Remus asked. The witch gave him a small, sad smile.

"Apparently she was pregnant with twins," The witch began, but before she could continue she was cut off by Sirius.

"What?" Sirius gasped. "How? We did so many tests, and..." The medi-witch sighed and glanced back at the door.

"The boy was much stronger than the girl, but we're still unsure as to why. We're not sure if she'll make it, but we're certainly going to try." Sirius was looking down at the baby in his arms with awe, as if he couldn't believe it.

"Is she magical?" Remus wondered. "Some of the tests said they wouldn't work if the child wasn't magical." The witch looked slightly surprised. 

"The boy isn't," She told them. "But she is."

"Transferring magic is a thing, right? Some mothers do it unconsciously with their babies if they're going to be squibs, could two babies do it? To save the other?" Remus looked so positively sure of himself, even Sirius was slightly surprised. "I read about it, Merlin, I can't remember where."

"Well, I suppose there have been documented cases, but Mr. Lupin that is incredibly rare," The witch informed him.

"Can you check?" 

"I... I suppose so," The witch stammered, still slightly confused. "But why is this such an important thing to you?"

"I... I'm not sure." Remus, who was so convinced and sure of himself just mere moments before, deflated. "I think I find the idea that magic is more fluid than we all thought fascinating."

"That is quite a subject," The witch agreed. "I must return to the mother..." She gave them both one last smile and rushed away.

"Why'd she give me the baby?" Sirius whispered, mostly to himself. "She doesn't know us."

"The infamous Marauders?" Remus teased, settling back down on the floor next to Sirius. "James Potter, Sirius Black? Sirius Black, the black sheep, or dare I say white sheep, of the family, sorted into Gryffindor, disowned by the age of sixteen, and for what? Everyone knows Sirius Black and James Potter, your name is in place of godmother, I'm his godfather."

"He's so small," Sirius whispered. "So frail, he can barely open his eyes. Remus look, he's so... small. Eyes just like his mothers." Remus peered over Sirius's shoulder and saw the wiggly baby, eyes barely cracked open but clearly green. "Shouldn't he be with his mother?"

"She's still in labor, and there are two witches here. We were the best bet, Siri," Remus murmured in return.

"I love him already." Sirius's eyes were filled with tears, as were Remus's. It was incredible to see such a small human being that looked so much like their friends, their friends  _made this_. Even with growing up in a magic household, Sirius was convinced that the most impressive piece of magic was how people came into this world, it baffled him.

"Harry James Potter," Remus whispered, resting his chin on Sirius's shoulder. 

"Our godson," Sirius continued, letting a couple of those stray tears slip onto his cheek. This heartwarming moment, as all others seemed to be, was interrupted by a rather frantic witch, the same one they had spoken to earlier.

"She's lost to much blood," The witch informed them with watery eyes.

"What?" Remus was the one who gasped this time.

"She'd like to say goodbye to her children." That's when Remus, truly, fully, lost it. All but falling away from Sirius with a loud, harsh sob. Sirius doubled over and held the baby closer to his chest. A moment later he managed to his feet and let the witch lead him into Lily's room, where she lay holding one of the babies in her arms.

"Lily," Sirius croaked. She looked up at him and managed one of her infamous Lily smiles, motioning for him to come over.

"Take care of them, Sirius," Lily whispered. "You and Remus... you'll be wonderful parents." She reached out an planted a kill on top of Harry's head, then the little girl's who had yet to have a name. "Neve," She told Sirius. "Neve Azalea, to carry on our flower tradition." Sirius smiled down at her and planted a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm going to miss you," Sirius murmured.

"You're bound too. I'll be with you and my children all the time, and Remus. So will James. I'll miss you all so much, my children most of all, but I know they're in good hands with you and Remus. Wherever I go, there will be people I love and love me in return. I trust you both, I love you both. Take care," Lily whispered and smiled again, letting her head fall back against the pillow.

One last breath, and then her chest stilled.


	22. You're moon-bound (epilogue)

Sirius walked back into his bedroom he shared with Remus, followed by a witch who was carrying Neve. Remus was sitting in a corner, knees tucked up to his chest, wet cheeks and red eyes that broke Sirius's heart all over again. The witch sighed and held Neve closer to her chest, frowning deeply. "Poor dears," She whispered to no one in particular, and no one knew who she was referring to. 

"Will you two be okay alone here? I can stay for a while," The witch offered. "Janette is cleaning the other room and preparing the mother, Lily, to be taken to be prepared for burial." The witch shuffled over to the crib Sirius and Remus had decided to put in their room and gently set down Neve. 

"Would you stay? Just for a while?" Sirius whispered, holding baby Harry close to his chest as if he feared he was going to lose him. "And bring adoption papers, we... we can't take care of two children, but we might know a family who would adopt the other. I'll floo them." The witch nodded and left the room, leaving Sirius, Remus, and Harry alone with the fireplace. "Rem?"

"Hm?" He whispered mindlessly. 

"Can you hold Harry while I floo them?" Sirius asked him. Remus finally looked up, meeting Sirius's eyes. He opened his mouth to protest, but Sirius beat him to it. "You won't hurt him. You've held babies before." Remus got to his feet and gently took Harry from Sirius's arms, looking down at the baby who looked so blissfully happy. 

"He's got her eyes," Remus murmured. Sirius smiled sadly and grabbed a pinch of floo powder before throwing it into the fire, stating his destination, and disappearing, leaving Remus alone with the baby. The witch returned a few moments later with two full bottles and a bundle of paperwork that she set on the desk, before picking up Neve from her crib. 

"I can't imagine how much of a shock that twins must be," The witch sighed, gently placing the bottle in the baby's mouth. Remus nodded his silent agreement and gladly took the other bottle from the witch, trying to get Harry to take it. "I can't imagine how muggles give birth without all the spells," The witch went on to say, frowning slightly. Remus just nodded some more, only smiling when Harry opened his little mouth and latched onto the bottle.

Sirius arrived a couple moments later, followed by Frank and Alice Longbottom. Remus's eyes widened, but on a second thought, it made a lot of sense. Alice could never have children and Frank would never want to impregnate another woman, no matter how it was to be done. "I'm sorry for your loss," Alice murmured, resting a soothing hand on Remus's shoulder. 

"Thank you," Frank told Sirius. Sirius gave him a small smile and rested his head on Remus's shoulder, so he too could gaze down at baby Harry.

"I can't part with him," Remus murmured, almost unable to take his eyes off the small child that was wrapped up in his arms.

"Are you sure? We can raise a squib," Alice offered almost instantly.

"So can we," Remus said, glancing over at Sirius who was nodding.

"Does that mean you're not going to leave?" He asked hopefully, to which Remus only nodded. 

"The ministry is running a background check on Mr. Lupin and Mr. Black as we speak, making sure they're both suitable guardians for Harry Potter," The witch said. "And because they're the godparents, their process will be much quicker, as for you two, you'll have to go into the ministry." 

"When can we do so?" Alice asked, eyes bright and filled with happiness. Remus felt a pang of envy, but then he shoved it away. At least she was happy, she was finally getting the child she'd wanted since her third year at Hogwarts.

"Now, if you'd like. I can take you there." They Longbottoms shared a brief glance and a nod, a silent agreement that now would be the best time. The witch handed Neve to Sirius and hesitated for a moment. "Lily Potter's body should no longer be here, meaning the other medi-witch is no longer here, are you sure you don't need me for any longer?" 

"We're sure, thank you so much. What's your name?" Sirius asked, gently swaying the baby in his arms.

"Janelle Lima," She said, smiling slightly. "I will be back at some point today to let you know how the background check went and to collect those adoption papers. I'd fill them out now if I were you." She thanked both Sirius and Remus again for letting them use their fireplace, and they left to the ministry.

"You don't mind raising a squib, right?" Remus asked Sirius, who was rocking Neve, trying to get the baby to fall asleep. 

"Of course I don't, they don't get treated kindly in wizarding society, and I figure we should at least give baby Harry a fighting chance," Sirius explained. "Unless, of course, you'd rather raise him without the knowledge of magic."

"No, I think we should," Remus said. "It's what Lily and James would've done." 

"Perhaps, but they wouldn't have separated twins," Sirius told him.

"In this situation, they might have. If they were unable to care for two children and they knew a family unable to have children, and they knew that family would give their child a good home, they might have, Pads," Remus explained. Sirius nodded and laid Neve in the crib, smiling slightly.

"We can do this, we can raise a child, right?" Remus laid Harry on a spot on their bed, looking back up at Sirius. Remus cupped his husband's cheek and kissed him softly, briefly.

"We can do it, we have each other, and I could do anything by your side."

"You really are moon-bound, Rem," Sirius breathed, resting his forehead against Remus's. "Bound to the moon by an unbreakable curse, and you know what that means? You're destined for the stars, strung up amongst them by the red string of fate, when you die you'll be scattered throughout the galaxies, no one will forget you. I won't ever forget you, for as long as I live and in my next life, you'll be the only thing I can see."

"Sirius..."

"Because I love you. My name may be taken from the stars, but you... you're made of the universe. So complex, so deep, a million mysteries tucked within your skin, your heart, and your eyes, shining so brightly it blinds me. I truly don't think you understand how strongly I feel towards you," Sirius breathed. "You're everything and nothing all at once, you're autumn days and chilly spring days, the universe and the depths of the sea, and you're mine."

"I love you to the moon and back, my love, my husband, my  _life_."


End file.
